You don’t have to know me well to know that I am head over heels in love with the outdoors. You can look at almost any picture, talk to me for about 5 seconds, or pretty much assume by how I…

Source: Pluviophile.

You don’t have to know me well to know that I am head over heels in love with the outdoors. You can look at almost any picture, talk to me for about 5 seconds, or pretty much assume by how I’m dressed most times, that I LOVE the outdoors. Nothing brings me greater joy than being outside and being completely consumed by nature and all of its elements. Those of you who know me a little better, probably know that there are two things in nature that just take my breath away. Those two things are the rain and the wind. I love them for many of the same reasons and they never cease to amaze me. Much like the wind, rain has a ferocity all of its own. It can be powerful and almost majestic; it can instill just a little bit of fear into your heart but at the same time, it can also be calm and overwhelmingly peaceful. The balance between the two, and how it can shift, in no time at all, from pouring down and flooding the streets to almost complete silence and stillness, to me, is beautiful. I think it reflects the very nature of God and who He is. HE is powerful. HE is magnificent and HE is beautiful. His love is a fury all of its own and nothing can compare to it. The joy that comes through HIM is breathtaking and mysterious. It’s something that you just can’t get enough of. It can shift from a powerful force to a gentle voice in seconds. It brings new life and it restores. It heals and it takes what was once dead and withering away and makes it stronger than before.

With all of my windows open from the night before, I woke up this morning to the sound of rain falling. It was a heavier rain, but it was peaceful. I laid there as long as I possibly could and just enjoyed the smell of the fresh rain and the sound of it falling outside my window. I enjoyed the stillness of and the simplicity of just taking in one of the first rains of the spring before I had to rush off to class and could no longer just lye there and be still. As I went to leave my apartment, I came across a picture. A picture that would have normally brought me joy and made me think fondly of the memories that it reflected. It was taken on a rainy day in the mountains and it was absolutely gorgeous. But as I looked at this picture today, it brought a rush of sadness and hurt. Looking at this picture, I didn’t see the amazing experience and wonderful memory, but I saw loss. I saw friends that I feel like I hardly know anymore, a love that didn’t work out and ran its course, myself who looked almost euphoric, and an amazing experience that I may never get to share with these people who were once like my family, again. Even as I’m writing, I can feel myself holding back tears and I can feel my heart aching and longing for that again. I finally walked away and as I climbed down three flights of stairs to get down to my car, with every step, sadness was turning into anger. As soon as I got to the bottom, I stood at the door to my apartment building and watched as the rain began to fall harder. Angrily, I zipped up my raincoat and prepared to run out to my car to avoid getting drenched and having to sit through an afternoon of classes sopping wet. As I flung the door open and started quickly jogging to my car, I felt my feet slow down and I came to a complete stop right in the middle of the sidewalk. Before I knew it, I was just standing there, completely soaked and completely okay with it (Thank the Lord for waterproof backpacks.) As I closed my eyes and extended my arms, I felt the water just pouring over me. I can’t explain it, but the joy I felt in that moment, was one I haven’t experienced probably since that picture was taken. In a matter of seconds, I felt all of that pent up anger and frustration; every ounce of bitterness and hurt washing away. I’m sure I looked like an insane person, but as I continued to stand in the pouring rain, I couldn’t help but smile and be filled with joy and thankfulness. In that moment, I experienced both a powerful and gentle God. The powerful God who can bring enough rain to restore every leaf on every tree, and a gentle God who can bring restoration to my heart, which it so desperately needed. This past month or so has been a struggle of anger and bitterness. I have walked through a season of holding on to hurt and still not relenting control. I last talked about letting go, and honestly it’s a day-by-day practice for me. Some days I do really well, but lately it’s been more of a struggle. I allowed the sadness in my heart to become anger. I allowed my heart to become callused and I fell into a pit of selfishness and resentment.

Today was a blessing that I don’t know if I even have the words to describe. I know it sounds so simple and probably a little bit dramatic, but I needed today. I needed to be reminded of who God is and what my purpose is here on this earth. I decided to write about this today because writing so openly has become one of the most beneficial ways for me to reflect and process. There’s a part of me that feels a little bit silly for getting all of this from rain, but I’m not going to question God’s methods of getting my attention; at this point I know better. I can truly say that I write this from a place of a renewed heart and mind. I was reminded of something that unfortunately I forget far too often, “it’s not about me”. I’m not on this earth to seek happiness, I’m here to seek Jesus and I’m here to serve. In all of this, I have neglected be mindful of that lately. I have been more focused on what I’ve “lost” and what is hurting me, than focusing on what is going on around me. I allowed myself to become blind to the fact that there are people around me who are hurting and need kindness. I didn’t take the time to thank God for all the wonderful things and people that I do have in my life. I didn’t acknowledge that His plan is perfect and choose to trust that.

This past year has been a lot of questioning; questioning what my purpose is and questioning who I am. I’ve been trying to figure out what role I’m going to play in this life and questioning will I accept that role He has asked of me, even when it’s not the one I wanted? I’ve said it before and I still stand by the fact that I know next to nothing. I don’t have many answers and I still don’t have anything figured out. But what I do know is I can’t begin to figure that out if my heart isn’t open to it. I know that the anger I was allowing to keep festering inside of me will only hinder me in moving forward. Today I was able to make a step in the direction of grace. I was able to take the hardest step in my opinion, and let down my pride enough to see that I wasn’t the one who was being wronged, I was the one who was in the wrong. I was the one who was being bitter and selfish and I was the one who wasn’t being even a little bit gracious.

There are moments when I am in awe of the love of God and how he works. Today was one of those moments. It shouldn’t considering God knows my needs better than I ever could, but I am always amazed at how he knows exactly what I need, when I need it. So to anyone who is walking through a similar season, there is hope and there is so much to be thankful for! Even if it doesn’t feel like it, which I totally get, God is still there and He will still show you who who He is. It may not come in the form of getting soaked in the pouring rain, but know that God is so good and so gracious even in your worst moments and you are worth so much more than carrying the burden of anger! To those of you who continue to pray for me and listen and encourage me, please know how incredibly grateful I am for you all and thank you for the overwhelming support!

“Rain is grace; rain is the sky descending to the earth; without rain, there would be no life.”- John Updike