“You are going to come across people in your life who will inspire you, love you and change you. And that is a rare thing, but every once in a while you will come across someone who will completely rob you from your sleep and those are the people who are just too beautiful to put into words.”

 

Writing over these past couple months has been so healing for me. It’s allowed me to be open in a way that I’ve never known how to be, and it has grown me in ways that I can’t even explain. Just being open to simply facing everything you feel, both good and bad, has proved to be a much more complicated process than I thought, but as I’ve allowed myself to become more transparent, I’ve been able to work through so much more than I ever imagined. At times it’s been messy and confusing. Other times it’s been dark and discouraging and sometimes, it’s just been unbearably heartbreaking. The past few years have tested and tried me and in so many ways, I felt like I was just falling on my face with every step I took. (My life there for a while, bared a striking resemblance to the opening scene of Bridget Jones’s Diary. I would love to say I’ve never spent a Friday night in, drinking wine and eating Chinese food, binge watching Frasier and belting Celine Dion at the top of my lungs, but my neighbors can attest to the fact that it’s happened on more than one occasion. If I’m being honest, it was a pretty frequent occurrence; but who’s counting?) However, I stand here, however many months later, a stronger woman. Not a perfect woman by any means, but a woman who stopped living in fear and letting my circumstances dictate who I was going to be and what I was going to make of myself. I had the best example of this for 23 years, and that was the example of my Mom.

I can’t believe it’s just a week shy of being a year since she left this earth. I love to write, but more than anything, I love to write about things that inspire me. My mom inspired me more than anything or anyone that I’ve ever come in contact with. I’ve written about my mom through oceans of tears, through anger, through doubt and questioning and it’s almost been like she’s been walking with me through it all. In honor of her true birthday, the day that she went home to be with Jesus, I find myself writing this from a place of pure joy; a place of knowing so assuredly that she is TRULY alive and experiencing the fullness of God’s love and glory. When I really stop and think about that, it gives me chills because I never expected to feel such a joyfulness and gladness when writing about something so hard.  It’s really easy to focus on our selves when something major happens and when our world is rocked, it’s almost natural to focus on what’s lost. Over the past year, I’ve really learned how to change my perspective. I was looking at what I had lost and not seeing what my mom had gained. Although I would selfishly give anything to have just one more day with her, or hear her voice again, I know she is experiencing a life that I can’t even begin to fathom and therein lies my joy. That brings me comfort and it brings me a peace that stills my heart to almost complete abandon. It’s crazy that even though she’s not here with me anymore, I feel like she is still helping me grow in my faith. I think that’s just a testament to the faith she had and the woman she was.

My mom was beautiful. She was kind and she was selfless. She was beautifully flawed. She was truly clothed in grace and dignity. She was a warrior; faithful and courageous. She had a joy that only comes from the love of Jesus and her worth came from who she was in Him. I could not have asked for a better example of beauty. She loved fiercely and she loved deeply. She took the time to actually know people and understand them. She could make anyone feel welcomed and accepted, regardless of who you were or what you were going through.

My mom and I by no means had a perfect relationship. I was (and in a lot of ways still am) a handful but my mom never made me feel unloved. Don’t get me wrong, she wasn’t afraid to put me in my place, which I often needed, but she was patient and she always wanted the best for me and everyone around her. I am so thankful for the woman she was. I learned so much from her over the years. I learned what it means to be truly faithful. She showed me what it means to be strong. I learned strength isn’t looking like you have it all together or not allowing yourself to be affected by things, it’s being honest and vulnerable about how those things affect you. It’s being able to admit your weakness and face that head on. It’s about not letting fear control you. My mom always said she felt like fear stopped her from so many things. But what I saw was so much different. She faced her illness with an unrelenting courage and I am so grateful to have witnessed her walk such a difficult road. She was gracious and not once did I ever hear her complain. She had so much she could have been angry about, and I don’t know what she battled internally, but she was always thankful. She owed everything she had to Jesus and she did so unashamedly.

My sweet Momma, I have struggled through losing you and I know this road isn’t over, but today I am thankful. This week I have been joyful. Thank you for instilling in me a love for the Lord and a desire to lean on Him even when I don’t know how. Thank you for raising 3 amazing people that I can count on and confide in. Thank you for loving Jesus the way you did; so wildly and so freely. Thank you for being the greatest example of how God’s grace can transform and change you. Thank you for teaching me what it means to let go. That’s been a hard thing for me to practice, but I’m still learning and I’m surrendering more and more every day. Thank you for believing in me even when I didn’t believe in myself. You were truly an incredible woman and I owe so much of who I am right now to who you were. Thank you for always feeding my sense of adventure and encouraging my independence. I don’t know what my future holds, but for the first time in a long time, I feel so excited about it. Thank you for showing me what it means to “fight the good fight.”  I could go on for pages and hours about everything I love about you and miss so much, but I am going to leave it at thank you today. Thank you for who you were and although I miss you more than words can express, I am thankful you are where you belong.  Thank you for leaving me a legacy to hold onto on those days that feel hopeless. You were an extraordinary person and I am proud to call myself your daughter. I love you!

“Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything beautiful, for beauty is God’s handwriting.”- Ralph Waldo Emerson

“He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.” Psalm 40:2
Anyone with a Facebook is now well aware that I was just in Idaho, because for the past 4 days, I probably blew up your newsfeed with a slew of pictures…. So sorry! First off, it was one of the most amazing trips I’ve taken yet. I was there to visit my very dear friend Jozi and her husband Kyle. We spent the weekend camping ( in a yurt which was super cool) , hiking multiple trails, visiting hot springs, climbing sand dunes and just enjoying the beautiful Idaho mountains. As most of you know, the mountains are my favorite place in the entire world. They just exude majesty and wonderment in a way that nothing else does (at least in my opinion). I don’t know how someone can spend time surrounded by such beauty and not see Jesus. His spirit and his nature is undeniably present and you can’t help but feel like you’re just that much closer to heaven.

This trip this weekend could not have come at a better time for me. This past year has brought some really challenging circumstances and it’s brought out some of the best and worst characteristics in me. It changes from day to day and month to month, but I think I’ve faced every emotion possible at this point. This past month in particular though has been the darkest one yet. I don’t think my heart has ever been so hardened and I don’t know that I have ever felt so far away from Jesus and from myself. There were 2 really hard truths to face in that. 1. It wasn’t because Jesus abandoned me, it was because I turned my back on Him and walked away to do my own thing. And 2. I was deliberately allowing myself to live in darkness and sin. I felt like I was spiraling downward and I eventually got to the point where I just didn’t care. When it comes to my faith, I found that complacency is one of the scariest places to end up in. When you feel like you have nothing to lose, the people and things you care about and the way you see yourself loses value. That’s a very dangerous place to get to.

Long story short(ish), I fell into a pit that was too dark and too steep for me to get out of myself. I’ve said it before, but I’m not someone who likes to open up and talk about the things I struggle with. I tend to have the toxic combination of pride and shame when it comes to my sin. The two together completely hinder transparency, and transparency and honesty are the only things that lead to freedom and healing. The people that know me really well could see that I was really struggling, but I was too prideful and too ashamed to do anything about it, and in a lot of ways I didn’t even know what to do.

The night before I left for Idaho, I hit a breaking point. My best friend was in from out of town and I just broke down. I was finally able to be honest about what I was struggling with and where I truly was at spiritually; not where I wanted people to think I was. Being able to be completely open with her was so freeing but also incredibly unnerving because I realized just how selfishly I’ve been living. I in no way felt like myself and I once again, felt incredibly lost. (Like I said, it’s been very up and down. I’m finding that just part of life though.)

I got on the plane the next day discouraged and broken. I was ashamed of the person I’ve been lately and I felt like I was beyond the grace of God. For lack of a better phrase, I desperately needed a reason to sing. I finally made it to Boise and the second I saw my friend Jozi I felt encouraged. Side Note: Just a little bit about her… She and I met through a mutual friend and we have only known each other for about a year now. We’ve taken a few trips together and she is just one of those special people that you can talk to for about 5 minutes and feel like you’ve known for 5 years. God has given her such a graciousness and a transparency that I have seen only in maybe a handful of people. She is one of the best examples of a truly and genuinely godly woman and she has a wisdom that I strive to have someday. All that to say, you can spend about 2 seconds with her and your heart just feels encouraged. It was when we finally got up in the mountains to where we were camping that something in me just lifted. There wasn’t this grandiose moment, it was just a moment where I looked around and couldn’t deny God’s sovereignty and all that He is. I remembered, and more importantly, acknowledged who God is and who I am in Him. It was as simple as saying “God I’m so sorry and I am yours.”

I write this because I want to be a reminder that first off, no matter what your circumstances and what you’re walking through, you have a choice in how you respond. Sometimes it hurts and sometimes it’s unbearably hard, but you always have a choice. Unfortunately, it’s in my nature to have to learn the difficult way and more times than not, I choose to chase after what feels good instead of what is good for me. With that being said, there is always grace. Grace that can surpass any sin and any shame. I’m not at all trying to preach at anyone, I am just speaking from my experience and that is, that sin is inevitable but God is SO good. One of my favorite songs is Brokenness Aside by All Sons & Daughters (If you haven’t heard it, check it out. It’s amazing!) The whole song speaks to the fact that we are all sinful by nature. No matter what the sin, we are all a broken people, but God can take even your darkest and deepest sin and make it beautiful. I’m sure that sounds pretty cliché and pretty basic but I can attest to the fact that that is something I never want to take for granted again. It is a powerful truth that I desperately needed to be reminded of and this weekend, God opened my eyes to that again.

As a believer, I’ve had my many moments of wandering and doubting, but this past month it was to a whole new degree. I was so overcome by fear and shame and hated the person I allowed myself to become. I am by no means saying that after this weekend I’m perfect and have it all figured out, cause I still (since post #1) have almost nothing figured out. I’m finding that everything I walk through, good and bad, I’m learning and I’m growing. This one was a hard lesson to learn though. Having to admit my many mistakes and having to shake myself and not use my circumstances/losses  as a justification to do whatever I want was hard, because that put the responsibility of those decisions and my attitude on me and me alone. Laying those at the foot of the cross is not always easy, but when I did, I was reminded of just how merciful God is and I felt His love and His presence in a way that I haven’t in long time.

After a weekend of wonderful fellowship with an amazing friend surrounded by beauty everywhere we looked, I feel like I have a reason to sing again. I feel like I found my worth again and my heart feels restored. To anyone who is in a similar place of feeling unworthy and ashamed, whatever the reason being for that, you are worth so much more. I know it’s so hard and sometimes nearly impossible to see when you’re in such a dark spot, and that’s okay, but God desires so much for you and his Grace is sufficient for you. If nothing else, I want to use this to be as transparent and honest; One, for my own growth and also so that anyone who is in the same boat knows that you’re not alone. There is hope! I am so thankful to serve a God that is gracious enough to rescue me over and over again. It’s not the first time I’ve gotten caught up in my sin and it certainly won’t be the last. My only prayer and hope is that those times are fewer and farther between the more I grow and allow him to lead me.

Again, to everyone who has walked by me and encouraged me though all of this, Thank you! From the bottom of my heart. Thank you for holding me accountable and helping get back on solid ground. To those of you who have prayed and listened, please know that I am so grateful and can’t express how thankful I am for every one of you!