“Oh the peace that comes when I’m broken and undone; By Your unfailing grace I can lift my voice and say, You can have it all, Lord; Every part of my world. Take this life and breathe on this heart that is now Yours.” – “Have It All”, Bethel Worship.

 

Learning the discipline of surrender has been by far one of the most challenging, yet one of the most insightful and growing experiences I’ve ever had to walk through. This past year brought loss, change and challenges that I never thought I would have been prepared to face, and in a lot of ways I wasn’t. Letting go seems like it should be an easy process. When change happens, it’s easy to think we should just be able to move on. Ideally, moving forward should be a natural occurrence; a painless and smooth transition into the next chapter of our lives. Unfortunately, we don’t live in a perfect world, so accepting change and learning to live with that usually comes with some bumps and bruises along the way. As with anything that brings refinement and maturation, growing pains are almost always present. For me, this began with learning to simply be still and listen. This discipline proved to be easier said than done, but in doing that, I learned in order to truly move forward, it takes complete surrender. To live with reckless abandonment has been something I’ve prayed over my life for years, but when it came down to it, it was something I never really knew how to do. My security came from my own control. My peace came from things going as planned and working out the way I had hoped. My worth came from the validation of people, and most times the poor choices I made were a direct reflection of just how unworthy I thought I was. My happiness and my joy came from the future I had planned for myself unfolding before me. I operated so much on fear; whether it was staying when I shouldn’t have, or running away from something God put in front of me, it was all done on the basis of what I wanted to do. I was always a girl of good intention, a girl who wanted to trust God wholeheartedly but never truly did. I was a girl who prayed that God would make my life His, yet still relied on my own efforts to make things happen and feel safe. I desperately wanted to have a relationship with God that was so deep and so dependent on Him that no matter what was going on in my life, I would remain steadfast and faithful. Over the past year, Jesus started to gently speak to me and create stirrings in my heart that I didn’t (and to some degree still don’t) fully understand. I felt his guidance, and as much as I wanted to listen, I was too scared and too stubborn to be obedient. Eventually, and all at once it seemed, Jesus came in and flipped my world upside down. Some of the strongest support systems that I had relied so heavily on, were suddenly gone. He brought me to a place of what seemed like complete isolation. To a place where I was desperate to seek Him and find Him. My heart has never ached so badly so consistently. That was the first time I saw how broken I truly was and how much I put my faith and my comfort in everything and everyone around me. When those things were gone, I felt like my world was falling apart around me and there was nothing I could do to change that. Obedience isn’t always easy and learning to be obedient in the midst of heartache can be even more challenging. It’s easy to just want to give up and run away from everything that is hurting you. There are still days when I wake up feeling that way, but I’m finding the most pure contentment comes in those moments. Those moments when you so badly want to be somewhere else and want things to be different and even then, still manage to praise Jesus right where you’re at. My best friend can attest to the fact that on almost a daily basis, I will say something along the lines of, “I’m just so tired of being sad. My heart just hurts.” The more those words came out of my mouth, the more I realized I was holding onto that hurt. I was dwelling on what could have been, instead of thanking Jesus for what is to come.

To anyone who knows me, you know that I don’t open up easily, if at all. The thought of putting something so personal in such a public forum is enough to make me write this with a bottle of Pepto Bismol sitting next to me. But, with that being said, I am writing this from a place of starting fresh and challenging myself to be completely transparent. I think in order to truly surrender yourself it starts with being open to being honest about where you’re at, and that’s something I’m just starting to learn how to do. I don’t at all write this from a place of having everything figured out because the truth is, I have absolutely nothing figured out. The thought of my entire future being so unknown is honestly still so scary, but I’m learning to find peace in laying that at the foot of the cross every day. Some days are really hard and I fail and stumble all the time, but I’m beginning to see the beauty in that. I am finding that the Lord’s power is made great in my weakness and although I feel so incredibly lost sometimes, I have an overwhelming sense of security that comes from knowing that I don’t have to carry that burden. I can honestly say that I’ve never been more at peace with such uncertainty. That’s not to say that I don’t still wake up feeling heartbroken and angry some days, but I’m learning to find joy and be thankful even in the midst of that. I really don’t have any profound words or thoughts to impart on anyone, but I’m certain that there are other people whose hearts are hurting and in need of some healing. If there’s one thing I hope to accomplish by putting this out there, it’s simply to offer some encouragement to anyone who is walking through a similar season. My heart is that I can serve as a reminder that even when life really sucks and you’re heart feels like it’s breaking every day that there is hope, freedom and healing in surrender. I’m starting on fresh ground and allowing God to build my life back up again, but this time on His foundation and in the way HE desires. I’m starting to leave the girl who ran away from everything and operated on fear and control behind, and allowing God to mature me into a woman of unwavering faith. One of my favorite songs has a lyric that says, “Faith makes a fool of what makes sense,” and I have clung so tightly to those words because they have become something that are so true and so comforting to me. I never thought I’d get to the point where I could say this and mean it, but I am so thankful for this past year. I never knew that the loss and pain I experienced in so many different areas of my life would lead me to where I’m at right now and the path I’m finally starting to walk on. Even if I know absolutely nothing else, there is such a comfort in knowing that my life and my future is in the hands of a truly Sovereign God.

 

So to everyone who has asked how I’ve been doing and genuinely wanted to know, this is where I’m at. It’s messy and it’s hard but I have never been more certain that God is present with me each and every day. Thank you to everyone who has prayed for me through this past year and chosen to walk alongside me. Truly, you have no idea how much I’ve needed the support and how thankful I am for each of you who have stuck beside me.