“He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.” Psalm 40:2
Anyone with a Facebook is now well aware that I was just in Idaho, because for the past 4 days, I probably blew up your newsfeed with a slew of pictures…. So sorry! First off, it was one of the most amazing trips I’ve taken yet. I was there to visit my very dear friend Jozi and her husband Kyle. We spent the weekend camping ( in a yurt which was super cool) , hiking multiple trails, visiting hot springs, climbing sand dunes and just enjoying the beautiful Idaho mountains. As most of you know, the mountains are my favorite place in the entire world. They just exude majesty and wonderment in a way that nothing else does (at least in my opinion). I don’t know how someone can spend time surrounded by such beauty and not see Jesus. His spirit and his nature is undeniably present and you can’t help but feel like you’re just that much closer to heaven.

This trip this weekend could not have come at a better time for me. This past year has brought some really challenging circumstances and it’s brought out some of the best and worst characteristics in me. It changes from day to day and month to month, but I think I’ve faced every emotion possible at this point. This past month in particular though has been the darkest one yet. I don’t think my heart has ever been so hardened and I don’t know that I have ever felt so far away from Jesus and from myself. There were 2 really hard truths to face in that. 1. It wasn’t because Jesus abandoned me, it was because I turned my back on Him and walked away to do my own thing. And 2. I was deliberately allowing myself to live in darkness and sin. I felt like I was spiraling downward and I eventually got to the point where I just didn’t care. When it comes to my faith, I found that complacency is one of the scariest places to end up in. When you feel like you have nothing to lose, the people and things you care about and the way you see yourself loses value. That’s a very dangerous place to get to.

Long story short(ish), I fell into a pit that was too dark and too steep for me to get out of myself. I’ve said it before, but I’m not someone who likes to open up and talk about the things I struggle with. I tend to have the toxic combination of pride and shame when it comes to my sin. The two together completely hinder transparency, and transparency and honesty are the only things that lead to freedom and healing. The people that know me really well could see that I was really struggling, but I was too prideful and too ashamed to do anything about it, and in a lot of ways I didn’t even know what to do.

The night before I left for Idaho, I hit a breaking point. My best friend was in from out of town and I just broke down. I was finally able to be honest about what I was struggling with and where I truly was at spiritually; not where I wanted people to think I was. Being able to be completely open with her was so freeing but also incredibly unnerving because I realized just how selfishly I’ve been living. I in no way felt like myself and I once again, felt incredibly lost. (Like I said, it’s been very up and down. I’m finding that just part of life though.)

I got on the plane the next day discouraged and broken. I was ashamed of the person I’ve been lately and I felt like I was beyond the grace of God. For lack of a better phrase, I desperately needed a reason to sing. I finally made it to Boise and the second I saw my friend Jozi I felt encouraged. Side Note: Just a little bit about her… She and I met through a mutual friend and we have only known each other for about a year now. We’ve taken a few trips together and she is just one of those special people that you can talk to for about 5 minutes and feel like you’ve known for 5 years. God has given her such a graciousness and a transparency that I have seen only in maybe a handful of people. She is one of the best examples of a truly and genuinely godly woman and she has a wisdom that I strive to have someday. All that to say, you can spend about 2 seconds with her and your heart just feels encouraged. It was when we finally got up in the mountains to where we were camping that something in me just lifted. There wasn’t this grandiose moment, it was just a moment where I looked around and couldn’t deny God’s sovereignty and all that He is. I remembered, and more importantly, acknowledged who God is and who I am in Him. It was as simple as saying “God I’m so sorry and I am yours.”

I write this because I want to be a reminder that first off, no matter what your circumstances and what you’re walking through, you have a choice in how you respond. Sometimes it hurts and sometimes it’s unbearably hard, but you always have a choice. Unfortunately, it’s in my nature to have to learn the difficult way and more times than not, I choose to chase after what feels good instead of what is good for me. With that being said, there is always grace. Grace that can surpass any sin and any shame. I’m not at all trying to preach at anyone, I am just speaking from my experience and that is, that sin is inevitable but God is SO good. One of my favorite songs is Brokenness Aside by All Sons & Daughters (If you haven’t heard it, check it out. It’s amazing!) The whole song speaks to the fact that we are all sinful by nature. No matter what the sin, we are all a broken people, but God can take even your darkest and deepest sin and make it beautiful. I’m sure that sounds pretty cliché and pretty basic but I can attest to the fact that that is something I never want to take for granted again. It is a powerful truth that I desperately needed to be reminded of and this weekend, God opened my eyes to that again.

As a believer, I’ve had my many moments of wandering and doubting, but this past month it was to a whole new degree. I was so overcome by fear and shame and hated the person I allowed myself to become. I am by no means saying that after this weekend I’m perfect and have it all figured out, cause I still (since post #1) have almost nothing figured out. I’m finding that everything I walk through, good and bad, I’m learning and I’m growing. This one was a hard lesson to learn though. Having to admit my many mistakes and having to shake myself and not use my circumstances/losses  as a justification to do whatever I want was hard, because that put the responsibility of those decisions and my attitude on me and me alone. Laying those at the foot of the cross is not always easy, but when I did, I was reminded of just how merciful God is and I felt His love and His presence in a way that I haven’t in long time.

After a weekend of wonderful fellowship with an amazing friend surrounded by beauty everywhere we looked, I feel like I have a reason to sing again. I feel like I found my worth again and my heart feels restored. To anyone who is in a similar place of feeling unworthy and ashamed, whatever the reason being for that, you are worth so much more. I know it’s so hard and sometimes nearly impossible to see when you’re in such a dark spot, and that’s okay, but God desires so much for you and his Grace is sufficient for you. If nothing else, I want to use this to be as transparent and honest; One, for my own growth and also so that anyone who is in the same boat knows that you’re not alone. There is hope! I am so thankful to serve a God that is gracious enough to rescue me over and over again. It’s not the first time I’ve gotten caught up in my sin and it certainly won’t be the last. My only prayer and hope is that those times are fewer and farther between the more I grow and allow him to lead me.

Again, to everyone who has walked by me and encouraged me though all of this, Thank you! From the bottom of my heart. Thank you for holding me accountable and helping get back on solid ground. To those of you who have prayed and listened, please know that I am so grateful and can’t express how thankful I am for every one of you!

Grieving is such a unique experience. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever felt. It’s not a solitary emotion and it’s not exclusive to any one situation or individual. It comes in waves and it rarely makes sense. There’s no time limit as to how long grief lasts and in a way, I think it can be lifelong. Loss is complex and the fortitude it takes to face that every day is sometimes beyond what I think I’m capable of. There have been so many days where I wanted to just curl up in a ball and cry until no more tears were left, and there have been days where I’ve done it. Sometimes I question my strength; I question the promise of God never giving us more than we can handle. I question His Sovereignty and I question why He does what He does. It’s easy to want to give up in the face of heartbreak.

I made it through a few of the hardest days I’ve faced yet. I was truly dreading this past weekend for a few different reasons, but the biggest reason being Mother’s Day. How was I supposed to face that day when my mom isn’t here to celebrate? In thinking that thought over and over again, it occurred to me that if my mom could face her sickness the way she did EVERY day for almost 3 years, surely I could make it through a tough weekend. All that to say, my Mother’s strength made her a warrior. I have never seen someone walk through so much fire with so much grace. She taught me more about perseverance and finding joy in sadness that I can’t help but still feel that joy even now that she’s gone. With her birthday coming up this week, she deserves to be celebrated. I used to write my mom a letter every year on her birthday, so Momma, this is for you!

 

Momma, there are so many things that I want to tell you! First of all, I miss you more than I can even begin to express. I listened to a voicemail Tracy had saved on her phone and heard your voice for the first time since you’ve been gone and to no one’s surprise, I started sobbing like a child in the middle of Hector’s (And yes, I did have a margarita in your honor). Even with an embarrassing amount of publicly ugly-crying, it was worth it because I got to hear your voice again. I miss that more than you know. I’ve started traveling… A LOT. You always encouraged me to do it and now I’m finally doing it! I haven’t even come close to seeing everything I told you I want to see, but it’s a start. The mountains by far are my favorite, as you know. There’s something even more special about them now though. I told you so many times that when I’m hiking in the mountains, it makes me feel closer to heaven and now, it makes me feel closer to you too. Everywhere I look, I am in awe of the beauty of God’s creation, so I can’t even imagine what you’re seeing!

I have my own apartment now. I think you would love it! There are big beautiful trees all around and I have flowers everywhere which makes me think of you! Added bonus… It has a wood burning fire place. (Dad had to show me how it works but its fine and I haven’t burnt the place down yet so I think I’m doing alright!) However, you were totally right that being on your own is crazy expensive… but it’s worth it! You would be very proud, I’ve managed to keep the carpet stains to a minimum and with the exception of catching a mouse (due to me leaving a trash bag on my balcony… lesson learned.) I’m actually doing pretty well at this whole “on my own, single, 23 year old” thing! Thank you for always encouraging my fierce independence. It’s serving me very well, just like you said it would. You always made me feel confident and sure of myself… even when I maybe shouldn’t have been (i.e. my basketball career or the bangs phase of 1996-2001, which lasted entirely too long). But you always made me feel like I could do anything. You were my biggest cheerleader and I cannot thank you enough for the love and encouragement you showed me every day.

I played the piano for the first time in months the other day! Honestly, I haven’t been able to because every time I would sit down to play, I would picture you sitting next to me like you used to, and it was just too hard. But you’ll be happy to know that I finally started playing again, and I played for hours! I’m sure it sounds a little crazy, but I can still feel your presence when I’m playing. It’s like your right there with me and I cherish all those times you would just sit with my while I played!

I hear you in so much and I see you in everything; but more than anything, you left me with three of the greatest reminders of who you were, my siblings. Aside from the Lord, they are the reason I’m still standing! You have no idea how comforting it is to know when I am desperately missing you, I can look at each of them and see you!

I see your kindness in Brett! He calls and checks on me all the time and he’s always the first one to notice when I’m not okay. We still have lunch about once a week and he’s always there to listen, even when I ramble on about ridiculous things… His patience has greatly improved, by the way, because we all know my babbling capabilities are infinite! He also has your strong desire to keep our family close! He takes care of us all the way you did and he has grown into a man that I can only hope to find myself someday!

I see your enthusiasm and pure joy for living life in Andrew! Your passion for life was electric, and Andrew has that same quality about him! You can’t help but laugh when you’re around him and he brings me so much joy, just in the way that you used to! I also see your selflessness in him! He took on so much responsibility after you were gone and took a huge weight off of all of our shoulders. He also may or may not have taken on your endearingly frazzled self!

Lastly, I see your strength in Becki! Mom, you would be so proud of her! I have watched her grow up more in the last 10 months that I have in her entire life. She has fought through some extremely hard days and she’s done it with more grace and more kindness than I can even believe. She has your heart for the Lord and she is sometimes more of a big sister to me, than I am to her! She has wisdom that is so far beyond her years and I am so excited to see what God has planned for her!

You were an amazing mom! Even though I only got you with me for 23 years, you showed me enough love to last me a lifetime! I miss your hugs, and I miss curling up on the couch with you even as a grown adult! I miss how I could call you at 3 in the morning and you would stay up and talk with me for as long as I needed. I miss how you would never fail to forget your coffee in the microwave or burn basically every baked good imaginable. I miss how excited you would get over the simplest things… Inherently I get that from you.  I miss our spontaneous lunches and coffee dates. Most of all, I miss your laugh. It could brighten anyone’s day and never failed to make me feel better. I probably didn’t say it enough, but you were the most beautiful person I’ve ever known. You were dealt some really tough cards over the years, and so many times you got less than what you deserved. I never heard you complain and you never failed to be thankful! So in those moments when I question why God took you so soon, I’m reminded that you are now in a place that you deserve. You deserve to be free of pain. You deserve to sing and dance for all eternity. You deserve to be with your true love, Jesus. And you deserve all the unfathomable beauty heaven has to offer. Thank you for being the woman you were! Thank you for loving me the way you did and thank you for raising 3 amazing people that I get the privilege of calling my family! I’m just starting to figure this whole adult thing out. Sometimes I do really well, and other times I feel like I’m failing constantly. You set such an amazing example that I know I’m going to be okay either way! I love you so much! I desperately wish you were still here, but thank you for leaving a legacy that has given me more courage and more strength to still find joy even in such immense loss. Happy Birthday, Momma.

  You don’t have to know me well to know that I am head over heels in love with the outdoors. You can look at almost any picture, talk to me for about 5 seconds, or pretty much assume by how I…

Source: Pluviophile.

 

You don’t have to know me well to know that I am head over heels in love with the outdoors. You can look at almost any picture, talk to me for about 5 seconds, or pretty much assume by how I’m dressed most times, that I LOVE the outdoors. Nothing brings me greater joy than being outside and being completely consumed by nature and all of its elements. Those of you who know me a little better, probably know that there are two things in nature that just take my breath away. Those two things are the rain and the wind. I love them for many of the same reasons and they never cease to amaze me. Much like the wind, rain has a ferocity all of its own. It can be powerful and almost majestic; it can instill just a little bit of fear into your heart but at the same time, it can also be calm and overwhelmingly peaceful. The balance between the two, and how it can shift, in no time at all, from pouring down and flooding the streets to almost complete silence and stillness, to me, is beautiful. I think it reflects the very nature of God and who He is. HE is powerful. HE is magnificent and HE is beautiful. His love is a fury all of its own and nothing can compare to it. The joy that comes through HIM is breathtaking and mysterious. It’s something that you just can’t get enough of. It can shift from a powerful force to a gentle voice in seconds. It brings new life and it restores. It heals and it takes what was once dead and withering away and makes it stronger than before.

With all of my windows open from the night before, I woke up this morning to the sound of rain falling. It was a heavier rain, but it was peaceful. I laid there as long as I possibly could and just enjoyed the smell of the fresh rain and the sound of it falling outside my window. I enjoyed the stillness of and the simplicity of just taking in one of the first rains of the spring before I had to rush off to class and could no longer just lye there and be still. As I went to leave my apartment, I came across a picture. A picture that would have normally brought me joy and made me think fondly of the memories that it reflected. It was taken on a rainy day in the mountains and it was absolutely gorgeous. But as I looked at this picture today, it brought a rush of sadness and hurt. Looking at this picture, I didn’t see the amazing experience and wonderful memory, but I saw loss. I saw friends that I feel like I hardly know anymore, a love that didn’t work out and ran its course, myself who looked almost euphoric, and an amazing experience that I may never get to share with these people who were once like my family, again. Even as I’m writing, I can feel myself holding back tears and I can feel my heart aching and longing for that again. I finally walked away and as I climbed down three flights of stairs to get down to my car, with every step, sadness was turning into anger. As soon as I got to the bottom, I stood at the door to my apartment building and watched as the rain began to fall harder. Angrily, I zipped up my raincoat and prepared to run out to my car to avoid getting drenched and having to sit through an afternoon of classes sopping wet. As I flung the door open and started quickly jogging to my car, I felt my feet slow down and I came to a complete stop right in the middle of the sidewalk. Before I knew it, I was just standing there, completely soaked and completely okay with it (Thank the Lord for waterproof backpacks.) As I closed my eyes and extended my arms, I felt the water just pouring over me. I can’t explain it, but the joy I felt in that moment, was one I haven’t experienced probably since that picture was taken. In a matter of seconds, I felt all of that pent up anger and frustration; every ounce of bitterness and hurt washing away. I’m sure I looked like an insane person, but as I continued to stand in the pouring rain, I couldn’t help but smile and be filled with joy and thankfulness. In that moment, I experienced both a powerful and gentle God. The powerful God who can bring enough rain to restore every leaf on every tree, and a gentle God who can bring restoration to my heart, which it so desperately needed. This past month or so has been a struggle of anger and bitterness. I have walked through a season of holding on to hurt and still not relenting control. I last talked about letting go, and honestly it’s a day-by-day practice for me. Some days I do really well, but lately it’s been more of a struggle. I allowed the sadness in my heart to become anger. I allowed my heart to become callused and I fell into a pit of selfishness and resentment.

Today was a blessing that I don’t know if I even have the words to describe. I know it sounds so simple and probably a little bit dramatic, but I needed today. I needed to be reminded of who God is and what my purpose is here on this earth. I decided to write about this today because writing so openly has become one of the most beneficial ways for me to reflect and process. There’s a part of me that feels a little bit silly for getting all of this from rain, but I’m not going to question God’s methods of getting my attention; at this point I know better. I can truly say that I write this from a place of a renewed heart and mind. I was reminded of something that unfortunately I forget far too often, “it’s not about me”. I’m not on this earth to seek happiness, I’m here to seek Jesus and I’m here to serve. In all of this, I have neglected be mindful of that lately. I have been more focused on what I’ve “lost” and what is hurting me, than focusing on what is going on around me. I allowed myself to become blind to the fact that there are people around me who are hurting and need kindness. I didn’t take the time to thank God for all the wonderful things and people that I do have in my life. I didn’t acknowledge that His plan is perfect and choose to trust that.

This past year has been a lot of questioning; questioning what my purpose is and questioning who I am. I’ve been trying to figure out what role I’m going to play in this life and questioning will I accept that role He has asked of me, even when it’s not the one I wanted? I’ve said it before and I still stand by the fact that I know next to nothing. I don’t have many answers and I still don’t have anything figured out. But what I do know is I can’t begin to figure that out if my heart isn’t open to it. I know that the anger I was allowing to keep festering inside of me will only hinder me in moving forward. Today I was able to make a step in the direction of grace. I was able to take the hardest step in my opinion, and let down my pride enough to see that I wasn’t the one who was being wronged, I was the one who was in the wrong. I was the one who was being bitter and selfish and I was the one who wasn’t being even a little bit gracious.

There are moments when I am in awe of the love of God and how he works. Today was one of those moments. It shouldn’t considering God knows my needs better than I ever could, but I am always amazed at how he knows exactly what I need, when I need it. So to anyone who is walking through a similar season, there is hope and there is so much to be thankful for! Even if it doesn’t feel like it, which I totally get, God is still there and He will still show you who who He is. It may not come in the form of getting soaked in the pouring rain, but know that God is so good and so gracious even in your worst moments and you are worth so much more than carrying the burden of anger! To those of you who continue to pray for me and listen and encourage me, please know how incredibly grateful I am for you all and thank you for the overwhelming support!

“Rain is grace; rain is the sky descending to the earth; without rain, there would be no life.”- John Updike

 

 

“Oh the peace that comes when I’m broken and undone; By Your unfailing grace I can lift my voice and say, You can have it all, Lord; Every part of my world. Take this life and breathe on this heart that is now Yours.” – “Have It All”, Bethel Worship.

 

Learning the discipline of surrender has been by far one of the most challenging, yet one of the most insightful and growing experiences I’ve ever had to walk through. This past year brought loss, change and challenges that I never thought I would have been prepared to face, and in a lot of ways I wasn’t. Letting go seems like it should be an easy process. When change happens, it’s easy to think we should just be able to move on. Ideally, moving forward should be a natural occurrence; a painless and smooth transition into the next chapter of our lives. Unfortunately, we don’t live in a perfect world, so accepting change and learning to live with that usually comes with some bumps and bruises along the way. As with anything that brings refinement and maturation, growing pains are almost always present. For me, this began with learning to simply be still and listen. This discipline proved to be easier said than done, but in doing that, I learned in order to truly move forward, it takes complete surrender. To live with reckless abandonment has been something I’ve prayed over my life for years, but when it came down to it, it was something I never really knew how to do. My security came from my own control. My peace came from things going as planned and working out the way I had hoped. My worth came from the validation of people, and most times the poor choices I made were a direct reflection of just how unworthy I thought I was. My happiness and my joy came from the future I had planned for myself unfolding before me. I operated so much on fear; whether it was staying when I shouldn’t have, or running away from something God put in front of me, it was all done on the basis of what I wanted to do. I was always a girl of good intention, a girl who wanted to trust God wholeheartedly but never truly did. I was a girl who prayed that God would make my life His, yet still relied on my own efforts to make things happen and feel safe. I desperately wanted to have a relationship with God that was so deep and so dependent on Him that no matter what was going on in my life, I would remain steadfast and faithful. Over the past year, Jesus started to gently speak to me and create stirrings in my heart that I didn’t (and to some degree still don’t) fully understand. I felt his guidance, and as much as I wanted to listen, I was too scared and too stubborn to be obedient. Eventually, and all at once it seemed, Jesus came in and flipped my world upside down. Some of the strongest support systems that I had relied so heavily on, were suddenly gone. He brought me to a place of what seemed like complete isolation. To a place where I was desperate to seek Him and find Him. My heart has never ached so badly so consistently. That was the first time I saw how broken I truly was and how much I put my faith and my comfort in everything and everyone around me. When those things were gone, I felt like my world was falling apart around me and there was nothing I could do to change that. Obedience isn’t always easy and learning to be obedient in the midst of heartache can be even more challenging. It’s easy to just want to give up and run away from everything that is hurting you. There are still days when I wake up feeling that way, but I’m finding the most pure contentment comes in those moments. Those moments when you so badly want to be somewhere else and want things to be different and even then, still manage to praise Jesus right where you’re at. My best friend can attest to the fact that on almost a daily basis, I will say something along the lines of, “I’m just so tired of being sad. My heart just hurts.” The more those words came out of my mouth, the more I realized I was holding onto that hurt. I was dwelling on what could have been, instead of thanking Jesus for what is to come.

To anyone who knows me, you know that I don’t open up easily, if at all. The thought of putting something so personal in such a public forum is enough to make me write this with a bottle of Pepto Bismol sitting next to me. But, with that being said, I am writing this from a place of starting fresh and challenging myself to be completely transparent. I think in order to truly surrender yourself it starts with being open to being honest about where you’re at, and that’s something I’m just starting to learn how to do. I don’t at all write this from a place of having everything figured out because the truth is, I have absolutely nothing figured out. The thought of my entire future being so unknown is honestly still so scary, but I’m learning to find peace in laying that at the foot of the cross every day. Some days are really hard and I fail and stumble all the time, but I’m beginning to see the beauty in that. I am finding that the Lord’s power is made great in my weakness and although I feel so incredibly lost sometimes, I have an overwhelming sense of security that comes from knowing that I don’t have to carry that burden. I can honestly say that I’ve never been more at peace with such uncertainty. That’s not to say that I don’t still wake up feeling heartbroken and angry some days, but I’m learning to find joy and be thankful even in the midst of that. I really don’t have any profound words or thoughts to impart on anyone, but I’m certain that there are other people whose hearts are hurting and in need of some healing. If there’s one thing I hope to accomplish by putting this out there, it’s simply to offer some encouragement to anyone who is walking through a similar season. My heart is that I can serve as a reminder that even when life really sucks and you’re heart feels like it’s breaking every day that there is hope, freedom and healing in surrender. I’m starting on fresh ground and allowing God to build my life back up again, but this time on His foundation and in the way HE desires. I’m starting to leave the girl who ran away from everything and operated on fear and control behind, and allowing God to mature me into a woman of unwavering faith. One of my favorite songs has a lyric that says, “Faith makes a fool of what makes sense,” and I have clung so tightly to those words because they have become something that are so true and so comforting to me. I never thought I’d get to the point where I could say this and mean it, but I am so thankful for this past year. I never knew that the loss and pain I experienced in so many different areas of my life would lead me to where I’m at right now and the path I’m finally starting to walk on. Even if I know absolutely nothing else, there is such a comfort in knowing that my life and my future is in the hands of a truly Sovereign God.

 

So to everyone who has asked how I’ve been doing and genuinely wanted to know, this is where I’m at. It’s messy and it’s hard but I have never been more certain that God is present with me each and every day. Thank you to everyone who has prayed for me through this past year and chosen to walk alongside me. Truly, you have no idea how much I’ve needed the support and how thankful I am for each of you who have stuck beside me.