By definition, potential means existing in possibility; capable of development into actuality. 

I’ve really grown to hate that word. I’ve lived my life under the weight of my potential. It seems to me like it’s been a lifelong competition between what I am and what I could. As much as I can appreciate every time someone would say that I “have so much potential”, or if I could “just see my potential” all I could hear was, “you’re not enough as you are right now and you could be better.” And to be honest, to this day, that’s still what I hear. 

The concept of someone’s potential is such an interesting thing to me. I know we’re all striving to be better… to grow, to learn and to change. However, I feel like sometimes I lose myself in the potential of who I could be. It’s hard to find your identity when everyone keeps reminding you that you could be so much more… 

The idea of potential can be particularly difficult for someone trying to navigate life in recovery. In one sense, you have to know that there is so much more to who you are and so much more to life than just your addiction, otherwise, why even bother spending the energy trying to better yourself? On the flipside, it’s easy to get crushed underneath the idea of who you could be, and in turn, you’re left feeling like the person you are today, falls short of that idea of who you could potentially be in the future. 

Potential is tricky. I find myself dwelling on this today. Over the last few years of recovery, I’ve heard mentions of my potential over and over and OVER again. Who I am and who I could be are two very different ideas in my mind. As someone who lives with a chronic fear of inadequacy, nothing is scarier than the idea of my own potential. 

It was said once… 

“The graveyard is the richest place on earth, because it is here that you will find all the hopes and dreams that were never fulfilled, the books that were never written, the songs that were never sung, the inventions that were never shared, the cures that were never discovered, all because someone was too afraid to take that first step, keep with the problem, or determined to carry out their dream.”

I think this scares me more than almost anything else. I don’t know that it’s that I truly believe I’m inadequate or that I’m not enough, I think it’s that I know that I am, in some way, however I constantly feel like I’m falling short of everything I could be. That I will never live up to the person that I’m capable of developing into or possibly becoming. 

Keyword… Possibly. 

I’ve had so many questions that were tied directly to my identity. Who am I and who am I becoming? What do I believe about myself and what others have said to and about me? What hopes and dreams do I have? What are my books that need to be written and my songs that need to be sung? (I’m going to leave the cures to be discovered to those brilliant, researcher types…) And what are my fears that get in the way of that first step of actually carrying out those dreams? 

I sit here writing this in the place I grew up. Although it’s familiar, it’s no longer home. It’s the strangest feeling being back here. The person I was when I left is in so many ways, is not the person who sits here writing today. When I left, I was so broken that life didn’t matter anymore. I had let go of the hopes and dreams of my life years before I left here and I was simply existing rather than living. That girl was so terrified of any sort of potential that she rejected it all together and chose the path of destruction because it was so much easier that way. 

After a few years of some serious healing and searching, I’ve found that I care far less about my potential and far more about my purpose. I’ve heard it said that “your potential is everything you could be and your purpose is everything you’re called to be.”

I like that. 

So I guess my question now is what is my purpose in this life? What is my purpose even just today? I blame it on being a HARD enneagram # 4, but this question alone motivates so much of what I do and don’t do in my life. 

I’ve lived my ENTIRE life feeling like a failure because I felt like I wasn’t living up to my potential. The potential of who I wanted to be and who everyone said I could be. And I fell short every single time. 

What I’ve learned in all of this… 

God calls us according to HIS purpose, not OUR potential.

He doesn’t call us to our purpose. He doesn’t call us to anyone else’s idea of our potential. He calls us unto himself, for himself. I’ve learned you can’t run from that. As much as you try. He always runs faster. His purposes ALWAYS prevail. His words never return void. His word is ALWAYS final. In a lot of ways, I used to see this as control and I didn’t understand it. However, over the years, I’ve started to see that his purposes are for his glory and our good. And he is ALWAYS good.

I’ve recently started to understand this more, and I’ve realized that in the searching, that there really is nothing that can separate us from his love. His promises are true… ALWAYS. Under the authority of his purpose, my potential crumbles. And I’m grateful for that. And the more I understand that it’s his purpose and not mine, the more I realize that  I don’t really have to worry about trying to figure it all out anyway. That’s HIS business, not mine. It’s only for me to trust him in this very imperfect process. 

Those dreams I have? He placed in me. Those books I want to write? Those are his words. Those songs still to be sung? Those melodies belong to him. Without him, I would have NOTHING.

What I know is this. No matter where you live, what you do, what you’re struggles are, how you feel or think or where you try to run to, he never changes. He is always the same. Clinging to Him has been the saving grace of my life and I wouldn’t be here to even write this if it weren’t for him and I never want to lose sight of that. I didn’t save myself, he saved me, despite the fact that I was hellbent on destroying my life… because his purposes always prevail. His ways are always higher. 

And for today, I’m grateful.