Author: The Fragrance of my Mother

Dancing Upon Disappointment

~ The Fragrance of my Mother ~ Leave a comment

Dancing

I’ve sat in the silence of my own home many times in the past 3 years of living in my little apartment. There have been silent moments of peace, silent moments of gratitude, silent moments of fear, silent moments of uncertainty and silent moments of doubt. Tonight I sat in the silence of sadness. The silence of disappointment. The silence of looking at a life I had wanted so badly and finally had to let go of.

I sat and I cried. I cried and I cried and I CRIED. As I gasped to regain my breath, amidst all the tears and the overwhelming pain swelling in my heart, I turned my eyes up. Tonight I came to the realization that just because you can’t always lift you heart, you can always lift your eyes. Life isn’t always “fair” and it certainly doesn’t always feel good. Sometimes it hits you so hard you feel like you can’t breathe.

In the midst of truly breaking down, I felt a sense of sincere hope. A hope that I haven’t felt in a long time.  A sense that even in the midst of my most genuine uncertainty, there was still a reason to sing. Even though it doesn’t always make sense in the present, the past has taught me that all things are made infinitely more clear in time. Although sometimes “hallelujah” is really hard in the moment, it’s still so necessary to worship, to be thankful.  

Heartache rarely comes with reason. It causes question. It causes a feeling of constantly walking on unstable ground. To me, that’s the beauty of real faith. The ability to walk blindly into the darkest of situations, and despite the anger and emotion of it all, trust that God is still God.

As I sat on my kitchen floor, tears streaming down my face and my heart feeling like it was shattering into pieces, the only words I could get out were, “You are still good. You are still sovereign. I choose you.” Although they were words filled with heartbreak, they were without anger. For me, that’s a step forward. It’s easy to blame God for things not going the way you had planned and for things looking undeniably different than you’d imagined.

When dreams seem to die and plans change, it’s so easy to become callused and closed off to the idea of an invisible God. Falling in love with a God that’s neither tangible nor visible is really hard. Tonight was the first night that I can honestly say, I leaned into the presence of an invisible God. I pulled on the strength of something I couldn’t see, but something I couldn’t deny.

Disappointment and pain are inevitable. Hurt certainly doesn’t discriminate and we all experience it in one way or another, at some point. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that God is never negligent. He may be out of sight, but He is never missing. We may distance ourselves in the face of human emotion, intention and discomfort, but He is never absent.

To me, the beauty of Jesus is truly reflected in the broken moments. It’s in the pain and the moments of truly surrendering our will, that our need for Him is magnified. Choosing Jesus doesn’t always feel good. It doesn’t always feel comfortable. Sometimes when the breath to praise is lost, the simple act of putting our arms out in surrender and choosing joy is enough. It’s all He’s asking for.

The beauty in believing blindly is knowing that the striving can finally cease. The worry and the uncertainty completely lose their power. I’ve learned that sometimes when we’re called to rejoice in sadness, we don’t always have the song, but He can still teach our feet to dance upon disappointment.

Slow Down, Little Girl.

~ The Fragrance of my Mother ~ 1 Comment

“Little girl, little girl, don’t grow up too fast. Before you know it, you’ll be wishing you could just go back. Don’t you know there’ll be plenty of time for that somewhere down the road? Yeah, it’s all gonna fly in the blink of an eye. You can’t slow down this thing called life. So take your time and let it last, Little girl don’t grow up too fast.”

Blog 3.1.18

I feel like everyone has, at one point or another, had that one teacher in school that just wanted to make it a point to really hammer home the lesson of “taking your time and following the directions.” I mean, I know that’s a pretty basic discipline that I’m sure most teachers try their best to convey to their students, but I feel like there’s always that one, that takes it a step further to really make a point.

It was just a normal day in the seventh grade. I went to my history class like I did every day; completely unprepared and hoping that I could just skim the chapter that I was supposed to read the night before and bull***t my way through the rest class on the general gist of whatever I had read in the 10 minutes previous to when my class actually started. Not really a recipe for success, but my Jr. High self seemed to think it was a good idea at the time.

Suffice it to say that no one ever accused me of taking school too seriously. I got to my class, chatted with my friends before the bell rang and proceeded to take my assigned seat in the very front and center of the classroom, which I can only assume was a pretty intentional move on my teachers part. I was never a huge fan of history at the time, so this class didn’t really appeal to me in anyway.

Class started, I opened my book and almost immediately was off in my own head, failing to listen to anything my teacher was talking about. He wasn’t one to ever give a quiz or a test without warning, so when I when I saw him set a stapled packet of paper face down in front on me, I immediately panicked. To be honest, it wasn’t unusual for me to be unprepared for a test that I knew full well was happening. You’d think that panicked feeling that I got, (without fail, every single time) would have taught me to maybe just take the time to study the night before, but it never did.

As he continued to pass the tests out to the rest my class, STILL, instead of listening, I went straight from thinking about what I can only imagine was something to do with the particularly cute boy that sat directly behind me, to focusing on the fear of having to answer questions that I was certain I didn’t have any of the answers too. I finally tuned in just in time to hear my teacher emphasizing to “read the directions carefully.”

In true Emilee fashion, I did…not. I quickly flipped over my test, and proceeded to skip directly over the instructions and started in. The deeper I got into this test, I realized that something wasn’t adding up. Some of the questions were worded in a way that was far beyond the comprehension of a seventh grader, and some of them had nothing to do with history at all, and still, I was so focused on how to just get by, that I didn’t take a second to just stop and look up.

I kept my head down to at least appear like I knew what I was doing, even though that couldn’t have been further from the truth. I got more and more anxious thinking about having to have yet another, “So what happened?” conversion with my parents after receiving back what I could almost guarantee would be a failing grade based on the fact that I had only legitimately answered one question. TOTAL.

After a while, I started to hear a collective group of snickers coming from different parts of the classroom, and when I finally looked up to see what was going on, everyone except for me and a handful of people, were just sitting with their arms crossed.

Long story longer, unbeknownst to me (and also the particularly cute boy sitting directly behind me), the directions clearly stated that the test was just a joke and to simply put your pencil down and wait quietly. Seventh graders can only sit quietly for a short period of time, hence the snickering taking place around the room. Although it was a humorous (and slightly embarrassing) lesson, it was something that I never forgot. Little did I know how applicable it would still be almost 15 years later.

I’m not, and have never been someone who likes to live my day to day life at a rushed pace. I like to take my time, savor and enjoy moments and kind of just float from place to place. I am this way in almost every area of my life except in the area where I probably should be most. Whether it was wanting to be older than I was, taller than I was,  impulsively taking on things way before I was ready, I was always looking 10 steps ahead of where I actually was, because I had this notion that everything was better down the road.

As a little girl, I was always playing dress up with my moms clothes because I wanted to be just like her. I used to fight her constantly on wearing the clothes she would pick out for me. The practical, comfortable clothes that allowed me to run and play. I wanted to pick out my own clothes. I wanted to decide for myself what I was going to wear, and if I had it my way, it would have been a princess dress, high heels and my pink lipstick from my favorite starter makeup kit that my grandpa got me, every day.

Don’t get me wrong, she let me do it sometimes, but only when it was it was the right time for it. Playing at home or going to a tea party at a friends house, sure, but going to the grocery store, probably not. She knew that about 5 minutes in, I would be complaining that my dress was too itchy, that my crown wouldn’t stay on my head and my little plastic dress up heels would be too hard to walk in.

She knew that ahead of me, lied years of enduring pain due to walking around in heels all day. She knew that there would be plenty of hours way down the road, of complaining about dresses that are too uncomfortable. (5 year old me thought the biggest problem a girl could face with a dress was that it was too itchy or that it wasn’t sparkly enough. It would be years before I would come to understand the struggle of trying to breathe in a dress.)

I would get so angry with my mom when she would tell me no. I was too young and didn’t have the perspective to even remotely understand that she was right. This carried on through every stage of growing up. Whether it was wanting to wear makeup way before I was old enough, go on a roller coaster before I was tall enough, stay at home by myself before I was responsible enough, I was always in such a hurry to be anywhere other than I was. I wanted to rush through everything just so I could get back to doing whatever it was that I wanted to be doing.

Instead of studying, I would rush through my homework. Because I wasn’t putting in the work in the first place, I wasn’t actually retaining anything, so I would fail tests and I would end up having to work with my teachers over recess instead of being able to play with my friends. It took me a long time to realize I was making things so much harder on myself by not just slowing down, listening to direction and taking the time to do it the right way in the first place.  

Today, those are just distant memories. It seems like such a long time ago. What’s funny is that now, at 25, I may be older, but I still look in the mirror and see glimpses of that little girl in the princess dress. I see her in decisions I make now. Decisions that have led me to the very moment of writing this. This has been one of the more interesting phases of my life. I have friends that are the exact same age as me, that are married and starting families. I also have friends that are the exact same age as me, that are still struggling to figure it out. I find myself somewhere in the middle.

I wanted to grow up so quickly, so badly, that I rushed the process. I thought I cheated the system. I thought that I could sidestep some of the incredibly essential life lessons and I am finding more and more just how wrong I was. Just as much as that 5 year old who wanted to live in a princess dress was no match for my mom, this 25 year old who wants to live her own life is certainly no match for my God.

The thing about serving a God that is so wildly boundless, is that we have to acknowledge that without Him, we can’t be. There is truly no freedom in living life with no direction(s). We will never be anything even remotely close to what we can be, when we summit to the will of God.

Although I understand this and truly believe this with all of my heart, adhering to this is something I really struggle with. Waiting on God and trusting His timing is incredibly difficult for me, especially when I’m surrounded by people who have so many of the things that I want for myself. It’s easy to think that we can just go out and get whatever sounds good in that moment, and in a lot of ways, in our day in age, that’s true.

However what happens when what we’re seeking isn’t necessarily what’s good for us? When we take something that maybe wasn’t ours to have in the first place? When we think we’ve found the things that will finally bring satisfaction to the missing pieces of our hearts but really we’ve just created a life filled with things and people, and it’s still not enough. I use this example because as I was dealing with hurt and grief, I literally did this.

My heart was breaking and I began to fill my heart and my home with everything I could find. Before I knew it, I was surrounded with a life that had everything I could have ever wanted or needed and I still felt like something was missing. I started to feel like I was living an unfamiliar home; I knew it was mine but I didn’t recognize anything in it.

God never fails to get my attention. Lately, it’s been reminding me that that little girl is still in my heart. The difference between her and the girl standing here 20 years later, is that even though that little girl didn’t like being told no, she obeyed. She obeyed for no other reason than she didn’t know not being obedient was even an option. She trusted her mom because even though she made her mad, she couldn’t help but feel the undeniable love she had for her. She didn’t know how to hold onto anger so she was able to listen to what she was being told. She wasn’t always able to understand, but she listened.

It’s not often that you hear someone say that they aspire to be the child version of themselves, but in a lot ways I do. I was able to obey without fear. I was able to listen with an open heart. I hadn’t known what it was to truly worry, because my parents always kept me safe. Being an adult is really, freaking hard sometimes.

In all the moments I’ve prayed that God would change certain aspects of my life, and I’ve gotten angry and impatient when things remained the same or when I’ve prayed that God would just leave my life alone and He’s completely turned my world upside down, there’s always been a reason. Love. A completely reckless, completely unabashed and completely condition free love.

I was feeling pretty lost the other day and I asked God to simply remind me who I am. As I sat in the silence, there were no words, but He simply brought the picture of that little girl playing dress up to my mind. I saw the little girl who didn’t need validation from anyone to believe she was the most beautiful girl in the world. I saw the little girl who experienced such a pure joy to be exactly where she was. I saw the little girl that wasn’t afraid of what anyone thought because she didn’t understand judgement herself. I saw the little girl whose only expectation in life was to just be herself.

 I truly believe God calls us to have the faith of a child for a reason. It’s crazy how we become so disconnected from those pure, innocent little people we once were.

My prayer for this season is that God would remind not only me, but all the women struggling with finding their purpose and fulfillment that there is hope. There is always hope. I have felt like there has been a huge attack on the hearts of women lately. I know I personally have been struggling through a lot and I know I have felt alone for a lot of that.

That’s what Satan wants. He wants isolation and he want us to believe that we will never be enough despite our best efforts. He wants us to believe that we need to strive in order to be valued or deemed worthy. For my life personally, I have had enough. I am done feeling like I’m not good enough, like my life will never amount to anything, like my sins and my struggles define who I am.

I believe, with all of my heart, that God is going to raise up a generation of fiercely faithful and fiercely bold women. Women who like myself, have made countless mistakes, fallen short countless times, felt like we weren’t beautiful enough, smart enough, good enough, capable enough, worthy enough. I refuse to continue living under that lie and I just want all you ladies who are struggling with those very same things to know, I am praying.

I am praying that God brings freedom from the constant expectations. Freedom from the lies that some of us have believed for years. Freedom from the chains that sometimes we’ve built ourselves and therefore think we’re not deserving of being set free from. I am praying that God would remind each of us, everyday, who we are. That we wouldn’t be afraid to be women of God and children of faith all at the same time.

Thank you to all the women who have come along side me recently and encouraged me when I desperately needed it. My heart is that even if it’s for just one person, that I would be able to offer the same encouragement and grace to someone that was extended to me . You are not alone in this and God is still good!! ❤

 

When It All Falls Apart.

~ The Fragrance of my Mother ~ 1 Comment

sunshine-after-rainThere have been several moments in my life, especially in my adult life, where my faith, and every aspect of it, has truly been challenged. Through every moment, God has been so faithful. The thing about that though, is just because God is faithful, doesn’t mean things are going to be painless. You’d think I’d have learned this by now, but it’s something I’m still being reminded of. The past 3 or 4 years have been filled with some of the greatest joys and greatest heartbreaks of my life. I’ve experienced love, loss, joy, sadness, trust, anger and about a million other lessons and emotions. Sometimes, growing up is hard, but God is good, ALWAYS. I may not always be faithful, but He is faithful, ALWAYS. Something I’m also still having to remind myself of constantly.

God has brought me through a lot the last few years. I’ve struggled, I’ve learned, I’ve grown. (Not always in that order, but He eventually gets me exactly where He wants me.)  But what I’m finding is that just because you make it through one difficult season, it doesn’t mean there aren’t more to come, and possibly harder ones than the seasons you’ve already walked through.

Life has recently brought me to a place of complete and total uncertainty. A place of once again, having no answers. Every aspect of my life seems like it’s a question mark right now. Even God. I question what He’s doing. I question why He’s doing what He’s doing. I question why He allowed me to walk through the things He has. Why He’s allowed me to struggle so much with the things I’ve been struggling with. I’ve questioned His goodness. I’ve questioned His sovereignty.

2 years ago, I was in a very similar place. I was lost. I was stubborn. I was trying so desperately to just cling to something, anything that would give me some sort of a tangible sense of security, if only for a moment. I wrestled with anger and doubt. I called God and who He says He is into constant question. It took awhile, but He eventually brought me to a place of surrender. As much as I fought it, as much as I tried to place the blame of my circumstances on literally anyone and anything other than myself, He got me, and as soon as He did, life started to get better. It didn’t always feel like it and it was never a quick process, but looking back, I can see His hand on me the entire time.

This time around, in this season, it’s a little different. I started this blog after my entire world had already come crashing down around me. I’m writing this today from the moment just before that. That moment when the ground moved so violently under my feet that everything that I was holding so tightly to, was forced out of my grip. That moment when everything is up in the air, and as gravity brings it all back down, you either catch it or it all falls to the ground.

It’s been hard for me to not have the mindset that I’m in the exact same place as I was 2 years ago. That I may have grown in that moment, but I’ve backslid right to where I was and it was all for nothing. Unfortunately, in some ways it’s true that I’m in a very, frighteningly similar place, but in other ways, it’s completely different. This time, as I’m watching everything be thrown from my arms and out of my control and instead of doing whatever I can to reach out and grab onto whatever is still within arms reach, I’m stepping back and willingly let it all fall.

I thought the scariest place I’ve ever been in, was a place where God asked me if I’d be willing to give up the things that mean most to me in this world, to obey Him. The thought of letting go of the things that made me feel safe was terrifying to me and sometimes still is. Thinking about letting go of things I’d come to depend on and look to for comfort was truly not something I was interested in doing. God gave me plenty of opportunities to loosen my grip and to let go, but every time I got close, I would get scared and I would hold on tighter. Eventually, He got me to a place where as much as I wanted to, I just couldn’t hold on to it all anymore and I had no choice but let go. What I failed to realize was that the scary place isn’t being willing to give everything up, it’s being in a place where you’re not. A place where you convince yourself that you have control over your life and your future. A place where you truly believe that you can hold everything together all by yourself.

After that, I never thought I’d be in that place again, until now. Flash forward 2 years. This time though, I can recognize when God is trying to get ahold of my heart. Instead of fighting Him every step of the way, I am learning to be willing to turn my eyes to Him, put my arms down and let God catch and place in front of me only the things that He desires for me to have. That’s the beauty of Jesus. That’s the beauty of the reckless love of a Savior who knows far better than I do. I have been SO uncertain, SO confused, SO heartbroken and SO angry, again. I turned my back on Jesus, again. I heard Him calling my name over and over, and I still kept running away, again. And yet despite all of that, the minute I turned around and needed help, He came straight to my rescue.

Being obedient is definitely not always easy, especially in the midst of such uncertainty. Having to admit that that uncertainty came from a combination of things that were both out of and within your control is tough. Having to acknowledge that we don’t know best for ourselves and that sometimes that means walking everyday, in what seems like total darkness. The unknown is scary. The possibility that maybe the life we had dreamed of and created for ourselves isn’t necessarily the right thing, is even scarier. I’m constantly reminding myself that even though it doesn’t feel like it, and even if it seems impossible, that is the best place to be. To be in complete surrender.

This blog started out of desperation and longing for clarity. I wanted answers and I wanted reasons for things that still remain unexplained. Although it doesn’t feel like it, this blog continues out of the growth of my heart through God’s faithfulness. It’s really beautiful to look back at where my heart was, to see that the things that I was struggling with, and the person I was at the time were never out of God’s grasp or mercy. I’m able to step back and let the pieces of my life fall apart this time, and despite all the uncertainty surrounding me, know that He is going to let everything fall where it’s supposed to. In all of this, God has never failed to bring everything together and pull everything into one flawed but perfect picture.

Although I’m learning to completely trust God to support and fulfill me, I can’t ignore the fact that there is a huge part of all of this missing; my mom. I can’t help but wish she was able to walk beside me and help me through all of this. This blog began as a way to finish a legacy that she started, but it’s through this, that God has allowed me to heal, to surrender, to be accountable, to be honest, to be open and to experience the fullness of His grace in a way that I never have before. I can’t think of a better reflection of my mom and who she was than through that. Not only do I get to keep creating my own legacy through all of this, but God made it possible to breathe life into hers even after she’s gone.

To anyone who is struggling on a similar road, one you never wanted to be on in the first place, or never thought you’d be back on, please know you’re not alone. It sucks, it’s heartbreaking, at times it feels hopeless and it’s SO hard, but you are not alone. In all the questions and in all of the broken moments, the only thing I truly know is that God is ALWAYS good. God is ALWAYS sovereign. God’s grace is ALWAYS sufficient for us and even when it hurts, He is ALWAYS worthy of our praise.

“Awake my soul to sing with Your breath in me, I will worship. You taught my feet to dance upon disappointment. And I will worship.”

Through Waters Uncharted.

~ The Fragrance of my Mother ~ 1 Comment

through waters uncharted“Through waters uncharted my soul will embark, I’ll follow your voice straight into the dark. And if from the course You intend I depart, speak to the sails of my wandering heart.”

For the past few years, my Dad has been talking about chartering a boat, and taking our family on a “week long sailing excursion.” It’s important to note that neither my dad, nor any other member of my family has even a hint of sailing or boating experience, so naturally, the thought of this is absolutely terrifying to me. The thought of putting everyone I care about and love most into a boat, one in which none of us have any experience in doing and just hoping we somehow make it “somewhere” safely, seems like a really terrible idea. It raises so many practical questions that I think anyone would inevitably ask themselves… “Where are we going?” “What do we do and how do we do it?” “Will we make it somewhere or will we just float out to sea and get lost forever?” Shortly after these thoughts, and many more like them, go racing through my head, I immediately start envisioning myself in a Tom Hanks in Castaway type situation. All this to say that as much as I would love to have the same confidence my dad does for something he knows virtually nothing about, and have the faith to believe everything is going to be okay, I don’t. In fact, I am quite the opposite. I would love to have that fearlessness, but I tend to operate more within the confines of crippling fear most days.

I know this seems like more of a humorous anecdote than an actually meaningful thought, but all humor aside, that fear stops me from far more than a family sailing trip. That fear dictates much of what I do. It’s the same fear that was the reason I haven’t written in probably over a year. Reading back over everything from the past few years is bittersweet. I read those words and I am immediately taken back to that time and on one hand, I can see how much growth took place in the midst of everything that was changing in my life. I see Jesus in those pages and through those words. On the other hand, I can’t help but feeling a wave of sadness. The path I was on, the path of growing up and maturing; it doesn’t seem so clear anymore. Over the past 2 years, there’s been a lot of ups and downs. Fear seems to be the overwhelming theme as of lately, and it’s left a wake of destruction and isolation in it’s path. As terrible as this may sound, I used to find a bit of humor in the scene of Castway where Tom Hanks is trying to make his escape from the island and as he falls asleep, Wilson drifts off… not because I lack compassion, but because he’s yelling at a literal volleyball with a face on it. I watched that movie again last night, only this time it wasn’t so funny. I found myself relating to that very moment and my heart truly ached; the isolation, the desperate cry to hold onto the one thing that gave him reason to keep going and watching it slowly slip away, powerless to stop it, and the moment of complete and utter defeat before he was rescued.

I’ve had quite a few people reach out lately, asking me how I’m doing. To most all of you, I’ve said something along the lines of “I’m so great. Life is good.” I felt led to write this, not because I need sympathy from anyone, but because putting this out in the light, takes away its power. Being honest allows accountability and the more I’m willing to be open, I know the more freedom God will allow me to experience. I have a habit of trying to hide my weaknesses and play it off like everything is great. Without fail, God exposes my heart for where it truly is every time. Honestly, it sucks in the moment and it’s really hard to face your biggest insecurities and shortcomings head on, but I believe that’s the only way to find healing.

To all of you who have asked, the answer I should have given you is, life is hard right now. I have found that being in your twenties is one of the most tumultuous times, and I’m only halfway through them. For me, the biggest cause of this has been alcohol. I know this is something that people of all ages deal with, but there’s something about being in your twenties, that you feel almost an entitlement to drink as much as you want, and not have to answer for any of it, because you’re in you twenties, and it’s “just what everyone does.”  You hear things like this a lot, or at least I did, which could be due, in part, to the people I was surrounding myself with. What I failed to realize, is that its not actually what everyone does, and it does affect the people around you, especially when it gets out of hand like it did for me. I will be completely honest, I’m not writing this from a place of having learned my lesson or gotten past it, I’m writing this from step -5. I am in the heart of the monster that, for me, is alcohol.

The allure of drinking started when I was 21. I was in an incredibly vulnerable place in my life, and alcohol made me something I thought I couldn’t be on my own. It allowed me to be this confident, outspoken, beautiful, charming woman, when what I really felt like, was this shy, inadequate, purposeless, scared little girl. It started off great, or so I thought. It allowed me to live without consequence. When things were good, they were great, and if I drank too much, which happened way more than I ever cared to admit, I could get by with the excuse, “Oh well, I was drunk.” Far too many times did I use that as a reason to not be held accountable to things I said or did, and it became a lifestyle.

I read a book in which the author compared struggling with alcohol to an abusive relationship. Now when I first read that, it sounded like a bit of a stretch. To me, it’s apples and oranges, 2 completely different situations. But the more I read, the more I understood. I’m paraphrasing here, but she pointed out how at first it charms you, it draws you in and makes you feel warm and accepted. It gives you confidence and seems to squash any and all insecurities that you have. But the more you give into it’s power and allure, slowly it starts to break you down. Some people see the red flags right away, and are able to correct it and walk away. But for others, myself included, the more you try and walk away, the more appealing it becomes, and soon there after, it seems like it controls everything you do. You become isolated and dishonest, and before you know it, you don’t even recognize who you are anymore, yet somehow, you still feel like you can’t walk away; you need it.

Growing up, when I thought about who I would be at this point in my life, I never in a million years would have guessed that I would be battling with alcohol and consequently watching the relationships around me crumble, watching people that I love or have loved in the past consistently be hurt, friendships be torn apart, jobs be lost, attempts at school fall through, all because I let alcohol hold more value than the people I care about and the plans God has for me. It wasn’t until just recently that I finally hit a breaking point with all of this, and everything fell apart. God finally exposed the one thing I’ve been trying so desperately to hide and he brought it forth with the brightest light possible.

Having to finally be honest with my family, my best friends, and hardest of all, the love of my life, was the hardest moment of my life so far. Having to come clean about all the times I’ve lied about drinking, tried to cover it up, tried to diminish just how badly I was struggling with this for years now, and watching the hearts of everyone I shared this with break for me, broke my heart in a way that I didn’t know was possible. I finally came face to face with the hurt that’s been caused by this and finally saw just how deeply this affected everyone around me, and it was almost too much for me to handle.

For some of you that have known me, I’m sure this is coming as no shock to you. Some of you have even called me out on it, and I want you to know that even though I chose to ignore your words at the time, they weren’t lost on me. To others of you, this may be completely surprising. To share something so personal and something so private is nauseating beyond belief. I wish I could just snap my fingers and make it all go away. I wish with everything I have that I could take back every terrible drunken word or moment that’s caused hurt not only to myself, but to the people I care most about. In all my regret and all my fear of losing just about everything, I am reminded that God is still good. That no matter how far I’ve veered from the path He laid out for me, I was never, and am never out of his sight. I have a nasty habit of making things much harder for myself than they have to be, but I can’t help but feel like God knew exactly what He was allowing me to walk into the whole time. He had to allow me to lose myself so I could rediscover myself in Him. I’m not there yet, and I desperately wish I could say I was. What I do know is, and I firmly believe, is that even in my greatest weakness, God is made greater. That in my most sinful and shameful moments, He is still magnified.

For those of you who took the time to read all of this, I want to thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I truly believe God is going to bring good from all of this, some days more than others. I feel like I’m starting from square one again, which is sort of beautiful, because that’s where this all began. It began with me walking straight into the darkness of the unknown and doing my best to rely on His voice to carry me through. I’ve seen Him do it before and I wholeheartedly believe He will do it again. I believe that God desires so much more for us than to live in the shadows, to hide in the darkness in fear of judgement or shame. Thank you to everyone, past and present, who has come beside me and helped me start to move forward. I have no words to express how grateful I am for every one of you.

“Even when my strength is lost, I’ll praise you. Even when I have no song, I’ll praise you.
Even when it’s hard to find the words, louder then I’ll sing your praise. I will only sing your praise.”

Living on Purpose.

~ The Fragrance of my Mother ~ Leave a comment

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“Set your sights, sailing far beyond familiar
In the rising tide, you’ll find the rhythm of your heart
And lift your head, now the wind and waves don’t matter
What if the path you choose becomes a road
The ground you take becomes a home
The wind is high, but the pressure’s off
I’ll send the rain wherever we end up
Wherever we end up”

It’s crazy to me how quickly our lives can change, sometimes without us even knowing it. Whether it’s a change of heart or a change of circumstances, the futures we’ve dreamed of and the plans we’ve envisioned can change course, in what seems is only an instant.

I’ve spoken about it many times before and I’m sure I will be speaking the same words for the rest of my life but every day I become increasingly more aware of God’s sovereignty and the fact that He is so faithful. Faithful and sovereign: Those terms have really come to have a whole new meaning in my life over these past months. The idea of God’s sovereignty was something that I believed as long as everything was still within my control. As long as everything turned out the way I wanted and it looked the way I pictured, then clearly I was seeing God’s faithfulness in my life. (Which I now realize is completely the opposite of what that actually is). I totally and completely limited God in almost every part of my life, and in turn, ended up restricting my future to a very simple and very limited vision. I truly thought I was trusting God and I thought I was allowing Him to guide me and lead me, but my control and my unwillingness to surrender ran incredibly deep.

Since I can remember, I have always had somewhat of a restless heart. I haven’t quite figured out if that’s a good or a bad thing, and in some ways I think it can be both. The challenge for me is deciphering between the two. There have been times where I felt restless because I felt God pushing me to move when I was standing still. Other times, I’ve felt restless because I was lacking contentment. It’s hard to feel content when you feel like you have no direction and when you feel like you’re wandering aimlessly, it’s hard to feel like you have a purpose.

Trusting God with my restless heart and my future has been much more challenging than I ever thought, but I’m starting to see the reward is also so much greater than I could have ever imagined. As a single, 24 year old who is still figuring her life out, it can be incredibly easy for your heart to become anxious. There are so many pressures that come with this phase of life; and in turn that pressure can cause you to feel like you should be somewhere that you’re just not yet.

This is the time in most people’s lives where they are graduating college, starting careers, getting married and starting families. Those are all wonderful things and honestly, some that I hope to find for my own life someday, but what happens when God takes YOUR life and completely moves you to something off the beaten path?  To a place that may seem incredibly isolating and so different from what everyone else is doing? It causes you to question. It can absolutely cause doubt and a feeling of “missing out”. It can make you feel inadequate and ashamed. It’s easy to get caught up in seeking a career, a spouse, money, or whatever else, because thats what you’re SUPPOSED to do at this point. Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying that those things are bad by any means, but without Jesus leading us to those things, we could be blind to what God has in store.

Over this past year, I have had so many moments where I have felt “singled out” by God. It wasn’t until recently that he changed my perspective when I’ve thought about that. So many times I would look at my situation and, as much as I hate to admit it, it was from a place of feeling sorry for myself. I felt like God was just taking from me a life that he had laid out in front of me. I had never experienced an anger and a bitterness of that caliber before, which was a direct result of the way I was choosing to look at everything. I started challenging myself to everyday, even in the worst of circumstances, find at least one thing I was thankful for. As I started doing this consistently, I found that list becoming longer and longer and the focus shifted from what I had lost to what God had blessed me with and what He was doing in my life. It wasn’t until recently that I have become SO thankful that God singled me out. Only this time, I don’t see that as a bad thing.

My prayer for years has been that God would have His way in my life, and I never let go enough to actually let that happen. (I have a tendency to be my own biggest hindrance.) Recently, God has put me on a road that I not only don’t understand but I never would have chosen for myself. I’m starting to find that future I had envisioned for myself looks nothing like the one God seems to be shaping for me, but I have never trusted anything more. I have never experienced such a genuine peace about something so unfamiliar.

I look back to where I was a year ago, and I wouldn’t have believed you if you would have told me I’d be where I am right now. I was happily engaged to a WONDERFUL man who I loved so deeply, I had friends that I thought were lifelong and I was focused on striving toward a career and a future that I had always pictured. As many of you know, every single one of those doors closed. Every. Single. One.

From where I stand now, I am so thankful. I am thankful God took me through heartache that at times, seemed unbearable. It refined me.  I am thankful that I had the friendships I did, even just for a time. They strengthened me. I’m thankful for the 5 years I got to spend with an incredible man. I learned more from him, more about myself and how truly selfish I can be, more about love, forgiveness and grace from that experience than all of the other things put together. Most importantly, I’m thankful for God and who He is. I am thankful that I serve a Sovereign and limitless God! A God who knows far better than I do and is willing to destroy my plans for His good and the good of those who love Him. A God who is gracious enough to walk with me through some of the darkest moments of my life and still call me His.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes along the way and some that I still struggle with today, but I am learning that just as much as God’s plan knows no bounds, neither does His grace. I truly believe He uses every situation, every mistake and every victory for His good if you allow Him. It still amazes me how much He can change a heart, even as sinful and rebellious as mine can be, and bring forth desires that are so beautiful and so pure.

So to all of you who feel “singled out” by God, who feel isolated and maybe even abandoned, let me be a testament to how truly faithful Jesus is. It’s OKAY if you’re not where everyone else is. It’s okay to dream of a future that looks nothing like that of everyone around you. It’s OKAY to be single and its OKAY to not have everything figured out. There are still so many things that I don’t know about my future, but I promise you, if you truly ask for the wildly boundless God to ruin your plans and shatter your realities and make them His own, He will be immeasurably faithful to do so. That’s a really scary prayer sometimes, because He will have His way if you let Him, and it may look nothing like you thought, but at least from my experience so far, the reward is so much sweeter.

“Not my will, but yours be done. Not my strength, but yours alone. Nothing else, but You Oh Lord.
I find everything in You.”

When Sorrow Becomes Song.

~ The Fragrance of my Mother ~ Leave a comment

“You are going to come across people in your life who will inspire you, love you and change you. And that is a rare thing, but every once in a while you will come across someone who will completely rob you from your sleep and those are the people who are just too beautiful to put into words.”

 

Writing over these past couple months has been so healing for me. It’s allowed me to be open in a way that I’ve never known how to be, and it has grown me in ways that I can’t even explain. Just being open to simply facing everything you feel, both good and bad, has proved to be a much more complicated process than I thought, but as I’ve allowed myself to become more transparent, I’ve been able to work through so much more than I ever imagined. At times it’s been messy and confusing. Other times it’s been dark and discouraging and sometimes, it’s just been unbearably heartbreaking. The past few years have tested and tried me and in so many ways, I felt like I was just falling on my face with every step I took. (My life there for a while, bared a striking resemblance to the opening scene of Bridget Jones’s Diary. I would love to say I’ve never spent a Friday night in, drinking wine and eating Chinese food, binge watching Frasier and belting Celine Dion at the top of my lungs, but my neighbors can attest to the fact that it’s happened on more than one occasion. If I’m being honest, it was a pretty frequent occurrence; but who’s counting?) However, I stand here, however many months later, a stronger woman. Not a perfect woman by any means, but a woman who stopped living in fear and letting my circumstances dictate who I was going to be and what I was going to make of myself. I had the best example of this for 23 years, and that was the example of my Mom.

I can’t believe it’s just a week shy of being a year since she left this earth. I love to write, but more than anything, I love to write about things that inspire me. My mom inspired me more than anything or anyone that I’ve ever come in contact with. I’ve written about my mom through oceans of tears, through anger, through doubt and questioning and it’s almost been like she’s been walking with me through it all. In honor of her true birthday, the day that she went home to be with Jesus, I find myself writing this from a place of pure joy; a place of knowing so assuredly that she is TRULY alive and experiencing the fullness of God’s love and glory. When I really stop and think about that, it gives me chills because I never expected to feel such a joyfulness and gladness when writing about something so hard.  It’s really easy to focus on our selves when something major happens and when our world is rocked, it’s almost natural to focus on what’s lost. Over the past year, I’ve really learned how to change my perspective. I was looking at what I had lost and not seeing what my mom had gained. Although I would selfishly give anything to have just one more day with her, or hear her voice again, I know she is experiencing a life that I can’t even begin to fathom and therein lies my joy. That brings me comfort and it brings me a peace that stills my heart to almost complete abandon. It’s crazy that even though she’s not here with me anymore, I feel like she is still helping me grow in my faith. I think that’s just a testament to the faith she had and the woman she was.

My mom was beautiful. She was kind and she was selfless. She was beautifully flawed. She was truly clothed in grace and dignity. She was a warrior; faithful and courageous. She had a joy that only comes from the love of Jesus and her worth came from who she was in Him. I could not have asked for a better example of beauty. She loved fiercely and she loved deeply. She took the time to actually know people and understand them. She could make anyone feel welcomed and accepted, regardless of who you were or what you were going through.

My mom and I by no means had a perfect relationship. I was (and in a lot of ways still am) a handful but my mom never made me feel unloved. Don’t get me wrong, she wasn’t afraid to put me in my place, which I often needed, but she was patient and she always wanted the best for me and everyone around her. I am so thankful for the woman she was. I learned so much from her over the years. I learned what it means to be truly faithful. She showed me what it means to be strong. I learned strength isn’t looking like you have it all together or not allowing yourself to be affected by things, it’s being honest and vulnerable about how those things affect you. It’s being able to admit your weakness and face that head on. It’s about not letting fear control you. My mom always said she felt like fear stopped her from so many things. But what I saw was so much different. She faced her illness with an unrelenting courage and I am so grateful to have witnessed her walk such a difficult road. She was gracious and not once did I ever hear her complain. She had so much she could have been angry about, and I don’t know what she battled internally, but she was always thankful. She owed everything she had to Jesus and she did so unashamedly.

My sweet Momma, I have struggled through losing you and I know this road isn’t over, but today I am thankful. This week I have been joyful. Thank you for instilling in me a love for the Lord and a desire to lean on Him even when I don’t know how. Thank you for raising 3 amazing people that I can count on and confide in. Thank you for loving Jesus the way you did; so wildly and so freely. Thank you for being the greatest example of how God’s grace can transform and change you. Thank you for teaching me what it means to let go. That’s been a hard thing for me to practice, but I’m still learning and I’m surrendering more and more every day. Thank you for believing in me even when I didn’t believe in myself. You were truly an incredible woman and I owe so much of who I am right now to who you were. Thank you for always feeding my sense of adventure and encouraging my independence. I don’t know what my future holds, but for the first time in a long time, I feel so excited about it. Thank you for showing me what it means to “fight the good fight.”  I could go on for pages and hours about everything I love about you and miss so much, but I am going to leave it at thank you today. Thank you for who you were and although I miss you more than words can express, I am thankful you are where you belong.  Thank you for leaving me a legacy to hold onto on those days that feel hopeless. You were an extraordinary person and I am proud to call myself your daughter. I love you!

“Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything beautiful, for beauty is God’s handwriting.”- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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A Reason to Sing.

~ The Fragrance of my Mother ~ Leave a comment

“He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.” Psalm 40:2
Anyone with a Facebook is now well aware that I was just in Idaho, because for the past 4 days, I probably blew up your newsfeed with a slew of pictures…. So sorry! First off, it was one of the most amazing trips I’ve taken yet. I was there to visit my very dear friend Jozi and her husband Kyle. We spent the weekend camping ( in a yurt which was super cool) , hiking multiple trails, visiting hot springs, climbing sand dunes and just enjoying the beautiful Idaho mountains. As most of you know, the mountains are my favorite place in the entire world. They just exude majesty and wonderment in a way that nothing else does (at least in my opinion). I don’t know how someone can spend time surrounded by such beauty and not see Jesus. His spirit and his nature is undeniably present and you can’t help but feel like you’re just that much closer to heaven.

This trip this weekend could not have come at a better time for me. This past year has brought some really challenging circumstances and it’s brought out some of the best and worst characteristics in me. It changes from day to day and month to month, but I think I’ve faced every emotion possible at this point. This past month in particular though has been the darkest one yet. I don’t think my heart has ever been so hardened and I don’t know that I have ever felt so far away from Jesus and from myself. There were 2 really hard truths to face in that. 1. It wasn’t because Jesus abandoned me, it was because I turned my back on Him and walked away to do my own thing. And 2. I was deliberately allowing myself to live in darkness and sin. I felt like I was spiraling downward and I eventually got to the point where I just didn’t care. When it comes to my faith, I found that complacency is one of the scariest places to end up in. When you feel like you have nothing to lose, the people and things you care about and the way you see yourself loses value. That’s a very dangerous place to get to.

Long story short(ish), I fell into a pit that was too dark and too steep for me to get out of myself. I’ve said it before, but I’m not someone who likes to open up and talk about the things I struggle with. I tend to have the toxic combination of pride and shame when it comes to my sin. The two together completely hinder transparency, and transparency and honesty are the only things that lead to freedom and healing. The people that know me really well could see that I was really struggling, but I was too prideful and too ashamed to do anything about it, and in a lot of ways I didn’t even know what to do.

The night before I left for Idaho, I hit a breaking point. My best friend was in from out of town and I just broke down. I was finally able to be honest about what I was struggling with and where I truly was at spiritually; not where I wanted people to think I was. Being able to be completely open with her was so freeing but also incredibly unnerving because I realized just how selfishly I’ve been living. I in no way felt like myself and I once again, felt incredibly lost. (Like I said, it’s been very up and down. I’m finding that just part of life though.)

I got on the plane the next day discouraged and broken. I was ashamed of the person I’ve been lately and I felt like I was beyond the grace of God. For lack of a better phrase, I desperately needed a reason to sing. I finally made it to Boise and the second I saw my friend Jozi I felt encouraged. Side Note: Just a little bit about her… She and I met through a mutual friend and we have only known each other for about a year now. We’ve taken a few trips together and she is just one of those special people that you can talk to for about 5 minutes and feel like you’ve known for 5 years. God has given her such a graciousness and a transparency that I have seen only in maybe a handful of people. She is one of the best examples of a truly and genuinely godly woman and she has a wisdom that I strive to have someday. All that to say, you can spend about 2 seconds with her and your heart just feels encouraged. It was when we finally got up in the mountains to where we were camping that something in me just lifted. There wasn’t this grandiose moment, it was just a moment where I looked around and couldn’t deny God’s sovereignty and all that He is. I remembered, and more importantly, acknowledged who God is and who I am in Him. It was as simple as saying “God I’m so sorry and I am yours.”

I write this because I want to be a reminder that first off, no matter what your circumstances and what you’re walking through, you have a choice in how you respond. Sometimes it hurts and sometimes it’s unbearably hard, but you always have a choice. Unfortunately, it’s in my nature to have to learn the difficult way and more times than not, I choose to chase after what feels good instead of what is good for me. With that being said, there is always grace. Grace that can surpass any sin and any shame. I’m not at all trying to preach at anyone, I am just speaking from my experience and that is, that sin is inevitable but God is SO good. One of my favorite songs is Brokenness Aside by All Sons & Daughters (If you haven’t heard it, check it out. It’s amazing!) The whole song speaks to the fact that we are all sinful by nature. No matter what the sin, we are all a broken people, but God can take even your darkest and deepest sin and make it beautiful. I’m sure that sounds pretty cliché and pretty basic but I can attest to the fact that that is something I never want to take for granted again. It is a powerful truth that I desperately needed to be reminded of and this weekend, God opened my eyes to that again.

As a believer, I’ve had my many moments of wandering and doubting, but this past month it was to a whole new degree. I was so overcome by fear and shame and hated the person I allowed myself to become. I am by no means saying that after this weekend I’m perfect and have it all figured out, cause I still (since post #1) have almost nothing figured out. I’m finding that everything I walk through, good and bad, I’m learning and I’m growing. This one was a hard lesson to learn though. Having to admit my many mistakes and having to shake myself and not use my circumstances/losses  as a justification to do whatever I want was hard, because that put the responsibility of those decisions and my attitude on me and me alone. Laying those at the foot of the cross is not always easy, but when I did, I was reminded of just how merciful God is and I felt His love and His presence in a way that I haven’t in long time.

After a weekend of wonderful fellowship with an amazing friend surrounded by beauty everywhere we looked, I feel like I have a reason to sing again. I feel like I found my worth again and my heart feels restored. To anyone who is in a similar place of feeling unworthy and ashamed, whatever the reason being for that, you are worth so much more. I know it’s so hard and sometimes nearly impossible to see when you’re in such a dark spot, and that’s okay, but God desires so much for you and his Grace is sufficient for you. If nothing else, I want to use this to be as transparent and honest; One, for my own growth and also so that anyone who is in the same boat knows that you’re not alone. There is hope! I am so thankful to serve a God that is gracious enough to rescue me over and over again. It’s not the first time I’ve gotten caught up in my sin and it certainly won’t be the last. My only prayer and hope is that those times are fewer and farther between the more I grow and allow him to lead me.

Again, to everyone who has walked by me and encouraged me though all of this, Thank you! From the bottom of my heart. Thank you for holding me accountable and helping get back on solid ground. To those of you who have prayed and listened, please know that I am so grateful and can’t express how thankful I am for every one of you!

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Remembering my Momma.

~ The Fragrance of my Mother ~ 2 Comments

Grieving is such a unique experience. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever felt. It’s not a solitary emotion and it’s not exclusive to any one situation or individual. It comes in waves and it rarely makes sense. There’s no time limit as to how long grief lasts and in a way, I think it can be lifelong. Loss is complex and the fortitude it takes to face that every day is sometimes beyond what I think I’m capable of. There have been so many days where I wanted to just curl up in a ball and cry until no more tears were left, and there have been days where I’ve done it. Sometimes I question my strength; I question the promise of God never giving us more than we can handle. I question His Sovereignty and I question why He does what He does. It’s easy to want to give up in the face of heartbreak.

I made it through a few of the hardest days I’ve faced yet. I was truly dreading this past weekend for a few different reasons, but the biggest reason being Mother’s Day. How was I supposed to face that day when my mom isn’t here to celebrate? In thinking that thought over and over again, it occurred to me that if my mom could face her sickness the way she did EVERY day for almost 3 years, surely I could make it through a tough weekend. All that to say, my Mother’s strength made her a warrior. I have never seen someone walk through so much fire with so much grace. She taught me more about perseverance and finding joy in sadness that I can’t help but still feel that joy even now that she’s gone. With her birthday coming up this week, she deserves to be celebrated. I used to write my mom a letter every year on her birthday, so Momma, this is for you!

 

Momma, there are so many things that I want to tell you! First of all, I miss you more than I can even begin to express. I listened to a voicemail Tracy had saved on her phone and heard your voice for the first time since you’ve been gone and to no one’s surprise, I started sobbing like a child in the middle of Hector’s (And yes, I did have a margarita in your honor). Even with an embarrassing amount of publicly ugly-crying, it was worth it because I got to hear your voice again. I miss that more than you know. I’ve started traveling… A LOT. You always encouraged me to do it and now I’m finally doing it! I haven’t even come close to seeing everything I told you I want to see, but it’s a start. The mountains by far are my favorite, as you know. There’s something even more special about them now though. I told you so many times that when I’m hiking in the mountains, it makes me feel closer to heaven and now, it makes me feel closer to you too. Everywhere I look, I am in awe of the beauty of God’s creation, so I can’t even imagine what you’re seeing!

I have my own apartment now. I think you would love it! There are big beautiful trees all around and I have flowers everywhere which makes me think of you! Added bonus… It has a wood burning fire place. (Dad had to show me how it works but its fine and I haven’t burnt the place down yet so I think I’m doing alright!) However, you were totally right that being on your own is crazy expensive… but it’s worth it! You would be very proud, I’ve managed to keep the carpet stains to a minimum and with the exception of catching a mouse (due to me leaving a trash bag on my balcony… lesson learned.) I’m actually doing pretty well at this whole “on my own, single, 23 year old” thing! Thank you for always encouraging my fierce independence. It’s serving me very well, just like you said it would. You always made me feel confident and sure of myself… even when I maybe shouldn’t have been (i.e. my basketball career or the bangs phase of 1996-2001, which lasted entirely too long). But you always made me feel like I could do anything. You were my biggest cheerleader and I cannot thank you enough for the love and encouragement you showed me every day.

I played the piano for the first time in months the other day! Honestly, I haven’t been able to because every time I would sit down to play, I would picture you sitting next to me like you used to, and it was just too hard. But you’ll be happy to know that I finally started playing again, and I played for hours! I’m sure it sounds a little crazy, but I can still feel your presence when I’m playing. It’s like your right there with me and I cherish all those times you would just sit with my while I played!

I hear you in so much and I see you in everything; but more than anything, you left me with three of the greatest reminders of who you were, my siblings. Aside from the Lord, they are the reason I’m still standing! You have no idea how comforting it is to know when I am desperately missing you, I can look at each of them and see you!

I see your kindness in Brett! He calls and checks on me all the time and he’s always the first one to notice when I’m not okay. We still have lunch about once a week and he’s always there to listen, even when I ramble on about ridiculous things… His patience has greatly improved, by the way, because we all know my babbling capabilities are infinite! He also has your strong desire to keep our family close! He takes care of us all the way you did and he has grown into a man that I can only hope to find myself someday!

I see your enthusiasm and pure joy for living life in Andrew! Your passion for life was electric, and Andrew has that same quality about him! You can’t help but laugh when you’re around him and he brings me so much joy, just in the way that you used to! I also see your selflessness in him! He took on so much responsibility after you were gone and took a huge weight off of all of our shoulders. He also may or may not have taken on your endearingly frazzled self!

Lastly, I see your strength in Becki! Mom, you would be so proud of her! I have watched her grow up more in the last 10 months that I have in her entire life. She has fought through some extremely hard days and she’s done it with more grace and more kindness than I can even believe. She has your heart for the Lord and she is sometimes more of a big sister to me, than I am to her! She has wisdom that is so far beyond her years and I am so excited to see what God has planned for her!

You were an amazing mom! Even though I only got you with me for 23 years, you showed me enough love to last me a lifetime! I miss your hugs, and I miss curling up on the couch with you even as a grown adult! I miss how I could call you at 3 in the morning and you would stay up and talk with me for as long as I needed. I miss how you would never fail to forget your coffee in the microwave or burn basically every baked good imaginable. I miss how excited you would get over the simplest things… Inherently I get that from you.  I miss our spontaneous lunches and coffee dates. Most of all, I miss your laugh. It could brighten anyone’s day and never failed to make me feel better. I probably didn’t say it enough, but you were the most beautiful person I’ve ever known. You were dealt some really tough cards over the years, and so many times you got less than what you deserved. I never heard you complain and you never failed to be thankful! So in those moments when I question why God took you so soon, I’m reminded that you are now in a place that you deserve. You deserve to be free of pain. You deserve to sing and dance for all eternity. You deserve to be with your true love, Jesus. And you deserve all the unfathomable beauty heaven has to offer. Thank you for being the woman you were! Thank you for loving me the way you did and thank you for raising 3 amazing people that I get the privilege of calling my family! I’m just starting to figure this whole adult thing out. Sometimes I do really well, and other times I feel like I’m failing constantly. You set such an amazing example that I know I’m going to be okay either way! I love you so much! I desperately wish you were still here, but thank you for leaving a legacy that has given me more courage and more strength to still find joy even in such immense loss. Happy Birthday, Momma.momma

Pluviophile.

~ The Fragrance of my Mother ~ 1 Comment

pouring_rain

 

You don’t have to know me well to know that I am head over heels in love with the outdoors. You can look at almost any picture, talk to me for about 5 seconds, or pretty much assume by how I’m dressed most times, that I LOVE the outdoors. Nothing brings me greater joy than being outside and being completely consumed by nature and all of its elements. Those of you who know me a little better, probably know that there are two things in nature that just take my breath away. Those two things are the rain and the wind. I love them for many of the same reasons and they never cease to amaze me. Much like the wind, rain has a ferocity all of its own. It can be powerful and almost majestic; it can instill just a little bit of fear into your heart but at the same time, it can also be calm and overwhelmingly peaceful. The balance between the two, and how it can shift, in no time at all, from pouring down and flooding the streets to almost complete silence and stillness, to me, is beautiful. I think it reflects the very nature of God and who He is. HE is powerful. HE is magnificent and HE is beautiful. His love is a fury all of its own and nothing can compare to it. The joy that comes through HIM is breathtaking and mysterious. It’s something that you just can’t get enough of. It can shift from a powerful force to a gentle voice in seconds. It brings new life and it restores. It heals and it takes what was once dead and withering away and makes it stronger than before.

With all of my windows open from the night before, I woke up this morning to the sound of rain falling. It was a heavier rain, but it was peaceful. I laid there as long as I possibly could and just enjoyed the smell of the fresh rain and the sound of it falling outside my window. I enjoyed the stillness of and the simplicity of just taking in one of the first rains of the spring before I had to rush off to class and could no longer just lye there and be still. As I went to leave my apartment, I came across a picture. A picture that would have normally brought me joy and made me think fondly of the memories that it reflected. It was taken on a rainy day in the mountains and it was absolutely gorgeous. But as I looked at this picture today, it brought a rush of sadness and hurt. Looking at this picture, I didn’t see the amazing experience and wonderful memory, but I saw loss. I saw friends that I feel like I hardly know anymore, a love that didn’t work out and ran its course, myself who looked almost euphoric, and an amazing experience that I may never get to share with these people who were once like my family, again. Even as I’m writing, I can feel myself holding back tears and I can feel my heart aching and longing for that again. I finally walked away and as I climbed down three flights of stairs to get down to my car, with every step, sadness was turning into anger. As soon as I got to the bottom, I stood at the door to my apartment building and watched as the rain began to fall harder. Angrily, I zipped up my raincoat and prepared to run out to my car to avoid getting drenched and having to sit through an afternoon of classes sopping wet. As I flung the door open and started quickly jogging to my car, I felt my feet slow down and I came to a complete stop right in the middle of the sidewalk. Before I knew it, I was just standing there, completely soaked and completely okay with it (Thank the Lord for waterproof backpacks.) As I closed my eyes and extended my arms, I felt the water just pouring over me. I can’t explain it, but the joy I felt in that moment, was one I haven’t experienced probably since that picture was taken. In a matter of seconds, I felt all of that pent up anger and frustration; every ounce of bitterness and hurt washing away. I’m sure I looked like an insane person, but as I continued to stand in the pouring rain, I couldn’t help but smile and be filled with joy and thankfulness. In that moment, I experienced both a powerful and gentle God. The powerful God who can bring enough rain to restore every leaf on every tree, and a gentle God who can bring restoration to my heart, which it so desperately needed. This past month or so has been a struggle of anger and bitterness. I have walked through a season of holding on to hurt and still not relenting control. I last talked about letting go, and honestly it’s a day-by-day practice for me. Some days I do really well, but lately it’s been more of a struggle. I allowed the sadness in my heart to become anger. I allowed my heart to become callused and I fell into a pit of selfishness and resentment.

Today was a blessing that I don’t know if I even have the words to describe. I know it sounds so simple and probably a little bit dramatic, but I needed today. I needed to be reminded of who God is and what my purpose is here on this earth. I decided to write about this today because writing so openly has become one of the most beneficial ways for me to reflect and process. There’s a part of me that feels a little bit silly for getting all of this from rain, but I’m not going to question God’s methods of getting my attention; at this point I know better. I can truly say that I write this from a place of a renewed heart and mind. I was reminded of something that unfortunately I forget far too often, “it’s not about me”. I’m not on this earth to seek happiness, I’m here to seek Jesus and I’m here to serve. In all of this, I have neglected be mindful of that lately. I have been more focused on what I’ve “lost” and what is hurting me, than focusing on what is going on around me. I allowed myself to become blind to the fact that there are people around me who are hurting and need kindness. I didn’t take the time to thank God for all the wonderful things and people that I do have in my life. I didn’t acknowledge that His plan is perfect and choose to trust that.

This past year has been a lot of questioning; questioning what my purpose is and questioning who I am. I’ve been trying to figure out what role I’m going to play in this life and questioning will I accept that role He has asked of me, even when it’s not the one I wanted? I’ve said it before and I still stand by the fact that I know next to nothing. I don’t have many answers and I still don’t have anything figured out. But what I do know is I can’t begin to figure that out if my heart isn’t open to it. I know that the anger I was allowing to keep festering inside of me will only hinder me in moving forward. Today I was able to make a step in the direction of grace. I was able to take the hardest step in my opinion, and let down my pride enough to see that I wasn’t the one who was being wronged, I was the one who was in the wrong. I was the one who was being bitter and selfish and I was the one who wasn’t being even a little bit gracious.

There are moments when I am in awe of the love of God and how he works. Today was one of those moments. It shouldn’t considering God knows my needs better than I ever could, but I am always amazed at how he knows exactly what I need, when I need it. So to anyone who is walking through a similar season, there is hope and there is so much to be thankful for! Even if it doesn’t feel like it, which I totally get, God is still there and He will still show you who who He is. It may not come in the form of getting soaked in the pouring rain, but know that God is so good and so gracious even in your worst moments and you are worth so much more than carrying the burden of anger! To those of you who continue to pray for me and listen and encourage me, please know how incredibly grateful I am for you all and thank you for the overwhelming support!

“Rain is grace; rain is the sky descending to the earth; without rain, there would be no life.”- John Updike