It’s been 2 years since I began my path of recovery. Incredibly difficult. Immensely rewarding. Mistakes have been made… Many mistakes. Questions have been asked. Words have been said… and unfortunately at times, screamed.  Flaws have been seen. Tears have been shed. Anger surfaced. Doubts, insecurities and lies exposed. But in all of the mess and ugliness of countless meltdowns, temper tantrums and a significant crisis of my faith and identity, there has been far more beauty than ashes. 

Laughs have been shared… Many laughs. Passions have been discovered. Lessons have been learned. Friendships have been formed. Changes have been made. Healing has begun. Fears have been conquered. Confidence has been built. Joy has been found. What would have been a tragic story of addiction, loneliness and depression ending in suicide was rewritten to one of hope, restoration and abundant life.

A life saved and forever changed. My life. 

In honor of these 2 years, I wanted to share the moment that changed everything for me.

I was reading through the tear soaked, barely legible pages of an old journal when I found it. The letter. I remember the moment vividly. My 29 year old self, sitting in a bunk bed in the tiny room I shared with 4 other grown women trying to piece their lives together just like I was. Earplugs in (because the aforementioned roommates were theorizing about who was stealing everyone’s coffee creamer and arguing about “how early is too early to set an alarm in the morning?”… Community living.) 

I cracked open my journal, as I did most nights, and I began to write a semi-satirical letter to “all the drinks that did me wrong” hoping that there would be some sort of cathartic release or at the very least, maybe a laugh. As I began to write,  a bible verse from Isaiah 44 came to mind that had been given to me months prior. The verse didn’t make much sense to me at the time I received it, so I didn’t really think about it again until that night when it crossed my mind.

 As I started that ridiculous letter, I couldn’t get that verse off of my mind. I stopped writing and was just still for quite some time. Thinking. As I did, I began to realize it wasn’t just the alcohol that I was addicted to. It was so much more than that. It was approval. Validation. Acceptance. Vanity. Money. Sex. Men. Women. The idea of success. And so much more. I lived for myself and no one else. I constantly and compulsively lied and manipulated to get what I wanted and I didn’t care who it hurt or affected. I was a borderline narcissist who was incapable of seeing outside of herself or taking ownership for any of her actions. 

I began writing again, but this time it was an entirely different letter. My hand was cramping from trying to keep up with how fast my thoughts were firing and tears were running down my face and soaking the pages of my journal from the overwhelming emotion of it all.  Finally I had come to terms with everything that had happened over the past 10 years. The person I had become. All of the trauma, grief, disappointment, failures, mistakes, doubts and horrible decisions that I had made and as a result, the consequences that I faced because of them.

I was 20 months into a 12 month treatment program (yes, you did read that correctly…) and I had had enough. Enough of myself. Enough of the constant voices that told me I wasn’t good enough. That I was never going to be able to change. Enough of the alcohol. Enough of the relapses. Enough of the shallow and sinful relationships. Enough of the lying. Enough of the selfishness. Enough of making stupid decisions. Enough of feeling like a failure. Enough of fighting and rebelling against the One who saved my life. Enough of all of the BS I had put up with and put myself through for my entire adult life.

What started off as a humorous coping mechanism quickly turned into the most important decision I’ve ever made, and it was anything but funny. Since that night, I’ve never looked back. Recovery is so much more than sobriety. It’s finding the courage and humility every single day to say yes to God and no to myself, no matter what the cost. (Which is so much easier said than done.)  

Today, I’m sober, healthy (mentally, spiritually and physically), full time interning in ministry, living in a city I love surrounded by people I love. My life is incredibly imperfect yet I am incredibly happy. I never could have imagined that my life would look the way it does now and I couldn’t be more grateful for that because I honestly don’t think I would have done it had I known what all this was going to entail. 

This letter was not just about alcohol and addiction but to everything that I put before God in my life and it is a declaration of who I am now and more importantly, who I belong to. This is where it all changed for me…. 

“The poor, deluded fool feeds on ashes. He trusts something that can’t help him at all. Yet he cannot bring himself to ask, ‘Is this idol I hold in my hand a lie?’”  Isaiah 44:20 

Dear Idols, 

I don’t know how to say goodbye to you. Most of you have walked alongside me for years now. My most consistent companions. I’ve cherished you, served you, listened to you and indulged you in every fantasy. I’ve played your games and worshiped you. I gave you a sacred place in my heart that truthfully, you neither earned nor deserved. I allowed you for far too long to lie to me and make promises to my heart that you could never fulfill. You promised comfort and gave me chaos. You promised love and broke my heart. You promised confidence and you made a fool of me. You promised satisfaction and I was always left empty. I want you to know that I see you now for what you are. A lie. A fantasy. A romanticized illusion of fulfillment – overpromising and under delivering every time. I exalted you to a position in my life that you were never worthy of holding. I thought that you were good, but I know now that you were nothing more than comfort. I thought what we had was intimacy, but I now know that it was just familiar. You were convenient. Easy. Shallow. I want you to know that you can no longer have this place or any place in my heart again. That place is meant for the only one who can rightfully rule my life. He doesn’t bring chaos or confusion. He doesn’t put me down or tell me lies. He doesn’t deceive, manipulate or control me. I’m not a slave to Him, but his lover and his friend. Although I believed that there was room in my life for Him and all of you, I was gravely mistaken.  So as of this moment, our relationship is over. The longing for you and the idealized perspective and rose colored lenses are shattered. I see you for exactly what you really are. And now, I see Him for exactly who He really is. The position of Lord belongs to Him and I am going to let him do the honors of dethroning each and every one of you Himself. So this is in no way an amicable and mutually respectful parting or goodbye. This is me declaring war back on you for all of the hell, confusion and destruction you’ve caused me. I want you to know that I DO NOT AND WILL NOT choose you. Your reign of death and terror in my life is over and you now are subject to the anger and vengeance of the One who conquered you once and for all, long ago on that third day; when he rose up and walked out of the grave he left and buried you in. I am done with you, in every way and you CANNOT have my attention, my affection or my imagination any more. We are done. For good. I am choosing life. I am choosing to walk on the side of truth and fight for all of those who are deceived and broken just like I was. I will not aid you in fanning the flames of lust, addiction, greed and impurity, but I will snatch those deceived and broken ones from the flames and show them The Way to life. I want to make myself explicitly clear. I no longer answer to my flesh. I only answer to the spirit of the living God and I will no longer be engaging your advances in any way. This is the end for us and I am never looking back. This abusive relationship is now over. I will no longer be answering when you call, responding to your invitations or entertaining any sort of engagement with you any longer. You no longer have a place in my life – you’ve taken far too much for far too long and honestly, you can keep it all because The One I belong to now is a giver of life and all things new. You will never be anything more than a cheap knock-off, fraudulently parading around as freedom and love, and you can no longer have any part of me or my life. This is it for us. Just know that from now on, if you try to reach me, you’ll have to go through my Father, my Husband and the Spirit of the Living God Himself. 

-E