“Set your sights, sailing far beyond familiar
In the rising tide, you’ll find the rhythm of your heart
And lift your head, now the wind and waves don’t matter
What if the path you choose becomes a road
The ground you take becomes a home
The wind is high, but the pressure’s off
I’ll send the rain wherever we end up
Wherever we end up”

It’s crazy to me how quickly our lives can change, sometimes without us even knowing it. Whether it’s a change of heart or a change of circumstances, the futures we’ve dreamed of and the plans we’ve envisioned can change course, in what seems is only an instant.

I’ve spoken about it many times before and I’m sure I will be speaking the same words for the rest of my life but every day I become increasingly more aware of God’s sovereignty and the fact that He is so faithful. Faithful and sovereign: Those terms have really come to have a whole new meaning in my life over these past months. The idea of God’s sovereignty was something that I believed as long as everything was still within my control. As long as everything turned out the way I wanted and it looked the way I pictured, then clearly I was seeing God’s faithfulness in my life. (Which I now realize is completely the opposite of what that actually is). I totally and completely limited God in almost every part of my life, and in turn, ended up restricting my future to a very simple and very limited vision. I truly thought I was trusting God and I thought I was allowing Him to guide me and lead me, but my control and my unwillingness to surrender ran incredibly deep.

Since I can remember, I have always had somewhat of a restless heart. I haven’t quite figured out if that’s a good or a bad thing, and in some ways I think it can be both. The challenge for me is deciphering between the two. There have been times where I felt restless because I felt God pushing me to move when I was standing still. Other times, I’ve felt restless because I was lacking contentment. It’s hard to feel content when you feel like you have no direction and when you feel like you’re wandering aimlessly, it’s hard to feel like you have a purpose.

Trusting God with my restless heart and my future has been much more challenging than I ever thought, but I’m starting to see the reward is also so much greater than I could have ever imagined. As a single, 24 year old who is still figuring her life out, it can be incredibly easy for your heart to become anxious. There are so many pressures that come with this phase of life; and in turn that pressure can cause you to feel like you should be somewhere that you’re just not yet.

This is the time in most people’s lives where they are graduating college, starting careers, getting married and starting families. Those are all wonderful things and honestly, some that I hope to find for my own life someday, but what happens when God takes YOUR life and completely moves you to something off the beaten path?  To a place that may seem incredibly isolating and so different from what everyone else is doing? It causes you to question. It can absolutely cause doubt and a feeling of “missing out”. It can make you feel inadequate and ashamed. It’s easy to get caught up in seeking a career, a spouse, money, or whatever else, because thats what you’re SUPPOSED to do at this point. Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying that those things are bad by any means, but without Jesus leading us to those things, we could be blind to what God has in store.

Over this past year, I have had so many moments where I have felt “singled out” by God. It wasn’t until recently that he changed my perspective when I’ve thought about that. So many times I would look at my situation and, as much as I hate to admit it, it was from a place of feeling sorry for myself. I felt like God was just taking from me a life that he had laid out in front of me. I had never experienced an anger and a bitterness of that caliber before, which was a direct result of the way I was choosing to look at everything. I started challenging myself to everyday, even in the worst of circumstances, find at least one thing I was thankful for. As I started doing this consistently, I found that list becoming longer and longer and the focus shifted from what I had lost to what God had blessed me with and what He was doing in my life. It wasn’t until recently that I have become SO thankful that God singled me out. Only this time, I don’t see that as a bad thing.

My prayer for years has been that God would have His way in my life, and I never let go enough to actually let that happen. (I have a tendency to be my own biggest hindrance.) Recently, God has put me on a road that I not only don’t understand but I never would have chosen for myself. I’m starting to find that future I had envisioned for myself looks nothing like the one God seems to be shaping for me, but I have never trusted anything more. I have never experienced such a genuine peace about something so unfamiliar.

I look back to where I was a year ago, and I wouldn’t have believed you if you would have told me I’d be where I am right now. I was happily engaged to a WONDERFUL man who I loved so deeply, I had friends that I thought were lifelong and I was focused on striving toward a career and a future that I had always pictured. As many of you know, every single one of those doors closed. Every. Single. One.

From where I stand now, I am so thankful. I am thankful God took me through heartache that at times, seemed unbearable. It refined me.  I am thankful that I had the friendships I did, even just for a time. They strengthened me. I’m thankful for the 5 years I got to spend with an incredible man. I learned more from him, more about myself and how truly selfish I can be, more about love, forgiveness and grace from that experience than all of the other things put together. Most importantly, I’m thankful for God and who He is. I am thankful that I serve a Sovereign and limitless God! A God who knows far better than I do and is willing to destroy my plans for His good and the good of those who love Him. A God who is gracious enough to walk with me through some of the darkest moments of my life and still call me His.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes along the way and some that I still struggle with today, but I am learning that just as much as God’s plan knows no bounds, neither does His grace. I truly believe He uses every situation, every mistake and every victory for His good if you allow Him. It still amazes me how much He can change a heart, even as sinful and rebellious as mine can be, and bring forth desires that are so beautiful and so pure.

So to all of you who feel “singled out” by God, who feel isolated and maybe even abandoned, let me be a testament to how truly faithful Jesus is. It’s OKAY if you’re not where everyone else is. It’s okay to dream of a future that looks nothing like that of everyone around you. It’s OKAY to be single and its OKAY to not have everything figured out. There are still so many things that I don’t know about my future, but I promise you, if you truly ask for the wildly boundless God to ruin your plans and shatter your realities and make them His own, He will be immeasurably faithful to do so. That’s a really scary prayer sometimes, because He will have His way if you let Him, and it may look nothing like you thought, but at least from my experience so far, the reward is so much sweeter.

“Not my will, but yours be done. Not my strength, but yours alone. Nothing else, but You Oh Lord.
I find everything in You.”

“You are going to come across people in your life who will inspire you, love you and change you. And that is a rare thing, but every once in a while you will come across someone who will completely rob you from your sleep and those are the people who are just too beautiful to put into words.”

 

Writing over these past couple months has been so healing for me. It’s allowed me to be open in a way that I’ve never known how to be, and it has grown me in ways that I can’t even explain. Just being open to simply facing everything you feel, both good and bad, has proved to be a much more complicated process than I thought, but as I’ve allowed myself to become more transparent, I’ve been able to work through so much more than I ever imagined. At times it’s been messy and confusing. Other times it’s been dark and discouraging and sometimes, it’s just been unbearably heartbreaking. The past few years have tested and tried me and in so many ways, I felt like I was just falling on my face with every step I took. (My life there for a while, bared a striking resemblance to the opening scene of Bridget Jones’s Diary. I would love to say I’ve never spent a Friday night in, drinking wine and eating Chinese food, binge watching Frasier and belting Celine Dion at the top of my lungs, but my neighbors can attest to the fact that it’s happened on more than one occasion. If I’m being honest, it was a pretty frequent occurrence; but who’s counting?) However, I stand here, however many months later, a stronger woman. Not a perfect woman by any means, but a woman who stopped living in fear and letting my circumstances dictate who I was going to be and what I was going to make of myself. I had the best example of this for 23 years, and that was the example of my Mom.

I can’t believe it’s just a week shy of being a year since she left this earth. I love to write, but more than anything, I love to write about things that inspire me. My mom inspired me more than anything or anyone that I’ve ever come in contact with. I’ve written about my mom through oceans of tears, through anger, through doubt and questioning and it’s almost been like she’s been walking with me through it all. In honor of her true birthday, the day that she went home to be with Jesus, I find myself writing this from a place of pure joy; a place of knowing so assuredly that she is TRULY alive and experiencing the fullness of God’s love and glory. When I really stop and think about that, it gives me chills because I never expected to feel such a joyfulness and gladness when writing about something so hard.  It’s really easy to focus on our selves when something major happens and when our world is rocked, it’s almost natural to focus on what’s lost. Over the past year, I’ve really learned how to change my perspective. I was looking at what I had lost and not seeing what my mom had gained. Although I would selfishly give anything to have just one more day with her, or hear her voice again, I know she is experiencing a life that I can’t even begin to fathom and therein lies my joy. That brings me comfort and it brings me a peace that stills my heart to almost complete abandon. It’s crazy that even though she’s not here with me anymore, I feel like she is still helping me grow in my faith. I think that’s just a testament to the faith she had and the woman she was.

My mom was beautiful. She was kind and she was selfless. She was beautifully flawed. She was truly clothed in grace and dignity. She was a warrior; faithful and courageous. She had a joy that only comes from the love of Jesus and her worth came from who she was in Him. I could not have asked for a better example of beauty. She loved fiercely and she loved deeply. She took the time to actually know people and understand them. She could make anyone feel welcomed and accepted, regardless of who you were or what you were going through.

My mom and I by no means had a perfect relationship. I was (and in a lot of ways still am) a handful but my mom never made me feel unloved. Don’t get me wrong, she wasn’t afraid to put me in my place, which I often needed, but she was patient and she always wanted the best for me and everyone around her. I am so thankful for the woman she was. I learned so much from her over the years. I learned what it means to be truly faithful. She showed me what it means to be strong. I learned strength isn’t looking like you have it all together or not allowing yourself to be affected by things, it’s being honest and vulnerable about how those things affect you. It’s being able to admit your weakness and face that head on. It’s about not letting fear control you. My mom always said she felt like fear stopped her from so many things. But what I saw was so much different. She faced her illness with an unrelenting courage and I am so grateful to have witnessed her walk such a difficult road. She was gracious and not once did I ever hear her complain. She had so much she could have been angry about, and I don’t know what she battled internally, but she was always thankful. She owed everything she had to Jesus and she did so unashamedly.

My sweet Momma, I have struggled through losing you and I know this road isn’t over, but today I am thankful. This week I have been joyful. Thank you for instilling in me a love for the Lord and a desire to lean on Him even when I don’t know how. Thank you for raising 3 amazing people that I can count on and confide in. Thank you for loving Jesus the way you did; so wildly and so freely. Thank you for being the greatest example of how God’s grace can transform and change you. Thank you for teaching me what it means to let go. That’s been a hard thing for me to practice, but I’m still learning and I’m surrendering more and more every day. Thank you for believing in me even when I didn’t believe in myself. You were truly an incredible woman and I owe so much of who I am right now to who you were. Thank you for always feeding my sense of adventure and encouraging my independence. I don’t know what my future holds, but for the first time in a long time, I feel so excited about it. Thank you for showing me what it means to “fight the good fight.”  I could go on for pages and hours about everything I love about you and miss so much, but I am going to leave it at thank you today. Thank you for who you were and although I miss you more than words can express, I am thankful you are where you belong.  Thank you for leaving me a legacy to hold onto on those days that feel hopeless. You were an extraordinary person and I am proud to call myself your daughter. I love you!

“Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything beautiful, for beauty is God’s handwriting.”- Ralph Waldo Emerson

“He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.” Psalm 40:2
Anyone with a Facebook is now well aware that I was just in Idaho, because for the past 4 days, I probably blew up your newsfeed with a slew of pictures…. So sorry! First off, it was one of the most amazing trips I’ve taken yet. I was there to visit my very dear friend Jozi and her husband Kyle. We spent the weekend camping ( in a yurt which was super cool) , hiking multiple trails, visiting hot springs, climbing sand dunes and just enjoying the beautiful Idaho mountains. As most of you know, the mountains are my favorite place in the entire world. They just exude majesty and wonderment in a way that nothing else does (at least in my opinion). I don’t know how someone can spend time surrounded by such beauty and not see Jesus. His spirit and his nature is undeniably present and you can’t help but feel like you’re just that much closer to heaven.

This trip this weekend could not have come at a better time for me. This past year has brought some really challenging circumstances and it’s brought out some of the best and worst characteristics in me. It changes from day to day and month to month, but I think I’ve faced every emotion possible at this point. This past month in particular though has been the darkest one yet. I don’t think my heart has ever been so hardened and I don’t know that I have ever felt so far away from Jesus and from myself. There were 2 really hard truths to face in that. 1. It wasn’t because Jesus abandoned me, it was because I turned my back on Him and walked away to do my own thing. And 2. I was deliberately allowing myself to live in darkness and sin. I felt like I was spiraling downward and I eventually got to the point where I just didn’t care. When it comes to my faith, I found that complacency is one of the scariest places to end up in. When you feel like you have nothing to lose, the people and things you care about and the way you see yourself loses value. That’s a very dangerous place to get to.

Long story short(ish), I fell into a pit that was too dark and too steep for me to get out of myself. I’ve said it before, but I’m not someone who likes to open up and talk about the things I struggle with. I tend to have the toxic combination of pride and shame when it comes to my sin. The two together completely hinder transparency, and transparency and honesty are the only things that lead to freedom and healing. The people that know me really well could see that I was really struggling, but I was too prideful and too ashamed to do anything about it, and in a lot of ways I didn’t even know what to do.

The night before I left for Idaho, I hit a breaking point. My best friend was in from out of town and I just broke down. I was finally able to be honest about what I was struggling with and where I truly was at spiritually; not where I wanted people to think I was. Being able to be completely open with her was so freeing but also incredibly unnerving because I realized just how selfishly I’ve been living. I in no way felt like myself and I once again, felt incredibly lost. (Like I said, it’s been very up and down. I’m finding that just part of life though.)

I got on the plane the next day discouraged and broken. I was ashamed of the person I’ve been lately and I felt like I was beyond the grace of God. For lack of a better phrase, I desperately needed a reason to sing. I finally made it to Boise and the second I saw my friend Jozi I felt encouraged. Side Note: Just a little bit about her… She and I met through a mutual friend and we have only known each other for about a year now. We’ve taken a few trips together and she is just one of those special people that you can talk to for about 5 minutes and feel like you’ve known for 5 years. God has given her such a graciousness and a transparency that I have seen only in maybe a handful of people. She is one of the best examples of a truly and genuinely godly woman and she has a wisdom that I strive to have someday. All that to say, you can spend about 2 seconds with her and your heart just feels encouraged. It was when we finally got up in the mountains to where we were camping that something in me just lifted. There wasn’t this grandiose moment, it was just a moment where I looked around and couldn’t deny God’s sovereignty and all that He is. I remembered, and more importantly, acknowledged who God is and who I am in Him. It was as simple as saying “God I’m so sorry and I am yours.”

I write this because I want to be a reminder that first off, no matter what your circumstances and what you’re walking through, you have a choice in how you respond. Sometimes it hurts and sometimes it’s unbearably hard, but you always have a choice. Unfortunately, it’s in my nature to have to learn the difficult way and more times than not, I choose to chase after what feels good instead of what is good for me. With that being said, there is always grace. Grace that can surpass any sin and any shame. I’m not at all trying to preach at anyone, I am just speaking from my experience and that is, that sin is inevitable but God is SO good. One of my favorite songs is Brokenness Aside by All Sons & Daughters (If you haven’t heard it, check it out. It’s amazing!) The whole song speaks to the fact that we are all sinful by nature. No matter what the sin, we are all a broken people, but God can take even your darkest and deepest sin and make it beautiful. I’m sure that sounds pretty cliché and pretty basic but I can attest to the fact that that is something I never want to take for granted again. It is a powerful truth that I desperately needed to be reminded of and this weekend, God opened my eyes to that again.

As a believer, I’ve had my many moments of wandering and doubting, but this past month it was to a whole new degree. I was so overcome by fear and shame and hated the person I allowed myself to become. I am by no means saying that after this weekend I’m perfect and have it all figured out, cause I still (since post #1) have almost nothing figured out. I’m finding that everything I walk through, good and bad, I’m learning and I’m growing. This one was a hard lesson to learn though. Having to admit my many mistakes and having to shake myself and not use my circumstances/losses  as a justification to do whatever I want was hard, because that put the responsibility of those decisions and my attitude on me and me alone. Laying those at the foot of the cross is not always easy, but when I did, I was reminded of just how merciful God is and I felt His love and His presence in a way that I haven’t in long time.

After a weekend of wonderful fellowship with an amazing friend surrounded by beauty everywhere we looked, I feel like I have a reason to sing again. I feel like I found my worth again and my heart feels restored. To anyone who is in a similar place of feeling unworthy and ashamed, whatever the reason being for that, you are worth so much more. I know it’s so hard and sometimes nearly impossible to see when you’re in such a dark spot, and that’s okay, but God desires so much for you and his Grace is sufficient for you. If nothing else, I want to use this to be as transparent and honest; One, for my own growth and also so that anyone who is in the same boat knows that you’re not alone. There is hope! I am so thankful to serve a God that is gracious enough to rescue me over and over again. It’s not the first time I’ve gotten caught up in my sin and it certainly won’t be the last. My only prayer and hope is that those times are fewer and farther between the more I grow and allow him to lead me.

Again, to everyone who has walked by me and encouraged me though all of this, Thank you! From the bottom of my heart. Thank you for holding me accountable and helping get back on solid ground. To those of you who have prayed and listened, please know that I am so grateful and can’t express how thankful I am for every one of you!

Grieving is such a unique experience. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever felt. It’s not a solitary emotion and it’s not exclusive to any one situation or individual. It comes in waves and it rarely makes sense. There’s no time limit as to how long grief lasts and in a way, I think it can be lifelong. Loss is complex and the fortitude it takes to face that every day is sometimes beyond what I think I’m capable of. There have been so many days where I wanted to just curl up in a ball and cry until no more tears were left, and there have been days where I’ve done it. Sometimes I question my strength; I question the promise of God never giving us more than we can handle. I question His Sovereignty and I question why He does what He does. It’s easy to want to give up in the face of heartbreak.

I made it through a few of the hardest days I’ve faced yet. I was truly dreading this past weekend for a few different reasons, but the biggest reason being Mother’s Day. How was I supposed to face that day when my mom isn’t here to celebrate? In thinking that thought over and over again, it occurred to me that if my mom could face her sickness the way she did EVERY day for almost 3 years, surely I could make it through a tough weekend. All that to say, my Mother’s strength made her a warrior. I have never seen someone walk through so much fire with so much grace. She taught me more about perseverance and finding joy in sadness that I can’t help but still feel that joy even now that she’s gone. With her birthday coming up this week, she deserves to be celebrated. I used to write my mom a letter every year on her birthday, so Momma, this is for you!

 

Momma, there are so many things that I want to tell you! First of all, I miss you more than I can even begin to express. I listened to a voicemail Tracy had saved on her phone and heard your voice for the first time since you’ve been gone and to no one’s surprise, I started sobbing like a child in the middle of Hector’s (And yes, I did have a margarita in your honor). Even with an embarrassing amount of publicly ugly-crying, it was worth it because I got to hear your voice again. I miss that more than you know. I’ve started traveling… A LOT. You always encouraged me to do it and now I’m finally doing it! I haven’t even come close to seeing everything I told you I want to see, but it’s a start. The mountains by far are my favorite, as you know. There’s something even more special about them now though. I told you so many times that when I’m hiking in the mountains, it makes me feel closer to heaven and now, it makes me feel closer to you too. Everywhere I look, I am in awe of the beauty of God’s creation, so I can’t even imagine what you’re seeing!

I have my own apartment now. I think you would love it! There are big beautiful trees all around and I have flowers everywhere which makes me think of you! Added bonus… It has a wood burning fire place. (Dad had to show me how it works but its fine and I haven’t burnt the place down yet so I think I’m doing alright!) However, you were totally right that being on your own is crazy expensive… but it’s worth it! You would be very proud, I’ve managed to keep the carpet stains to a minimum and with the exception of catching a mouse (due to me leaving a trash bag on my balcony… lesson learned.) I’m actually doing pretty well at this whole “on my own, single, 23 year old” thing! Thank you for always encouraging my fierce independence. It’s serving me very well, just like you said it would. You always made me feel confident and sure of myself… even when I maybe shouldn’t have been (i.e. my basketball career or the bangs phase of 1996-2001, which lasted entirely too long). But you always made me feel like I could do anything. You were my biggest cheerleader and I cannot thank you enough for the love and encouragement you showed me every day.

I played the piano for the first time in months the other day! Honestly, I haven’t been able to because every time I would sit down to play, I would picture you sitting next to me like you used to, and it was just too hard. But you’ll be happy to know that I finally started playing again, and I played for hours! I’m sure it sounds a little crazy, but I can still feel your presence when I’m playing. It’s like your right there with me and I cherish all those times you would just sit with my while I played!

I hear you in so much and I see you in everything; but more than anything, you left me with three of the greatest reminders of who you were, my siblings. Aside from the Lord, they are the reason I’m still standing! You have no idea how comforting it is to know when I am desperately missing you, I can look at each of them and see you!

I see your kindness in Brett! He calls and checks on me all the time and he’s always the first one to notice when I’m not okay. We still have lunch about once a week and he’s always there to listen, even when I ramble on about ridiculous things… His patience has greatly improved, by the way, because we all know my babbling capabilities are infinite! He also has your strong desire to keep our family close! He takes care of us all the way you did and he has grown into a man that I can only hope to find myself someday!

I see your enthusiasm and pure joy for living life in Andrew! Your passion for life was electric, and Andrew has that same quality about him! You can’t help but laugh when you’re around him and he brings me so much joy, just in the way that you used to! I also see your selflessness in him! He took on so much responsibility after you were gone and took a huge weight off of all of our shoulders. He also may or may not have taken on your endearingly frazzled self!

Lastly, I see your strength in Becki! Mom, you would be so proud of her! I have watched her grow up more in the last 10 months that I have in her entire life. She has fought through some extremely hard days and she’s done it with more grace and more kindness than I can even believe. She has your heart for the Lord and she is sometimes more of a big sister to me, than I am to her! She has wisdom that is so far beyond her years and I am so excited to see what God has planned for her!

You were an amazing mom! Even though I only got you with me for 23 years, you showed me enough love to last me a lifetime! I miss your hugs, and I miss curling up on the couch with you even as a grown adult! I miss how I could call you at 3 in the morning and you would stay up and talk with me for as long as I needed. I miss how you would never fail to forget your coffee in the microwave or burn basically every baked good imaginable. I miss how excited you would get over the simplest things… Inherently I get that from you.  I miss our spontaneous lunches and coffee dates. Most of all, I miss your laugh. It could brighten anyone’s day and never failed to make me feel better. I probably didn’t say it enough, but you were the most beautiful person I’ve ever known. You were dealt some really tough cards over the years, and so many times you got less than what you deserved. I never heard you complain and you never failed to be thankful! So in those moments when I question why God took you so soon, I’m reminded that you are now in a place that you deserve. You deserve to be free of pain. You deserve to sing and dance for all eternity. You deserve to be with your true love, Jesus. And you deserve all the unfathomable beauty heaven has to offer. Thank you for being the woman you were! Thank you for loving me the way you did and thank you for raising 3 amazing people that I get the privilege of calling my family! I’m just starting to figure this whole adult thing out. Sometimes I do really well, and other times I feel like I’m failing constantly. You set such an amazing example that I know I’m going to be okay either way! I love you so much! I desperately wish you were still here, but thank you for leaving a legacy that has given me more courage and more strength to still find joy even in such immense loss. Happy Birthday, Momma.

  You don’t have to know me well to know that I am head over heels in love with the outdoors. You can look at almost any picture, talk to me for about 5 seconds, or pretty much assume by how I…

Source: Pluviophile.

 

You don’t have to know me well to know that I am head over heels in love with the outdoors. You can look at almost any picture, talk to me for about 5 seconds, or pretty much assume by how I’m dressed most times, that I LOVE the outdoors. Nothing brings me greater joy than being outside and being completely consumed by nature and all of its elements. Those of you who know me a little better, probably know that there are two things in nature that just take my breath away. Those two things are the rain and the wind. I love them for many of the same reasons and they never cease to amaze me. Much like the wind, rain has a ferocity all of its own. It can be powerful and almost majestic; it can instill just a little bit of fear into your heart but at the same time, it can also be calm and overwhelmingly peaceful. The balance between the two, and how it can shift, in no time at all, from pouring down and flooding the streets to almost complete silence and stillness, to me, is beautiful. I think it reflects the very nature of God and who He is. HE is powerful. HE is magnificent and HE is beautiful. His love is a fury all of its own and nothing can compare to it. The joy that comes through HIM is breathtaking and mysterious. It’s something that you just can’t get enough of. It can shift from a powerful force to a gentle voice in seconds. It brings new life and it restores. It heals and it takes what was once dead and withering away and makes it stronger than before.

With all of my windows open from the night before, I woke up this morning to the sound of rain falling. It was a heavier rain, but it was peaceful. I laid there as long as I possibly could and just enjoyed the smell of the fresh rain and the sound of it falling outside my window. I enjoyed the stillness of and the simplicity of just taking in one of the first rains of the spring before I had to rush off to class and could no longer just lye there and be still. As I went to leave my apartment, I came across a picture. A picture that would have normally brought me joy and made me think fondly of the memories that it reflected. It was taken on a rainy day in the mountains and it was absolutely gorgeous. But as I looked at this picture today, it brought a rush of sadness and hurt. Looking at this picture, I didn’t see the amazing experience and wonderful memory, but I saw loss. I saw friends that I feel like I hardly know anymore, a love that didn’t work out and ran its course, myself who looked almost euphoric, and an amazing experience that I may never get to share with these people who were once like my family, again. Even as I’m writing, I can feel myself holding back tears and I can feel my heart aching and longing for that again. I finally walked away and as I climbed down three flights of stairs to get down to my car, with every step, sadness was turning into anger. As soon as I got to the bottom, I stood at the door to my apartment building and watched as the rain began to fall harder. Angrily, I zipped up my raincoat and prepared to run out to my car to avoid getting drenched and having to sit through an afternoon of classes sopping wet. As I flung the door open and started quickly jogging to my car, I felt my feet slow down and I came to a complete stop right in the middle of the sidewalk. Before I knew it, I was just standing there, completely soaked and completely okay with it (Thank the Lord for waterproof backpacks.) As I closed my eyes and extended my arms, I felt the water just pouring over me. I can’t explain it, but the joy I felt in that moment, was one I haven’t experienced probably since that picture was taken. In a matter of seconds, I felt all of that pent up anger and frustration; every ounce of bitterness and hurt washing away. I’m sure I looked like an insane person, but as I continued to stand in the pouring rain, I couldn’t help but smile and be filled with joy and thankfulness. In that moment, I experienced both a powerful and gentle God. The powerful God who can bring enough rain to restore every leaf on every tree, and a gentle God who can bring restoration to my heart, which it so desperately needed. This past month or so has been a struggle of anger and bitterness. I have walked through a season of holding on to hurt and still not relenting control. I last talked about letting go, and honestly it’s a day-by-day practice for me. Some days I do really well, but lately it’s been more of a struggle. I allowed the sadness in my heart to become anger. I allowed my heart to become callused and I fell into a pit of selfishness and resentment.

Today was a blessing that I don’t know if I even have the words to describe. I know it sounds so simple and probably a little bit dramatic, but I needed today. I needed to be reminded of who God is and what my purpose is here on this earth. I decided to write about this today because writing so openly has become one of the most beneficial ways for me to reflect and process. There’s a part of me that feels a little bit silly for getting all of this from rain, but I’m not going to question God’s methods of getting my attention; at this point I know better. I can truly say that I write this from a place of a renewed heart and mind. I was reminded of something that unfortunately I forget far too often, “it’s not about me”. I’m not on this earth to seek happiness, I’m here to seek Jesus and I’m here to serve. In all of this, I have neglected be mindful of that lately. I have been more focused on what I’ve “lost” and what is hurting me, than focusing on what is going on around me. I allowed myself to become blind to the fact that there are people around me who are hurting and need kindness. I didn’t take the time to thank God for all the wonderful things and people that I do have in my life. I didn’t acknowledge that His plan is perfect and choose to trust that.

This past year has been a lot of questioning; questioning what my purpose is and questioning who I am. I’ve been trying to figure out what role I’m going to play in this life and questioning will I accept that role He has asked of me, even when it’s not the one I wanted? I’ve said it before and I still stand by the fact that I know next to nothing. I don’t have many answers and I still don’t have anything figured out. But what I do know is I can’t begin to figure that out if my heart isn’t open to it. I know that the anger I was allowing to keep festering inside of me will only hinder me in moving forward. Today I was able to make a step in the direction of grace. I was able to take the hardest step in my opinion, and let down my pride enough to see that I wasn’t the one who was being wronged, I was the one who was in the wrong. I was the one who was being bitter and selfish and I was the one who wasn’t being even a little bit gracious.

There are moments when I am in awe of the love of God and how he works. Today was one of those moments. It shouldn’t considering God knows my needs better than I ever could, but I am always amazed at how he knows exactly what I need, when I need it. So to anyone who is walking through a similar season, there is hope and there is so much to be thankful for! Even if it doesn’t feel like it, which I totally get, God is still there and He will still show you who who He is. It may not come in the form of getting soaked in the pouring rain, but know that God is so good and so gracious even in your worst moments and you are worth so much more than carrying the burden of anger! To those of you who continue to pray for me and listen and encourage me, please know how incredibly grateful I am for you all and thank you for the overwhelming support!

“Rain is grace; rain is the sky descending to the earth; without rain, there would be no life.”- John Updike

 

 

“Oh the peace that comes when I’m broken and undone; By Your unfailing grace I can lift my voice and say, You can have it all, Lord; Every part of my world. Take this life and breathe on this heart that is now Yours.” – “Have It All”, Bethel Worship.

 

Learning the discipline of surrender has been by far one of the most challenging, yet one of the most insightful and growing experiences I’ve ever had to walk through. This past year brought loss, change and challenges that I never thought I would have been prepared to face, and in a lot of ways I wasn’t. Letting go seems like it should be an easy process. When change happens, it’s easy to think we should just be able to move on. Ideally, moving forward should be a natural occurrence; a painless and smooth transition into the next chapter of our lives. Unfortunately, we don’t live in a perfect world, so accepting change and learning to live with that usually comes with some bumps and bruises along the way. As with anything that brings refinement and maturation, growing pains are almost always present. For me, this began with learning to simply be still and listen. This discipline proved to be easier said than done, but in doing that, I learned in order to truly move forward, it takes complete surrender. To live with reckless abandonment has been something I’ve prayed over my life for years, but when it came down to it, it was something I never really knew how to do. My security came from my own control. My peace came from things going as planned and working out the way I had hoped. My worth came from the validation of people, and most times the poor choices I made were a direct reflection of just how unworthy I thought I was. My happiness and my joy came from the future I had planned for myself unfolding before me. I operated so much on fear; whether it was staying when I shouldn’t have, or running away from something God put in front of me, it was all done on the basis of what I wanted to do. I was always a girl of good intention, a girl who wanted to trust God wholeheartedly but never truly did. I was a girl who prayed that God would make my life His, yet still relied on my own efforts to make things happen and feel safe. I desperately wanted to have a relationship with God that was so deep and so dependent on Him that no matter what was going on in my life, I would remain steadfast and faithful. Over the past year, Jesus started to gently speak to me and create stirrings in my heart that I didn’t (and to some degree still don’t) fully understand. I felt his guidance, and as much as I wanted to listen, I was too scared and too stubborn to be obedient. Eventually, and all at once it seemed, Jesus came in and flipped my world upside down. Some of the strongest support systems that I had relied so heavily on, were suddenly gone. He brought me to a place of what seemed like complete isolation. To a place where I was desperate to seek Him and find Him. My heart has never ached so badly so consistently. That was the first time I saw how broken I truly was and how much I put my faith and my comfort in everything and everyone around me. When those things were gone, I felt like my world was falling apart around me and there was nothing I could do to change that. Obedience isn’t always easy and learning to be obedient in the midst of heartache can be even more challenging. It’s easy to just want to give up and run away from everything that is hurting you. There are still days when I wake up feeling that way, but I’m finding the most pure contentment comes in those moments. Those moments when you so badly want to be somewhere else and want things to be different and even then, still manage to praise Jesus right where you’re at. My best friend can attest to the fact that on almost a daily basis, I will say something along the lines of, “I’m just so tired of being sad. My heart just hurts.” The more those words came out of my mouth, the more I realized I was holding onto that hurt. I was dwelling on what could have been, instead of thanking Jesus for what is to come.

To anyone who knows me, you know that I don’t open up easily, if at all. The thought of putting something so personal in such a public forum is enough to make me write this with a bottle of Pepto Bismol sitting next to me. But, with that being said, I am writing this from a place of starting fresh and challenging myself to be completely transparent. I think in order to truly surrender yourself it starts with being open to being honest about where you’re at, and that’s something I’m just starting to learn how to do. I don’t at all write this from a place of having everything figured out because the truth is, I have absolutely nothing figured out. The thought of my entire future being so unknown is honestly still so scary, but I’m learning to find peace in laying that at the foot of the cross every day. Some days are really hard and I fail and stumble all the time, but I’m beginning to see the beauty in that. I am finding that the Lord’s power is made great in my weakness and although I feel so incredibly lost sometimes, I have an overwhelming sense of security that comes from knowing that I don’t have to carry that burden. I can honestly say that I’ve never been more at peace with such uncertainty. That’s not to say that I don’t still wake up feeling heartbroken and angry some days, but I’m learning to find joy and be thankful even in the midst of that. I really don’t have any profound words or thoughts to impart on anyone, but I’m certain that there are other people whose hearts are hurting and in need of some healing. If there’s one thing I hope to accomplish by putting this out there, it’s simply to offer some encouragement to anyone who is walking through a similar season. My heart is that I can serve as a reminder that even when life really sucks and you’re heart feels like it’s breaking every day that there is hope, freedom and healing in surrender. I’m starting on fresh ground and allowing God to build my life back up again, but this time on His foundation and in the way HE desires. I’m starting to leave the girl who ran away from everything and operated on fear and control behind, and allowing God to mature me into a woman of unwavering faith. One of my favorite songs has a lyric that says, “Faith makes a fool of what makes sense,” and I have clung so tightly to those words because they have become something that are so true and so comforting to me. I never thought I’d get to the point where I could say this and mean it, but I am so thankful for this past year. I never knew that the loss and pain I experienced in so many different areas of my life would lead me to where I’m at right now and the path I’m finally starting to walk on. Even if I know absolutely nothing else, there is such a comfort in knowing that my life and my future is in the hands of a truly Sovereign God.

 

So to everyone who has asked how I’ve been doing and genuinely wanted to know, this is where I’m at. It’s messy and it’s hard but I have never been more certain that God is present with me each and every day. Thank you to everyone who has prayed for me through this past year and chosen to walk alongside me. Truly, you have no idea how much I’ve needed the support and how thankful I am for each of you who have stuck beside me.