“I am going to beat this thing. My recovery will be slow and with new things to learn. I will take things one day at a time. And even one hour at a time sometimes. That is my today so far. It’s a good day. :)” – Maureen Helling (4/27/13)

Warning: WORD VOMIT AHEAD 

It’s a beautiful fall afternoon. I’m sitting on my balcony just taking it all in. The smell of Autumn in the air and Amos Lee in my ear. The sun is shining with the perfect chill in the air. This afternoon seemed perfect… blissful even. I’ve needed that. 

The honest truth? Life has been pretty tough lately. Between my own personal struggles and just the normal struggle of navigating your 20’s, life has kind of knocked me down lately. The past few years have held some pretty significant ups and downs. It seemed like I was either in the eerie calm before or in the raging waves, but either way, I was in the storm. 

Things hurt you. People hurt you. LIFE hurts you. In the moment, it’s hard to process. Shortly after, it’s still hard to process but you start to gain some sort of understanding and life goes on. From what I’ve found, there’s sort of an expectation that after hurt, there’s a time limit. (And I mean hurts or lows of any kind.) There’s a point where you’re supposed to just “be okay”; When the storm settles and life moves on. But where does that leave the people affected in its wake? 

I guess now I’m trying to navigate the aftermath. The everyday. Everything has settled down, at least in the eyes of time, yet my life still seems chaotic and unsettled to me. I’ve struggled through and cried over this for awhile now. People hurt you. Things hurt you. LIFE hurts you. No matter how many times you say it or come to terms with it, it doesn’t change the circumstances that hurt you. They are still there. 

One of the biggest losses for me, was my mom. She was my person. Our relationship was far from perfect, but she was my mom, my friend, my gladiator. I knew when life was crumbling, I could run to her and no matter what, she’d be there. Whether it was actually running to me, fighting for me, listening to me or simply praying for me, I knew she was there. Sometimes you just need your mom. 

In this whole season of life, the ups and downs, my greatest loss is also the person I need the most. So today, despite having the perfect afternoon I was far from being in a perfect place. I just really needed my mom. I have no voicemails and obviously I can’t talk to her, but I remembered that I could look up a blog site for people going through cancer treatments. To be honest, I had never looked at her page until now. But I started reading…. 

There are only a few, but nevertheless, very real times I’ve doubted God. Lately… It’s been one of those times. Not doubting His existence, but just that He’s there for me. I started reading my mom’s words in this blog, and weirdly, in one of the lowest moments of my life where I really needed her, I finally got some clarity.

I haven’t written in a while… I haven’t felt inspired. I haven’t felt great about myself. I haven’t felt God. I haven’t felt anything, really. Once life calmed down, I was able to actually see the damage. My world started to seem very small. Broken. Deteriorated. Like the wreckage after a storm. 

I started typing today because I have always felt like I can express myself better “writing through it” than “talking through it”. (Emotional limitations)  I kept writing and erasing and finally I just hit the back button to erase it all, only I ended up on my very first blog page ever. 

I named my blog “The Fragrance of my Mother” because I started this shortly after she died. She had always wanted to start a blog. In a way, I thought I could carry on her legacy. I thought I could finish what she started. But 4 ½ years later, in the wake of a few different storms, I realized that even in my doubts, even long after she’s gone, God spoke through her… 

The quote at the beginning of all of this was from my mom herself (in her blog) in the scariest moment of her battle with cancer. It was the moment of complete uncertainty, pain, doubt and loss. My keyboard is drenched in tears as I type this because I realized in reading her entries, just how strong she was….

My mom couldn’t control her circumstances, but she could control her reaction to those circumstances. She chose to believe that she was stronger than any disease. She chose to believe that no matter what, she would keep fighting. She chose to believe that GOD HAD HER, even if it was on an hour by hour basis. She lived in awareness of her greatest fears, yet faced them with grace, humility and courage. 

I sit here today, realizing that I started this blog in wanting to finish a legacy, but in turn, caused me to truly start my own. Even though she’s not here, her words live on. I know this has been a lengthy post, but I feel like this is her way of reminding me that God is very much real. Although entirely different, my struggles bear the same burdens of hers… Complete uncertainty, pain, doubt and loss. My future has been completely uncertain. My heart has been in so much pain. I have doubted God. I have lost. 

But in all of this, my mom never complained. She never lost hope. And what took her maybe moments to realize, it took me 4 ½ years through a blog, but even still…. Today I woke up feeling more sad than you can imagine and I sit here, for the first time in a long time, feeling like “life is good”. In reading her words, I remembered that even in the worst of circumstances, you can choose your reaction . How you respond. No matter what you’re going through, sometimes, it’s a day a time. Sometimes even hour by hour. 

God may get lost in the presence of loss and chaos, but He always presents Himself. For those of you feeling like you’re unseen or forgotten or like life is hopeless, just believe that life gets better, even if it gets worse first. I’ve been up and down and in and out with Him, but He has showed up EVERY TIME. Even still, grief doesn’t just go away and there’s no timeline. 

Hard is hard and I don’t believe one answer is the same for everyone, but at least I can put my story out there and maybe, in a weird roundabout way, let someone know that alone is not actually alone. NO matter what you’re facing. No matter what hurts your working through. I may not know how to get through things sometimes, but today I was reminded that I can.  So that is my today. It’s a good day. 

“Highs and lows. Lord, You’re with me either way it goes. Should I rise or should I fall? Even so, Lord, You’re with me through it all.”