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Be Still. Move Forward.

~ The Fragrance of my Mother ~ 3 Comments

“The world may tell us we’re too much and never enough. But we can walk wildly in who God created us to be and rest freely in the work Jesus did for us. We do not have to be confined or conformed by cultural expectations. We are unchained from our past and unafraid of our future. We choose compassion over comparison. We love without condition, without reserve. Our eyes are on God; we hold nothing back; we run fast and strong; we do not hide our light. We aren’t wild and free for our sake alone; rather we sing life, hope, and truth over the world with abandon- just as our God sings over us. We are wild and free. And we are poised to do mighty things, in Christ alone.” 

– Wild and Free; Jess Connolly and Hayley Morgan 

2020… What a crazy year it’s been so far. Uncertainty and unpredictability seems to be the underlying theme of just about everything going on in the world right now. I know for me, and I’m sure for so many others, the past months have been scary, stressful, frustrating and honestly just really, really hard. It seems like fear has had its way in the world lately. That can be said for my personal life as well. 

A little background for you…. Anyone who has known me over the past couple of years knows that those years have been a bit of a roller coaster. (“A bit” is very much an understatement.) I’ve struggled with addiction, depression, anxiety, grief, insecurity… you name it, but each struggle carries its own weight of fear in its own way. Together, they’ve combined to create a really difficult couple of years and created a life that is so rooted in an almost debilitating fear. 

For me, fear often translates to me hiding. Hiding how I’m feeling. Hiding how I’m really doing. Hiding my struggles. Hiding from accountability. Hiding from reality. Hiding from just about everything. Growing up, when I was scared or unsure, it was always my go-to to hide in my dark closet and lock the door and stay there until I felt ready to come out. For whatever reason, it made me feel safe. That same mentality carried over into my adult life, but as I reflect on it now, I see that it created such a false sense of security.

Hiding doesn’t solve anything. Especially when you’re struggling. It isolates you from everything and everyone and fear THRIVES in isolation and darkness. When I think about how as a little girl, I would hide in a dark corner, all alone, shutting out everything and everyone from getting to me, it really opened up my eyes to how I handle life as an adult. 

My point in all of this is to say that I’ve recently come to a place where I’m tired of hiding. It’s exhausting. It’s scary. It’s destructive… for me and for everyone around me. God didn’t create us to live our lives in fear. He didn’t create us to struggle alone. We are designed for fellowship and for me, Satan really gets his grip on me when I’m alone. 

It’s been quite some time since I’ve been truly transparent about the happenings in my life. That’s something that’s really hard for me to do, especially when I’m sitting all alone in the dark corner of my life. But I believe there is so much freedom that comes from putting it all out there. Bringing our weaknesses and struggles and putting them right out in the open can be terrifying, but I believe that’s when true breakthrough happens.

I believe it takes stepping out in total faith into the uncertainty of everything to really let God work. I believe healing and restoration happen through sincere humility and vulnerability. Letting go of the fear of judgement and surrendering absolutely everything is incredibly difficult, but I believe you have to in order to move forward. So that’s what I’m doing. 

It took some pretty hard lessons and some really big mistakes to get me to the point I’m at now, but I have learned a lot and grown from each of them. Looking back on everything, I can see God’s hand in everything that led me to the place I’m at now and there was never a moment he took his hand off of me. 

So that brings me to now… 

Someone asked me recently if I remembered the story of Moses and the Red Sea. She asked me if I remembered what God said to Moses when he got there. It seemed like he had hit a dead end and he didn’t know where else to go because he couldn’t go back to where he had just come from but he couldn’t get through either. She reminded me that when he had nowhere else to go, he cried out to God, and God responded and simply said, “The Lord himself will fight for you, you only need to be still.” And Moses was still, and God parted the waves and made a way through. Be still. Move forward. 

At first, this didn’t really make sense to me. How can you be still and move? As I prayed through this, I started to think that maybe in order to know how to move forward, you first have to learn to be still. Maybe I have to surrender my will to move forward in my way and in my own timing and let God take over and lead the way.

The more I sat on this, the more it resonated with me because that’s now where I find myself. In a place where I know that going back leads to destruction, but moving forward seems nearly impossible. It’s uncertain. It’s scary. I don’t see a way through. But for the first time in a long time, I’m truly trusting that God is going to make a way. 

Over the last few weeks, I realized I needed to make some serious changes in my life. There will be a time where I can really get into and share more about that I just don’t feel like I’m ready to do that yet. So, for now, I will just say I’m taking some huge steps out in faith and really trusting that God is going to bring freedom and breakthrough in my life.

This past week, I packed up and stored my whole life here, and this coming Friday (July 24th) I will be moving to Montana. I am leaving my whole life here and taking the next year to really focus on my relationship with Jesus and find some much needed healing. I’m going to be off the grid for that year, but I think it’s a very necessary sacrifice for me to be able to move forward.

I have no idea where my life is going to take me from there, but I am really excited to see what God does through all of this and I am open to anything and everything he has planned for me. I am very much at peace with everything and I look forward to being able to share what God is doing in my life! 

Thank you to each and every person who has come alongside of me and stood by me through all of this. I know it hasn’t always been easy to do. Thank you to every person who has called, checked in, supported me and covered me in prayer. I am beyond thankful for the support and encouragement and I love all of you so very much!

Until next time…. 

Highs & Lows

~ The Fragrance of my Mother ~ 1 Comment

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“I am going to beat this thing. My recovery will be slow and with new things to learn. I will take things one day at a time. And even one hour at a time sometimes. That is my today so far. It’s a good day. :)” – Maureen Helling (4/27/13)

Warning: WORD VOMIT AHEAD 

It’s a beautiful fall afternoon. I’m sitting on my balcony just taking it all in. The smell of Autumn in the air and Amos Lee in my ear. The sun is shining with the perfect chill in the air. This afternoon seemed perfect… blissful even. I’ve needed that. 

The honest truth? Life has been pretty tough lately. Between my own personal struggles and just the normal struggle of navigating your 20’s, life has kind of knocked me down lately. The past few years have held some pretty significant ups and downs. It seemed like I was either in the eerie calm before or in the raging waves, but either way, I was in the storm. 

Things hurt you. People hurt you. LIFE hurts you. In the moment, it’s hard to process. Shortly after, it’s still hard to process but you start to gain some sort of understanding and life goes on. From what I’ve found, there’s sort of an expectation that after hurt, there’s a time limit. (And I mean hurts or lows of any kind.) There’s a point where you’re supposed to just “be okay”; When the storm settles and life moves on. But where does that leave the people affected in its wake? 

I guess now I’m trying to navigate the aftermath. The everyday. Everything has settled down, at least in the eyes of time, yet my life still seems chaotic and unsettled to me. I’ve struggled through and cried over this for awhile now. People hurt you. Things hurt you. LIFE hurts you. No matter how many times you say it or come to terms with it, it doesn’t change the circumstances that hurt you. They are still there. 

One of the biggest losses for me, was my mom. She was my person. Our relationship was far from perfect, but she was my mom, my friend, my gladiator. I knew when life was crumbling, I could run to her and no matter what, she’d be there. Whether it was actually running to me, fighting for me, listening to me or simply praying for me, I knew she was there. Sometimes you just need your mom. 

In this whole season of life, the ups and downs, my greatest loss is also the person I need the most. So today, despite having the perfect afternoon I was far from being in a perfect place. I just really needed my mom. I have no voicemails and obviously I can’t talk to her, but I remembered that I could look up a blog site for people going through cancer treatments. To be honest, I had never looked at her page until now. But I started reading…. 

There are only a few, but nevertheless, very real times I’ve doubted God. Lately… It’s been one of those times. Not doubting His existence, but just that He’s there for me. I started reading my mom’s words in this blog, and weirdly, in one of the lowest moments of my life where I really needed her, I finally got some clarity.

I haven’t written in a while… I haven’t felt inspired. I haven’t felt great about myself. I haven’t felt God. I haven’t felt anything, really. Once life calmed down, I was able to actually see the damage. My world started to seem very small. Broken. Deteriorated. Like the wreckage after a storm. 

I started typing today because I have always felt like I can express myself better “writing through it” than “talking through it”. (Emotional limitations)  I kept writing and erasing and finally I just hit the back button to erase it all, only I ended up on my very first blog page ever. 

I named my blog “The Fragrance of my Mother” because I started this shortly after she died. She had always wanted to start a blog. In a way, I thought I could carry on her legacy. I thought I could finish what she started. But 4 ½ years later, in the wake of a few different storms, I realized that even in my doubts, even long after she’s gone, God spoke through her… 

The quote at the beginning of all of this was from my mom herself (in her blog) in the scariest moment of her battle with cancer. It was the moment of complete uncertainty, pain, doubt and loss. My keyboard is drenched in tears as I type this because I realized in reading her entries, just how strong she was….

My mom couldn’t control her circumstances, but she could control her reaction to those circumstances. She chose to believe that she was stronger than any disease. She chose to believe that no matter what, she would keep fighting. She chose to believe that GOD HAD HER, even if it was on an hour by hour basis. She lived in awareness of her greatest fears, yet faced them with grace, humility and courage. 

I sit here today, realizing that I started this blog in wanting to finish a legacy, but in turn, caused me to truly start my own. Even though she’s not here, her words live on. I know this has been a lengthy post, but I feel like this is her way of reminding me that God is very much real. Although entirely different, my struggles bear the same burdens of hers… Complete uncertainty, pain, doubt and loss. My future has been completely uncertain. My heart has been in so much pain. I have doubted God. I have lost. 

But in all of this, my mom never complained. She never lost hope. And what took her maybe moments to realize, it took me 4 ½ years through a blog, but even still…. Today I woke up feeling more sad than you can imagine and I sit here, for the first time in a long time, feeling like “life is good”. In reading her words, I remembered that even in the worst of circumstances, you can choose your reaction . How you respond. No matter what you’re going through, sometimes, it’s a day a time. Sometimes even hour by hour. 

God may get lost in the presence of loss and chaos, but He always presents Himself. For those of you feeling like you’re unseen or forgotten or like life is hopeless, just believe that life gets better, even if it gets worse first. I’ve been up and down and in and out with Him, but He has showed up EVERY TIME. Even still, grief doesn’t just go away and there’s no timeline. 

Hard is hard and I don’t believe one answer is the same for everyone, but at least I can put my story out there and maybe, in a weird roundabout way, let someone know that alone is not actually alone. NO matter what you’re facing. No matter what hurts your working through. I may not know how to get through things sometimes, but today I was reminded that I can.  So that is my today. It’s a good day. 

“Highs and lows. Lord, You’re with me either way it goes. Should I rise or should I fall? Even so, Lord, You’re with me through it all.”

 

 

Three Years…

~ The Fragrance of my Mother ~ Leave a comment

FullSizeRender.jpgThree years. It seems like forever, yet at the same time, it seems like just yesterday.

It’s been three years since I’ve heard your voice. Three years since I’ve heard your infectious laughter. Three years since I’ve called you at three in the morning and you let me come over and watch movies and you stayed up with me, just so I didn’t feel alone.

Three years breaks my heart. Three years makes me really appreciate the 23 years I got with you, however it seems so cut short. Three years feels like way too long to go without my Momma’s advice.

However, you left me with the legacy of your life. You reminded me that it’s one step at a time. You reminded me that God holds a light to our present steps and motions. You taught me that it’s okay to not know how the future is going to go, and it’s okay trust Jesus step by step.

More than anything, my Mom taught me that fear is only an emotion…. If we allow it to be. She taught me that all of us get scared, especially about the unknown, but her faith and her unwavering dedication to trusting God with such uncertainty showed me that even though life may not turn out how you want, God is ALWAYS good. He is ALWAYS sovereign. He is ALWAYS faithful.

My life looks nothing like I thought it would at 26 (or regardless of age, wherever I’m at). I’ve learned that heartache doesn’t dissipate. I’ve learned that there will always be reminders of heartache.

Forgiveness doesn’t wipe out the existence or the memory or hurt, it simply allows us to graciously accept our current circumstances. Healing is taking brokenness in stride. It’s understanding that the process of being mended is a delicate balance of joy and suffering.

In order to truly appreciate the journey of healing, you have to know where you started and came from. To see where God brought you to, or out of.  Learning to walk with faith doesn’t always mean walking without grief. But there is a sacred beauty in the joy that comes from that refinement. The scars we bear are beautiful because they reflect the scars of a man who took on what we couldn’t. Jesus. 

Ecclesiastes says that “Everything is made beautiful in it’s time.” There is a time for everything. When we hold onto pain, anger and hurt we miss SO much that is happening to us. When we graciously accept all of this as a tool of refinement, we are able to see past the emotion of heartbreak and see how God is using it to shape us.

In all the “times” that God speaks about love and hate, I’m reminded that when we hate, God is love. In our time of tearing, God is mending. In our time of quiet, God speaks louder than ever. In our time of grieving, God teaches us to dance.

This isn’t a post about having all or really any of the answers, it’s a post about being reminded of that fact that Jesus is sovereign over everything.  My Mom’s legacy reminds me to take every day as if you’re being lead by a lantern.

Every step is lit only one by one. I may not be able to see every step in my future or know where it leads, but I rest in that fact that it’s covered by Jesus. I may have my moments of questioning and doubting, but I am so  reassured of the grace of God. I feel freedom to ask what he wants to show me. I feel freedom to ask where he wants me to go and what He wants to do with my life.

All this to say, I feel like my Mom played such a huge role in me trusting Jesus. Her future was SO uncertain. Her life was ended much sooner than she (or any of us) had planned, but Jesus had planned something different and she rested so peacefully in that. She is my legacy. She is my reminder that Jesus is ALWAYS good. And most importantly, she is my reminder that what I do with my life is not of myself, but of Him.

The Unraveling

~ The Fragrance of my Mother ~ Leave a comment

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Todays thoughts: Being alone takes courage.

Whether by choice or not, both bring a different element of discipline. Being alone by our own design is courageous because it means actively quieting all the voices of desire that fuel expectation; both of our own or of everything and everyone around us. Making the deliberate choice to take pause and time for ourselves and our own lives, often isn’t the easy decision.

Being alone when it’s not our own choice is courageous because it means choosing patience to bravely stand alone over things that we can’t always control. Whether it’s something that has been stripped away or simply hasn’t presented itself yet and despite the longings in our hearts, it takes courage to wait faithfully. To trust that there still is hope, even though our futures may not look anything like we’ve imagined them to.

I find myself somewhere in the middle of these two positions. Sitting on the edge of complete uncertainty, yet intentionally making the decision to stay exactly where God has me. I’d being lying if I said it was my choice to be where I’m at in my life currently, but I can say, that it is my choice to accept it honestly and faithfully, and find grace in wherever that is. Grace towards everyone around me. Grace toward God and his radically different plans than my own. Grace to accept that my mom “should” still be here with me. Grace over the anger and emotion of my very flawed, human heart. Grace towards myself.

I fall prey to the feeling of unworthiness more than I’d like to admit. I believe the lies. I believe the thoughts of not being good enough. I believe that, even just at 26, I’ve made too many mistakes. I’ve messed up too many things and I’m truly not enough and seemingly, never will be.

Although through the eyes of humanity, those things at times may be true, but I have been so struck by the truth that God’s grace is enough. It’s such a simple truth, yet it’s filled with complexities that go so far beyond my human understanding. My grace fails all the time. Sometimes, I don’t always have the capability of displaying true grace. Grace to forgive. Grace to understand. Grace to be compassionate. Grace to be patient. Grace to be kind.

To stand alone in these realizations can be really hard. In my human mind, it often times comes across as I’m not enough. The really beautiful thing about that is that it’s true. The only thing that makes that not completely contradictory, is that we can admit that we’re not enough, and in that grace, we can stop apologizing for who we are and where we are, and accept exactly where we’re at but without shame. We can admit the things we’ve messed up and done wrong, but we don’t have to live in the fear of being completely unworthy.  

I’ve spent several days and nights quietly by myself recently and in those times, I’ve had a lot of time to really appreciate that time alone. I don’t mean that I’ve always been blissfully happy in the peace of my own home, because truthfully, many of those moments have come with tears, with heartache and trying to just figure out how to exist by myself for the foreseeable future. But in the midst of all of that, it’s come with understanding.

Suddenly, letting go of “who I should be”  or “where I should be” doesn’t seem so scary. I may still be scared of a future unknown, but I’m starting to have the courage to lean into that fear and face it without the shame of being unworthy. Instead of putting on a brave face, learning to live authentically, exactly as I am.

I’ve had the feeling my life was “falling apart” a lot recently. The more I’ve prayed and the more I’ve asked for God’s grace over the understanding of my life I’ve started to see it more as a beautiful unraveling. Although my life may be “coming apart” it doesn’t mean it’s not intentional. I believe that sometimes God pulls on the strings of our lives. Not as puppets, but as creations. Sometimes you have to pull something apart to put it back together, only better.

I was angry for a long time about this. I felt like God pulled the strings of my life more like I was a marionette doll. I felt like all these things were happening in my life and I was just supposed to “move how God tells us to move.” It made no sense to me because how I felt didn’t match how I was supposed to act.

It took awhile, but I eventually saw that God wasn’t pulling the strings of my will, He was pulling the strings of my circumstance and my heart. He could see what was loose and snagging, where I couldn’t.  He wasn’t trying to control me, He was trying to secure me. Where I was unraveling, He wanted to put me back together, the right way. Sometimes in order to do that, it requires being isolated.You would never catch a single snag in a sea full of threads.

God had to get me alone to really hear His voice. My heart has been so tired and I’ve felt so isolated, but I’ve found more courage in those solitary moments than I have ever before, so I’m thankful.

It by NO stretch, means that it’s been an entirely enjoyable experience, but I am still finding joy in present moments. I’m still finding strength that I didn’t know I had. In everything I’ve felt like I lost and in all of the angry moments of feeling alone, God has never been absent. He has never not been visible in the fabric of my life. It’s just a matter of if I choose to see past my present emotion and trust that my future will make more sense.

When the comforts around you disappear, even ones that you’ve maybe even depended on for years, and you stand alone, your heart learns to take courage. Courage to let your past be your past. Courage to be vulnerable. Courage to lean into the hurts of your heart all the while, leaning into a God that is bigger than all of those hurts combined. Courage to willfully still choose joy.

Despite being afraid, I’ve found that God grants us the courage to be brave in imperfection. We can live a life completely unraveled, and still be a perfect a mess of threads. A mess of human emotion. The beauty is that when we see a mess, or even a disaster, Jesus sees a lifetime of untangling.

To live and to love so fiercely, with such a raw vulnerability, with so little guarantee of the life that we’ve always pictured, is the ultimate picture of Jesus to me.

“To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody but yourself – means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight- and never stop fighting.” – E.E. Cummings

Dancing Upon Disappointment

~ The Fragrance of my Mother ~ Leave a comment

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I’ve sat in the silence of my own home many times in the past 3 years of living in my little apartment. There have been silent moments of peace, silent moments of gratitude, silent moments of fear, silent moments of uncertainty and silent moments of doubt. Tonight I sat in the silence of sadness. The silence of disappointment. The silence of looking at a life I had wanted so badly and finally had to let go of.

I sat and I cried. I cried and I cried and I CRIED. As I gasped to regain my breath, amidst all the tears and the overwhelming pain swelling in my heart, I turned my eyes up. Tonight I came to the realization that just because you can’t always lift you heart, you can always lift your eyes. Life isn’t always “fair” and it certainly doesn’t always feel good. Sometimes it hits you so hard you feel like you can’t breathe.

In the midst of truly breaking down, I felt a sense of sincere hope. A hope that I haven’t felt in a long time.  A sense that even in the midst of my most genuine uncertainty, there was still a reason to sing. Even though it doesn’t always make sense in the present, the past has taught me that all things are made infinitely more clear in time. Although sometimes “hallelujah” is really hard in the moment, it’s still so necessary to worship, to be thankful.  

Heartache rarely comes with reason. It causes question. It causes a feeling of constantly walking on unstable ground. To me, that’s the beauty of real faith. The ability to walk blindly into the darkest of situations, and despite the anger and emotion of it all, trust that God is still God.

As I sat on my kitchen floor, tears streaming down my face and my heart feeling like it was shattering into pieces, the only words I could get out were, “You are still good. You are still sovereign. I choose you.” Although they were words filled with heartbreak, they were without anger. For me, that’s a step forward. It’s easy to blame God for things not going the way you had planned and for things looking undeniably different than you’d imagined.

When dreams seem to die and plans change, it’s so easy to become callused and closed off to the idea of an invisible God. Falling in love with a God that’s neither tangible nor visible is really hard. Tonight was the first night that I can honestly say, I leaned into the presence of an invisible God. I pulled on the strength of something I couldn’t see, but something I couldn’t deny.

Disappointment and pain are inevitable. Hurt certainly doesn’t discriminate and we all experience it in one way or another, at some point. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that God is never negligent. He may be out of sight, but He is never missing. We may distance ourselves in the face of human emotion, intention and discomfort, but He is never absent.

To me, the beauty of Jesus is truly reflected in the broken moments. It’s in the pain and the moments of truly surrendering our will, that our need for Him is magnified. Choosing Jesus doesn’t always feel good. It doesn’t always feel comfortable. Sometimes when the breath to praise is lost, the simple act of putting our arms out in surrender and choosing joy is enough. It’s all He’s asking for.

The beauty in believing blindly is knowing that the striving can finally cease. The worry and the uncertainty completely lose their power. I’ve learned that sometimes when we’re called to rejoice in sadness, we don’t always have the song, but He can still teach our feet to dance upon disappointment.

Slow Down, Little Girl.

~ The Fragrance of my Mother ~ 1 Comment

“Little girl, little girl, don’t grow up too fast. Before you know it, you’ll be wishing you could just go back. Don’t you know there’ll be plenty of time for that somewhere down the road? Yeah, it’s all gonna fly in the blink of an eye. You can’t slow down this thing called life. So take your time and let it last, Little girl don’t grow up too fast.”

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I feel like everyone has, at one point or another, had that one teacher in school that just wanted to make it a point to really hammer home the lesson of “taking your time and following the directions.” I mean, I know that’s a pretty basic discipline that I’m sure most teachers try their best to convey to their students, but I feel like there’s always that one, that takes it a step further to really make a point.

It was just a normal day in the seventh grade. I went to my history class like I did every day; completely unprepared and hoping that I could just skim the chapter that I was supposed to read the night before and bull***t my way through the rest class on the general gist of whatever I had read in the 10 minutes previous to when my class actually started. Not really a recipe for success, but my Jr. High self seemed to think it was a good idea at the time.

Suffice it to say that no one ever accused me of taking school too seriously. I got to my class, chatted with my friends before the bell rang and proceeded to take my assigned seat in the very front and center of the classroom, which I can only assume was a pretty intentional move on my teachers part. I was never a huge fan of history at the time, so this class didn’t really appeal to me in anyway.

Class started, I opened my book and almost immediately was off in my own head, failing to listen to anything my teacher was talking about. He wasn’t one to ever give a quiz or a test without warning, so when I when I saw him set a stapled packet of paper face down in front on me, I immediately panicked. To be honest, it wasn’t unusual for me to be unprepared for a test that I knew full well was happening. You’d think that panicked feeling that I got, (without fail, every single time) would have taught me to maybe just take the time to study the night before, but it never did.

As he continued to pass the tests out to the rest my class, STILL, instead of listening, I went straight from thinking about what I can only imagine was something to do with the particularly cute boy that sat directly behind me, to focusing on the fear of having to answer questions that I was certain I didn’t have any of the answers too. I finally tuned in just in time to hear my teacher emphasizing to “read the directions carefully.”

In true Emilee fashion, I did…not. I quickly flipped over my test, and proceeded to skip directly over the instructions and started in. The deeper I got into this test, I realized that something wasn’t adding up. Some of the questions were worded in a way that was far beyond the comprehension of a seventh grader, and some of them had nothing to do with history at all, and still, I was so focused on how to just get by, that I didn’t take a second to just stop and look up.

I kept my head down to at least appear like I knew what I was doing, even though that couldn’t have been further from the truth. I got more and more anxious thinking about having to have yet another, “So what happened?” conversion with my parents after receiving back what I could almost guarantee would be a failing grade based on the fact that I had only legitimately answered one question. TOTAL.

After a while, I started to hear a collective group of snickers coming from different parts of the classroom, and when I finally looked up to see what was going on, everyone except for me and a handful of people, were just sitting with their arms crossed.

Long story longer, unbeknownst to me (and also the particularly cute boy sitting directly behind me), the directions clearly stated that the test was just a joke and to simply put your pencil down and wait quietly. Seventh graders can only sit quietly for a short period of time, hence the snickering taking place around the room. Although it was a humorous (and slightly embarrassing) lesson, it was something that I never forgot. Little did I know how applicable it would still be almost 15 years later.

I’m not, and have never been someone who likes to live my day to day life at a rushed pace. I like to take my time, savor and enjoy moments and kind of just float from place to place. I am this way in almost every area of my life except in the area where I probably should be most. Whether it was wanting to be older than I was, taller than I was,  impulsively taking on things way before I was ready, I was always looking 10 steps ahead of where I actually was, because I had this notion that everything was better down the road.

As a little girl, I was always playing dress up with my moms clothes because I wanted to be just like her. I used to fight her constantly on wearing the clothes she would pick out for me. The practical, comfortable clothes that allowed me to run and play. I wanted to pick out my own clothes. I wanted to decide for myself what I was going to wear, and if I had it my way, it would have been a princess dress, high heels and my pink lipstick from my favorite starter makeup kit that my grandpa got me, every day.

Don’t get me wrong, she let me do it sometimes, but only when it was it was the right time for it. Playing at home or going to a tea party at a friends house, sure, but going to the grocery store, probably not. She knew that about 5 minutes in, I would be complaining that my dress was too itchy, that my crown wouldn’t stay on my head and my little plastic dress up heels would be too hard to walk in.

She knew that ahead of me, lied years of enduring pain due to walking around in heels all day. She knew that there would be plenty of hours way down the road, of complaining about dresses that are too uncomfortable. (5 year old me thought the biggest problem a girl could face with a dress was that it was too itchy or that it wasn’t sparkly enough. It would be years before I would come to understand the struggle of trying to breathe in a dress.)

I would get so angry with my mom when she would tell me no. I was too young and didn’t have the perspective to even remotely understand that she was right. This carried on through every stage of growing up. Whether it was wanting to wear makeup way before I was old enough, go on a roller coaster before I was tall enough, stay at home by myself before I was responsible enough, I was always in such a hurry to be anywhere other than I was. I wanted to rush through everything just so I could get back to doing whatever it was that I wanted to be doing.

Instead of studying, I would rush through my homework. Because I wasn’t putting in the work in the first place, I wasn’t actually retaining anything, so I would fail tests and I would end up having to work with my teachers over recess instead of being able to play with my friends. It took me a long time to realize I was making things so much harder on myself by not just slowing down, listening to direction and taking the time to do it the right way in the first place.  

Today, those are just distant memories. It seems like such a long time ago. What’s funny is that now, at 25, I may be older, but I still look in the mirror and see glimpses of that little girl in the princess dress. I see her in decisions I make now. Decisions that have led me to the very moment of writing this. This has been one of the more interesting phases of my life. I have friends that are the exact same age as me, that are married and starting families. I also have friends that are the exact same age as me, that are still struggling to figure it out. I find myself somewhere in the middle.

I wanted to grow up so quickly, so badly, that I rushed the process. I thought I cheated the system. I thought that I could sidestep some of the incredibly essential life lessons and I am finding more and more just how wrong I was. Just as much as that 5 year old who wanted to live in a princess dress was no match for my mom, this 25 year old who wants to live her own life is certainly no match for my God.

The thing about serving a God that is so wildly boundless, is that we have to acknowledge that without Him, we can’t be. There is truly no freedom in living life with no direction(s). We will never be anything even remotely close to what we can be, when we summit to the will of God.

Although I understand this and truly believe this with all of my heart, adhering to this is something I really struggle with. Waiting on God and trusting His timing is incredibly difficult for me, especially when I’m surrounded by people who have so many of the things that I want for myself. It’s easy to think that we can just go out and get whatever sounds good in that moment, and in a lot of ways, in our day in age, that’s true.

However what happens when what we’re seeking isn’t necessarily what’s good for us? When we take something that maybe wasn’t ours to have in the first place? When we think we’ve found the things that will finally bring satisfaction to the missing pieces of our hearts but really we’ve just created a life filled with things and people, and it’s still not enough. I use this example because as I was dealing with hurt and grief, I literally did this.

My heart was breaking and I began to fill my heart and my home with everything I could find. Before I knew it, I was surrounded with a life that had everything I could have ever wanted or needed and I still felt like something was missing. I started to feel like I was living an unfamiliar home; I knew it was mine but I didn’t recognize anything in it.

God never fails to get my attention. Lately, it’s been reminding me that that little girl is still in my heart. The difference between her and the girl standing here 20 years later, is that even though that little girl didn’t like being told no, she obeyed. She obeyed for no other reason than she didn’t know not being obedient was even an option. She trusted her mom because even though she made her mad, she couldn’t help but feel the undeniable love she had for her. She didn’t know how to hold onto anger so she was able to listen to what she was being told. She wasn’t always able to understand, but she listened.

It’s not often that you hear someone say that they aspire to be the child version of themselves, but in a lot ways I do. I was able to obey without fear. I was able to listen with an open heart. I hadn’t known what it was to truly worry, because my parents always kept me safe. Being an adult is really, freaking hard sometimes.

In all the moments I’ve prayed that God would change certain aspects of my life, and I’ve gotten angry and impatient when things remained the same or when I’ve prayed that God would just leave my life alone and He’s completely turned my world upside down, there’s always been a reason. Love. A completely reckless, completely unabashed and completely condition free love.

I was feeling pretty lost the other day and I asked God to simply remind me who I am. As I sat in the silence, there were no words, but He simply brought the picture of that little girl playing dress up to my mind. I saw the little girl who didn’t need validation from anyone to believe she was the most beautiful girl in the world. I saw the little girl who experienced such a pure joy to be exactly where she was. I saw the little girl that wasn’t afraid of what anyone thought because she didn’t understand judgement herself. I saw the little girl whose only expectation in life was to just be herself.

 I truly believe God calls us to have the faith of a child for a reason. It’s crazy how we become so disconnected from those pure, innocent little people we once were.

My prayer for this season is that God would remind not only me, but all the women struggling with finding their purpose and fulfillment that there is hope. There is always hope. I have felt like there has been a huge attack on the hearts of women lately. I know I personally have been struggling through a lot and I know I have felt alone for a lot of that.

That’s what Satan wants. He wants isolation and he want us to believe that we will never be enough despite our best efforts. He wants us to believe that we need to strive in order to be valued or deemed worthy. For my life personally, I have had enough. I am done feeling like I’m not good enough, like my life will never amount to anything, like my sins and my struggles define who I am.

I believe, with all of my heart, that God is going to raise up a generation of fiercely faithful and fiercely bold women. Women who like myself, have made countless mistakes, fallen short countless times, felt like we weren’t beautiful enough, smart enough, good enough, capable enough, worthy enough. I refuse to continue living under that lie and I just want all you ladies who are struggling with those very same things to know, I am praying.

I am praying that God brings freedom from the constant expectations. Freedom from the lies that some of us have believed for years. Freedom from the chains that sometimes we’ve built ourselves and therefore think we’re not deserving of being set free from. I am praying that God would remind each of us, everyday, who we are. That we wouldn’t be afraid to be women of God and children of faith all at the same time.

Thank you to all the women who have come along side me recently and encouraged me when I desperately needed it. My heart is that even if it’s for just one person, that I would be able to offer the same encouragement and grace to someone that was extended to me . You are not alone in this and God is still good!! ❤

 

When It All Falls Apart.

~ The Fragrance of my Mother ~ 1 Comment

sunshine-after-rainThere have been several moments in my life, especially in my adult life, where my faith, and every aspect of it, has truly been challenged. Through every moment, God has been so faithful. The thing about that though, is just because God is faithful, doesn’t mean things are going to be painless. You’d think I’d have learned this by now, but it’s something I’m still being reminded of. The past 3 or 4 years have been filled with some of the greatest joys and greatest heartbreaks of my life. I’ve experienced love, loss, joy, sadness, trust, anger and about a million other lessons and emotions. Sometimes, growing up is hard, but God is good, ALWAYS. I may not always be faithful, but He is faithful, ALWAYS. Something I’m also still having to remind myself of constantly.

God has brought me through a lot the last few years. I’ve struggled, I’ve learned, I’ve grown. (Not always in that order, but He eventually gets me exactly where He wants me.)  But what I’m finding is that just because you make it through one difficult season, it doesn’t mean there aren’t more to come, and possibly harder ones than the seasons you’ve already walked through.

Life has recently brought me to a place of complete and total uncertainty. A place of once again, having no answers. Every aspect of my life seems like it’s a question mark right now. Even God. I question what He’s doing. I question why He’s doing what He’s doing. I question why He allowed me to walk through the things He has. Why He’s allowed me to struggle so much with the things I’ve been struggling with. I’ve questioned His goodness. I’ve questioned His sovereignty.

2 years ago, I was in a very similar place. I was lost. I was stubborn. I was trying so desperately to just cling to something, anything that would give me some sort of a tangible sense of security, if only for a moment. I wrestled with anger and doubt. I called God and who He says He is into constant question. It took awhile, but He eventually brought me to a place of surrender. As much as I fought it, as much as I tried to place the blame of my circumstances on literally anyone and anything other than myself, He got me, and as soon as He did, life started to get better. It didn’t always feel like it and it was never a quick process, but looking back, I can see His hand on me the entire time.

This time around, in this season, it’s a little different. I started this blog after my entire world had already come crashing down around me. I’m writing this today from the moment just before that. That moment when the ground moved so violently under my feet that everything that I was holding so tightly to, was forced out of my grip. That moment when everything is up in the air, and as gravity brings it all back down, you either catch it or it all falls to the ground.

It’s been hard for me to not have the mindset that I’m in the exact same place as I was 2 years ago. That I may have grown in that moment, but I’ve backslid right to where I was and it was all for nothing. Unfortunately, in some ways it’s true that I’m in a very, frighteningly similar place, but in other ways, it’s completely different. This time, as I’m watching everything be thrown from my arms and out of my control and instead of doing whatever I can to reach out and grab onto whatever is still within arms reach, I’m stepping back and willingly let it all fall.

I thought the scariest place I’ve ever been in, was a place where God asked me if I’d be willing to give up the things that mean most to me in this world, to obey Him. The thought of letting go of the things that made me feel safe was terrifying to me and sometimes still is. Thinking about letting go of things I’d come to depend on and look to for comfort was truly not something I was interested in doing. God gave me plenty of opportunities to loosen my grip and to let go, but every time I got close, I would get scared and I would hold on tighter. Eventually, He got me to a place where as much as I wanted to, I just couldn’t hold on to it all anymore and I had no choice but let go. What I failed to realize was that the scary place isn’t being willing to give everything up, it’s being in a place where you’re not. A place where you convince yourself that you have control over your life and your future. A place where you truly believe that you can hold everything together all by yourself.

After that, I never thought I’d be in that place again, until now. Flash forward 2 years. This time though, I can recognize when God is trying to get ahold of my heart. Instead of fighting Him every step of the way, I am learning to be willing to turn my eyes to Him, put my arms down and let God catch and place in front of me only the things that He desires for me to have. That’s the beauty of Jesus. That’s the beauty of the reckless love of a Savior who knows far better than I do. I have been SO uncertain, SO confused, SO heartbroken and SO angry, again. I turned my back on Jesus, again. I heard Him calling my name over and over, and I still kept running away, again. And yet despite all of that, the minute I turned around and needed help, He came straight to my rescue.

Being obedient is definitely not always easy, especially in the midst of such uncertainty. Having to admit that that uncertainty came from a combination of things that were both out of and within your control is tough. Having to acknowledge that we don’t know best for ourselves and that sometimes that means walking everyday, in what seems like total darkness. The unknown is scary. The possibility that maybe the life we had dreamed of and created for ourselves isn’t necessarily the right thing, is even scarier. I’m constantly reminding myself that even though it doesn’t feel like it, and even if it seems impossible, that is the best place to be. To be in complete surrender.

This blog started out of desperation and longing for clarity. I wanted answers and I wanted reasons for things that still remain unexplained. Although it doesn’t feel like it, this blog continues out of the growth of my heart through God’s faithfulness. It’s really beautiful to look back at where my heart was, to see that the things that I was struggling with, and the person I was at the time were never out of God’s grasp or mercy. I’m able to step back and let the pieces of my life fall apart this time, and despite all the uncertainty surrounding me, know that He is going to let everything fall where it’s supposed to. In all of this, God has never failed to bring everything together and pull everything into one flawed but perfect picture.

Although I’m learning to completely trust God to support and fulfill me, I can’t ignore the fact that there is a huge part of all of this missing; my mom. I can’t help but wish she was able to walk beside me and help me through all of this. This blog began as a way to finish a legacy that she started, but it’s through this, that God has allowed me to heal, to surrender, to be accountable, to be honest, to be open and to experience the fullness of His grace in a way that I never have before. I can’t think of a better reflection of my mom and who she was than through that. Not only do I get to keep creating my own legacy through all of this, but God made it possible to breathe life into hers even after she’s gone.

To anyone who is struggling on a similar road, one you never wanted to be on in the first place, or never thought you’d be back on, please know you’re not alone. It sucks, it’s heartbreaking, at times it feels hopeless and it’s SO hard, but you are not alone. In all the questions and in all of the broken moments, the only thing I truly know is that God is ALWAYS good. God is ALWAYS sovereign. God’s grace is ALWAYS sufficient for us and even when it hurts, He is ALWAYS worthy of our praise.

“Awake my soul to sing with Your breath in me, I will worship. You taught my feet to dance upon disappointment. And I will worship.”

Through Waters Uncharted.

~ The Fragrance of my Mother ~ 1 Comment

through waters uncharted“Through waters uncharted my soul will embark, I’ll follow your voice straight into the dark. And if from the course You intend I depart, speak to the sails of my wandering heart.”

For the past few years, my Dad has been talking about chartering a boat, and taking our family on a “week long sailing excursion.” It’s important to note that neither my dad, nor any other member of my family has even a hint of sailing or boating experience, so naturally, the thought of this is absolutely terrifying to me. The thought of putting everyone I care about and love most into a boat, one in which none of us have any experience in doing and just hoping we somehow make it “somewhere” safely, seems like a really terrible idea. It raises so many practical questions that I think anyone would inevitably ask themselves… “Where are we going?” “What do we do and how do we do it?” “Will we make it somewhere or will we just float out to sea and get lost forever?” Shortly after these thoughts, and many more like them, go racing through my head, I immediately start envisioning myself in a Tom Hanks in Castaway type situation. All this to say that as much as I would love to have the same confidence my dad does for something he knows virtually nothing about, and have the faith to believe everything is going to be okay, I don’t. In fact, I am quite the opposite. I would love to have that fearlessness, but I tend to operate more within the confines of crippling fear most days.

I know this seems like more of a humorous anecdote than an actually meaningful thought, but all humor aside, that fear stops me from far more than a family sailing trip. That fear dictates much of what I do. It’s the same fear that was the reason I haven’t written in probably over a year. Reading back over everything from the past few years is bittersweet. I read those words and I am immediately taken back to that time and on one hand, I can see how much growth took place in the midst of everything that was changing in my life. I see Jesus in those pages and through those words. On the other hand, I can’t help but feeling a wave of sadness. The path I was on, the path of growing up and maturing; it doesn’t seem so clear anymore. Over the past 2 years, there’s been a lot of ups and downs. Fear seems to be the overwhelming theme as of lately, and it’s left a wake of destruction and isolation in it’s path. As terrible as this may sound, I used to find a bit of humor in the scene of Castway where Tom Hanks is trying to make his escape from the island and as he falls asleep, Wilson drifts off… not because I lack compassion, but because he’s yelling at a literal volleyball with a face on it. I watched that movie again last night, only this time it wasn’t so funny. I found myself relating to that very moment and my heart truly ached; the isolation, the desperate cry to hold onto the one thing that gave him reason to keep going and watching it slowly slip away, powerless to stop it, and the moment of complete and utter defeat before he was rescued.

I’ve had quite a few people reach out lately, asking me how I’m doing. To most all of you, I’ve said something along the lines of “I’m so great. Life is good.” I felt led to write this, not because I need sympathy from anyone, but because putting this out in the light, takes away its power. Being honest allows accountability and the more I’m willing to be open, I know the more freedom God will allow me to experience. I have a habit of trying to hide my weaknesses and play it off like everything is great. Without fail, God exposes my heart for where it truly is every time. Honestly, it sucks in the moment and it’s really hard to face your biggest insecurities and shortcomings head on, but I believe that’s the only way to find healing.

To all of you who have asked, the answer I should have given you is, life is hard right now. I have found that being in your twenties is one of the most tumultuous times, and I’m only halfway through them. For me, the biggest cause of this has been alcohol. I know this is something that people of all ages deal with, but there’s something about being in your twenties, that you feel almost an entitlement to drink as much as you want, and not have to answer for any of it, because you’re in you twenties, and it’s “just what everyone does.”  You hear things like this a lot, or at least I did, which could be due, in part, to the people I was surrounding myself with. What I failed to realize, is that its not actually what everyone does, and it does affect the people around you, especially when it gets out of hand like it did for me. I will be completely honest, I’m not writing this from a place of having learned my lesson or gotten past it, I’m writing this from step -5. I am in the heart of the monster that, for me, is alcohol.

The allure of drinking started when I was 21. I was in an incredibly vulnerable place in my life, and alcohol made me something I thought I couldn’t be on my own. It allowed me to be this confident, outspoken, beautiful, charming woman, when what I really felt like, was this shy, inadequate, purposeless, scared little girl. It started off great, or so I thought. It allowed me to live without consequence. When things were good, they were great, and if I drank too much, which happened way more than I ever cared to admit, I could get by with the excuse, “Oh well, I was drunk.” Far too many times did I use that as a reason to not be held accountable to things I said or did, and it became a lifestyle.

I read a book in which the author compared struggling with alcohol to an abusive relationship. Now when I first read that, it sounded like a bit of a stretch. To me, it’s apples and oranges, 2 completely different situations. But the more I read, the more I understood. I’m paraphrasing here, but she pointed out how at first it charms you, it draws you in and makes you feel warm and accepted. It gives you confidence and seems to squash any and all insecurities that you have. But the more you give into it’s power and allure, slowly it starts to break you down. Some people see the red flags right away, and are able to correct it and walk away. But for others, myself included, the more you try and walk away, the more appealing it becomes, and soon there after, it seems like it controls everything you do. You become isolated and dishonest, and before you know it, you don’t even recognize who you are anymore, yet somehow, you still feel like you can’t walk away; you need it.

Growing up, when I thought about who I would be at this point in my life, I never in a million years would have guessed that I would be battling with alcohol and consequently watching the relationships around me crumble, watching people that I love or have loved in the past consistently be hurt, friendships be torn apart, jobs be lost, attempts at school fall through, all because I let alcohol hold more value than the people I care about and the plans God has for me. It wasn’t until just recently that I finally hit a breaking point with all of this, and everything fell apart. God finally exposed the one thing I’ve been trying so desperately to hide and he brought it forth with the brightest light possible.

Having to finally be honest with my family, my best friends, and hardest of all, the love of my life, was the hardest moment of my life so far. Having to come clean about all the times I’ve lied about drinking, tried to cover it up, tried to diminish just how badly I was struggling with this for years now, and watching the hearts of everyone I shared this with break for me, broke my heart in a way that I didn’t know was possible. I finally came face to face with the hurt that’s been caused by this and finally saw just how deeply this affected everyone around me, and it was almost too much for me to handle.

For some of you that have known me, I’m sure this is coming as no shock to you. Some of you have even called me out on it, and I want you to know that even though I chose to ignore your words at the time, they weren’t lost on me. To others of you, this may be completely surprising. To share something so personal and something so private is nauseating beyond belief. I wish I could just snap my fingers and make it all go away. I wish with everything I have that I could take back every terrible drunken word or moment that’s caused hurt not only to myself, but to the people I care most about. In all my regret and all my fear of losing just about everything, I am reminded that God is still good. That no matter how far I’ve veered from the path He laid out for me, I was never, and am never out of his sight. I have a nasty habit of making things much harder for myself than they have to be, but I can’t help but feel like God knew exactly what He was allowing me to walk into the whole time. He had to allow me to lose myself so I could rediscover myself in Him. I’m not there yet, and I desperately wish I could say I was. What I do know is, and I firmly believe, is that even in my greatest weakness, God is made greater. That in my most sinful and shameful moments, He is still magnified.

For those of you who took the time to read all of this, I want to thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I truly believe God is going to bring good from all of this, some days more than others. I feel like I’m starting from square one again, which is sort of beautiful, because that’s where this all began. It began with me walking straight into the darkness of the unknown and doing my best to rely on His voice to carry me through. I’ve seen Him do it before and I wholeheartedly believe He will do it again. I believe that God desires so much more for us than to live in the shadows, to hide in the darkness in fear of judgement or shame. Thank you to everyone, past and present, who has come beside me and helped me start to move forward. I have no words to express how grateful I am for every one of you.

“Even when my strength is lost, I’ll praise you. Even when I have no song, I’ll praise you.
Even when it’s hard to find the words, louder then I’ll sing your praise. I will only sing your praise.”

Living on Purpose.

~ The Fragrance of my Mother ~ Leave a comment

beautiful 1

“Set your sights, sailing far beyond familiar
In the rising tide, you’ll find the rhythm of your heart
And lift your head, now the wind and waves don’t matter
What if the path you choose becomes a road
The ground you take becomes a home
The wind is high, but the pressure’s off
I’ll send the rain wherever we end up
Wherever we end up”

It’s crazy to me how quickly our lives can change, sometimes without us even knowing it. Whether it’s a change of heart or a change of circumstances, the futures we’ve dreamed of and the plans we’ve envisioned can change course, in what seems is only an instant.

I’ve spoken about it many times before and I’m sure I will be speaking the same words for the rest of my life but every day I become increasingly more aware of God’s sovereignty and the fact that He is so faithful. Faithful and sovereign: Those terms have really come to have a whole new meaning in my life over these past months. The idea of God’s sovereignty was something that I believed as long as everything was still within my control. As long as everything turned out the way I wanted and it looked the way I pictured, then clearly I was seeing God’s faithfulness in my life. (Which I now realize is completely the opposite of what that actually is). I totally and completely limited God in almost every part of my life, and in turn, ended up restricting my future to a very simple and very limited vision. I truly thought I was trusting God and I thought I was allowing Him to guide me and lead me, but my control and my unwillingness to surrender ran incredibly deep.

Since I can remember, I have always had somewhat of a restless heart. I haven’t quite figured out if that’s a good or a bad thing, and in some ways I think it can be both. The challenge for me is deciphering between the two. There have been times where I felt restless because I felt God pushing me to move when I was standing still. Other times, I’ve felt restless because I was lacking contentment. It’s hard to feel content when you feel like you have no direction and when you feel like you’re wandering aimlessly, it’s hard to feel like you have a purpose.

Trusting God with my restless heart and my future has been much more challenging than I ever thought, but I’m starting to see the reward is also so much greater than I could have ever imagined. As a single, 24 year old who is still figuring her life out, it can be incredibly easy for your heart to become anxious. There are so many pressures that come with this phase of life; and in turn that pressure can cause you to feel like you should be somewhere that you’re just not yet.

This is the time in most people’s lives where they are graduating college, starting careers, getting married and starting families. Those are all wonderful things and honestly, some that I hope to find for my own life someday, but what happens when God takes YOUR life and completely moves you to something off the beaten path?  To a place that may seem incredibly isolating and so different from what everyone else is doing? It causes you to question. It can absolutely cause doubt and a feeling of “missing out”. It can make you feel inadequate and ashamed. It’s easy to get caught up in seeking a career, a spouse, money, or whatever else, because thats what you’re SUPPOSED to do at this point. Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying that those things are bad by any means, but without Jesus leading us to those things, we could be blind to what God has in store.

Over this past year, I have had so many moments where I have felt “singled out” by God. It wasn’t until recently that he changed my perspective when I’ve thought about that. So many times I would look at my situation and, as much as I hate to admit it, it was from a place of feeling sorry for myself. I felt like God was just taking from me a life that he had laid out in front of me. I had never experienced an anger and a bitterness of that caliber before, which was a direct result of the way I was choosing to look at everything. I started challenging myself to everyday, even in the worst of circumstances, find at least one thing I was thankful for. As I started doing this consistently, I found that list becoming longer and longer and the focus shifted from what I had lost to what God had blessed me with and what He was doing in my life. It wasn’t until recently that I have become SO thankful that God singled me out. Only this time, I don’t see that as a bad thing.

My prayer for years has been that God would have His way in my life, and I never let go enough to actually let that happen. (I have a tendency to be my own biggest hindrance.) Recently, God has put me on a road that I not only don’t understand but I never would have chosen for myself. I’m starting to find that future I had envisioned for myself looks nothing like the one God seems to be shaping for me, but I have never trusted anything more. I have never experienced such a genuine peace about something so unfamiliar.

I look back to where I was a year ago, and I wouldn’t have believed you if you would have told me I’d be where I am right now. I was happily engaged to a WONDERFUL man who I loved so deeply, I had friends that I thought were lifelong and I was focused on striving toward a career and a future that I had always pictured. As many of you know, every single one of those doors closed. Every. Single. One.

From where I stand now, I am so thankful. I am thankful God took me through heartache that at times, seemed unbearable. It refined me.  I am thankful that I had the friendships I did, even just for a time. They strengthened me. I’m thankful for the 5 years I got to spend with an incredible man. I learned more from him, more about myself and how truly selfish I can be, more about love, forgiveness and grace from that experience than all of the other things put together. Most importantly, I’m thankful for God and who He is. I am thankful that I serve a Sovereign and limitless God! A God who knows far better than I do and is willing to destroy my plans for His good and the good of those who love Him. A God who is gracious enough to walk with me through some of the darkest moments of my life and still call me His.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes along the way and some that I still struggle with today, but I am learning that just as much as God’s plan knows no bounds, neither does His grace. I truly believe He uses every situation, every mistake and every victory for His good if you allow Him. It still amazes me how much He can change a heart, even as sinful and rebellious as mine can be, and bring forth desires that are so beautiful and so pure.

So to all of you who feel “singled out” by God, who feel isolated and maybe even abandoned, let me be a testament to how truly faithful Jesus is. It’s OKAY if you’re not where everyone else is. It’s okay to dream of a future that looks nothing like that of everyone around you. It’s OKAY to be single and its OKAY to not have everything figured out. There are still so many things that I don’t know about my future, but I promise you, if you truly ask for the wildly boundless God to ruin your plans and shatter your realities and make them His own, He will be immeasurably faithful to do so. That’s a really scary prayer sometimes, because He will have His way if you let Him, and it may look nothing like you thought, but at least from my experience so far, the reward is so much sweeter.

“Not my will, but yours be done. Not my strength, but yours alone. Nothing else, but You Oh Lord.
I find everything in You.”

When Sorrow Becomes Song.

~ The Fragrance of my Mother ~ Leave a comment

“You are going to come across people in your life who will inspire you, love you and change you. And that is a rare thing, but every once in a while you will come across someone who will completely rob you from your sleep and those are the people who are just too beautiful to put into words.”

 

Writing over these past couple months has been so healing for me. It’s allowed me to be open in a way that I’ve never known how to be, and it has grown me in ways that I can’t even explain. Just being open to simply facing everything you feel, both good and bad, has proved to be a much more complicated process than I thought, but as I’ve allowed myself to become more transparent, I’ve been able to work through so much more than I ever imagined. At times it’s been messy and confusing. Other times it’s been dark and discouraging and sometimes, it’s just been unbearably heartbreaking. The past few years have tested and tried me and in so many ways, I felt like I was just falling on my face with every step I took. (My life there for a while, bared a striking resemblance to the opening scene of Bridget Jones’s Diary. I would love to say I’ve never spent a Friday night in, drinking wine and eating Chinese food, binge watching Frasier and belting Celine Dion at the top of my lungs, but my neighbors can attest to the fact that it’s happened on more than one occasion. If I’m being honest, it was a pretty frequent occurrence; but who’s counting?) However, I stand here, however many months later, a stronger woman. Not a perfect woman by any means, but a woman who stopped living in fear and letting my circumstances dictate who I was going to be and what I was going to make of myself. I had the best example of this for 23 years, and that was the example of my Mom.

I can’t believe it’s just a week shy of being a year since she left this earth. I love to write, but more than anything, I love to write about things that inspire me. My mom inspired me more than anything or anyone that I’ve ever come in contact with. I’ve written about my mom through oceans of tears, through anger, through doubt and questioning and it’s almost been like she’s been walking with me through it all. In honor of her true birthday, the day that she went home to be with Jesus, I find myself writing this from a place of pure joy; a place of knowing so assuredly that she is TRULY alive and experiencing the fullness of God’s love and glory. When I really stop and think about that, it gives me chills because I never expected to feel such a joyfulness and gladness when writing about something so hard.  It’s really easy to focus on our selves when something major happens and when our world is rocked, it’s almost natural to focus on what’s lost. Over the past year, I’ve really learned how to change my perspective. I was looking at what I had lost and not seeing what my mom had gained. Although I would selfishly give anything to have just one more day with her, or hear her voice again, I know she is experiencing a life that I can’t even begin to fathom and therein lies my joy. That brings me comfort and it brings me a peace that stills my heart to almost complete abandon. It’s crazy that even though she’s not here with me anymore, I feel like she is still helping me grow in my faith. I think that’s just a testament to the faith she had and the woman she was.

My mom was beautiful. She was kind and she was selfless. She was beautifully flawed. She was truly clothed in grace and dignity. She was a warrior; faithful and courageous. She had a joy that only comes from the love of Jesus and her worth came from who she was in Him. I could not have asked for a better example of beauty. She loved fiercely and she loved deeply. She took the time to actually know people and understand them. She could make anyone feel welcomed and accepted, regardless of who you were or what you were going through.

My mom and I by no means had a perfect relationship. I was (and in a lot of ways still am) a handful but my mom never made me feel unloved. Don’t get me wrong, she wasn’t afraid to put me in my place, which I often needed, but she was patient and she always wanted the best for me and everyone around her. I am so thankful for the woman she was. I learned so much from her over the years. I learned what it means to be truly faithful. She showed me what it means to be strong. I learned strength isn’t looking like you have it all together or not allowing yourself to be affected by things, it’s being honest and vulnerable about how those things affect you. It’s being able to admit your weakness and face that head on. It’s about not letting fear control you. My mom always said she felt like fear stopped her from so many things. But what I saw was so much different. She faced her illness with an unrelenting courage and I am so grateful to have witnessed her walk such a difficult road. She was gracious and not once did I ever hear her complain. She had so much she could have been angry about, and I don’t know what she battled internally, but she was always thankful. She owed everything she had to Jesus and she did so unashamedly.

My sweet Momma, I have struggled through losing you and I know this road isn’t over, but today I am thankful. This week I have been joyful. Thank you for instilling in me a love for the Lord and a desire to lean on Him even when I don’t know how. Thank you for raising 3 amazing people that I can count on and confide in. Thank you for loving Jesus the way you did; so wildly and so freely. Thank you for being the greatest example of how God’s grace can transform and change you. Thank you for teaching me what it means to let go. That’s been a hard thing for me to practice, but I’m still learning and I’m surrendering more and more every day. Thank you for believing in me even when I didn’t believe in myself. You were truly an incredible woman and I owe so much of who I am right now to who you were. Thank you for always feeding my sense of adventure and encouraging my independence. I don’t know what my future holds, but for the first time in a long time, I feel so excited about it. Thank you for showing me what it means to “fight the good fight.”  I could go on for pages and hours about everything I love about you and miss so much, but I am going to leave it at thank you today. Thank you for who you were and although I miss you more than words can express, I am thankful you are where you belong.  Thank you for leaving me a legacy to hold onto on those days that feel hopeless. You were an extraordinary person and I am proud to call myself your daughter. I love you!

“Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything beautiful, for beauty is God’s handwriting.”- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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