Grieving is such a unique experience. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever felt. It’s not a solitary emotion and it’s not exclusive to any one situation or individual. It comes in waves and it rarely makes sense. There’s no time limit as to how long grief lasts and in a way, I think it can be lifelong. Loss is complex and the fortitude it takes to face that every day is sometimes beyond what I think I’m capable of. There have been so many days where I wanted to just curl up in a ball and cry until no more tears were left, and there have been days where I’ve done it. Sometimes I question my strength; I question the promise of God never giving us more than we can handle. I question His Sovereignty and I question why He does what He does. It’s easy to want to give up in the face of heartbreak.

I made it through a few of the hardest days I’ve faced yet. I was truly dreading this past weekend for a few different reasons, but the biggest reason being Mother’s Day. How was I supposed to face that day when my mom isn’t here to celebrate? In thinking that thought over and over again, it occurred to me that if my mom could face her sickness the way she did EVERY day for almost 3 years, surely I could make it through a tough weekend. All that to say, my Mother’s strength made her a warrior. I have never seen someone walk through so much fire with so much grace. She taught me more about perseverance and finding joy in sadness that I can’t help but still feel that joy even now that she’s gone. With her birthday coming up this week, she deserves to be celebrated. I used to write my mom a letter every year on her birthday, so Momma, this is for you!

Momma, there are so many things that I want to tell you! First of all, I miss you more than I can even begin to express. I listened to a voicemail Tracy had saved on her phone and heard your voice for the first time since you’ve been gone and to no one’s surprise, I started sobbing like a child in the middle of Hector’s (And yes, I did have a margarita in your honor). Even with an embarrassing amount of publicly ugly-crying, it was worth it because I got to hear your voice again. I miss that more than you know. I’ve started traveling… A LOT. You always encouraged me to do it and now I’m finally doing it! I haven’t even come close to seeing everything I told you I want to see, but it’s a start. The mountains by far are my favorite, as you know. There’s something even more special about them now though. I told you so many times that when I’m hiking in the mountains, it makes me feel closer to heaven and now, it makes me feel closer to you too. Everywhere I look, I am in awe of the beauty of God’s creation, so I can’t even imagine what you’re seeing!

I have my own apartment now. I think you would love it! There are big beautiful trees all around and I have flowers everywhere which makes me think of you! Added bonus… It has a wood burning fire place. (Dad had to show me how it works but its fine and I haven’t burnt the place down yet so I think I’m doing alright!) However, you were totally right that being on your own is crazy expensive… but it’s worth it! You would be very proud, I’ve managed to keep the carpet stains to a minimum and with the exception of catching a mouse (due to me leaving a trash bag on my balcony… lesson learned.) I’m actually doing pretty well at this whole “on my own, single, 23 year old” thing! Thank you for always encouraging my fierce independence. It’s serving me very well, just like you said it would. You always made me feel confident and sure of myself… even when I maybe shouldn’t have been (i.e. my basketball career or the bangs phase of 1996-2001, which lasted entirely too long). But you always made me feel like I could do anything. You were my biggest cheerleader and I cannot thank you enough for the love and encouragement you showed me every day.

I played the piano for the first time in months the other day! Honestly, I haven’t been able to because every time I would sit down to play, I would picture you sitting next to me like you used to, and it was just too hard. But you’ll be happy to know that I finally started playing again, and I played for hours! I’m sure it sounds a little crazy, but I can still feel your presence when I’m playing. It’s like your right there with me and I cherish all those times you would just sit with my while I played!

I hear you in so much and I see you in everything; but more than anything, you left me with three of the greatest reminders of who you were, my siblings. Aside from the Lord, they are the reason I’m still standing! You have no idea how comforting it is to know when I am desperately missing you, I can look at each of them and see you!

I see your kindness in Brett! He calls and checks on me all the time and he’s always the first one to notice when I’m not okay. We still have lunch about once a week and he’s always there to listen, even when I ramble on about ridiculous things… His patience has greatly improved, by the way, because we all know my babbling capabilities are infinite! He also has your strong desire to keep our family close! He takes care of us all the way you did and he has grown into a man that I can only hope to find myself someday!

I see your enthusiasm and pure joy for living life in Andrew! Your passion for life was electric, and Andrew has that same quality about him! You can’t help but laugh when you’re around him and he brings me so much joy, just in the way that you used to! I also see your selflessness in him! He took on so much responsibility after you were gone and took a huge weight off of all of our shoulders. He also may or may not have taken on your endearingly frazzled self!

Lastly, I see your strength in Becki! Mom, you would be so proud of her! I have watched her grow up more in the last 10 months that I have in her entire life. She has fought through some extremely hard days and she’s done it with more grace and more kindness than I can even believe. She has your heart for the Lord and she is sometimes more of a big sister to me, than I am to her! She has wisdom that is so far beyond her years and I am so excited to see what God has planned for her!

You were an amazing mom! Even though I only got you with me for 23 years, you showed me enough love to last me a lifetime! I miss your hugs, and I miss curling up on the couch with you even as a grown adult! I miss how I could call you at 3 in the morning and you would stay up and talk with me for as long as I needed. I miss how you would never fail to forget your coffee in the microwave or burn basically every baked good imaginable. I miss how excited you would get over the simplest things… Inherently I get that from you.  I miss our spontaneous lunches and coffee dates. Most of all, I miss your laugh. It could brighten anyone’s day and never failed to make me feel better. I probably didn’t say it enough, but you were the most beautiful person I’ve ever known. You were dealt some really tough cards over the years, and so many times you got less than what you deserved. I never heard you complain and you never failed to be thankful! So in those moments when I question why God took you so soon, I’m reminded that you are now in a place that you deserve. You deserve to be free of pain. You deserve to sing and dance for all eternity. You deserve to be with your true love, Jesus. And you deserve all the unfathomable beauty heaven has to offer. Thank you for being the woman you were! Thank you for loving me the way you did and thank you for raising 3 amazing people that I get the privilege of calling my family! I’m just starting to figure this whole adult thing out. Sometimes I do really well, and other times I feel like I’m failing constantly. You set such an amazing example that I know I’m going to be okay either way! I love you so much! I desperately wish you were still here, but thank you for leaving a legacy that has given me more courage and more strength to still find joy even in such immense loss. Happy Birthday, Momma.