“You are going to come across people in your life who will inspire you, love you and change you. And that is a rare thing, but every once in a while you will come across someone who will completely rob you from your sleep and those are the people who are just too beautiful to put into words.”

 

Writing over these past couple months has been so healing for me. It’s allowed me to be open in a way that I’ve never known how to be, and it has grown me in ways that I can’t even explain. Just being open to simply facing everything you feel, both good and bad, has proved to be a much more complicated process than I thought, but as I’ve allowed myself to become more transparent, I’ve been able to work through so much more than I ever imagined. At times it’s been messy and confusing. Other times it’s been dark and discouraging and sometimes, it’s just been unbearably heartbreaking. The past few years have tested and tried me and in so many ways, I felt like I was just falling on my face with every step I took. (My life there for a while, bared a striking resemblance to the opening scene of Bridget Jones’s Diary. I would love to say I’ve never spent a Friday night in, drinking wine and eating Chinese food, binge watching Frasier and belting Celine Dion at the top of my lungs, but my neighbors can attest to the fact that it’s happened on more than one occasion. If I’m being honest, it was a pretty frequent occurrence; but who’s counting?) However, I stand here, however many months later, a stronger woman. Not a perfect woman by any means, but a woman who stopped living in fear and letting my circumstances dictate who I was going to be and what I was going to make of myself. I had the best example of this for 23 years, and that was the example of my Mom.

I can’t believe it’s just a week shy of being a year since she left this earth. I love to write, but more than anything, I love to write about things that inspire me. My mom inspired me more than anything or anyone that I’ve ever come in contact with. I’ve written about my mom through oceans of tears, through anger, through doubt and questioning and it’s almost been like she’s been walking with me through it all. In honor of her true birthday, the day that she went home to be with Jesus, I find myself writing this from a place of pure joy; a place of knowing so assuredly that she is TRULY alive and experiencing the fullness of God’s love and glory. When I really stop and think about that, it gives me chills because I never expected to feel such a joyfulness and gladness when writing about something so hard.  It’s really easy to focus on our selves when something major happens and when our world is rocked, it’s almost natural to focus on what’s lost. Over the past year, I’ve really learned how to change my perspective. I was looking at what I had lost and not seeing what my mom had gained. Although I would selfishly give anything to have just one more day with her, or hear her voice again, I know she is experiencing a life that I can’t even begin to fathom and therein lies my joy. That brings me comfort and it brings me a peace that stills my heart to almost complete abandon. It’s crazy that even though she’s not here with me anymore, I feel like she is still helping me grow in my faith. I think that’s just a testament to the faith she had and the woman she was.

My mom was beautiful. She was kind and she was selfless. She was beautifully flawed. She was truly clothed in grace and dignity. She was a warrior; faithful and courageous. She had a joy that only comes from the love of Jesus and her worth came from who she was in Him. I could not have asked for a better example of beauty. She loved fiercely and she loved deeply. She took the time to actually know people and understand them. She could make anyone feel welcomed and accepted, regardless of who you were or what you were going through.

My mom and I by no means had a perfect relationship. I was (and in a lot of ways still am) a handful but my mom never made me feel unloved. Don’t get me wrong, she wasn’t afraid to put me in my place, which I often needed, but she was patient and she always wanted the best for me and everyone around her. I am so thankful for the woman she was. I learned so much from her over the years. I learned what it means to be truly faithful. She showed me what it means to be strong. I learned strength isn’t looking like you have it all together or not allowing yourself to be affected by things, it’s being honest and vulnerable about how those things affect you. It’s being able to admit your weakness and face that head on. It’s about not letting fear control you. My mom always said she felt like fear stopped her from so many things. But what I saw was so much different. She faced her illness with an unrelenting courage and I am so grateful to have witnessed her walk such a difficult road. She was gracious and not once did I ever hear her complain. She had so much she could have been angry about, and I don’t know what she battled internally, but she was always thankful. She owed everything she had to Jesus and she did so unashamedly.

My sweet Momma, I have struggled through losing you and I know this road isn’t over, but today I am thankful. This week I have been joyful. Thank you for instilling in me a love for the Lord and a desire to lean on Him even when I don’t know how. Thank you for raising 3 amazing people that I can count on and confide in. Thank you for loving Jesus the way you did; so wildly and so freely. Thank you for being the greatest example of how God’s grace can transform and change you. Thank you for teaching me what it means to let go. That’s been a hard thing for me to practice, but I’m still learning and I’m surrendering more and more every day. Thank you for believing in me even when I didn’t believe in myself. You were truly an incredible woman and I owe so much of who I am right now to who you were. Thank you for always feeding my sense of adventure and encouraging my independence. I don’t know what my future holds, but for the first time in a long time, I feel so excited about it. Thank you for showing me what it means to “fight the good fight.”  I could go on for pages and hours about everything I love about you and miss so much, but I am going to leave it at thank you today. Thank you for who you were and although I miss you more than words can express, I am thankful you are where you belong.  Thank you for leaving me a legacy to hold onto on those days that feel hopeless. You were an extraordinary person and I am proud to call myself your daughter. I love you!

“Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything beautiful, for beauty is God’s handwriting.”- Ralph Waldo Emerson