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Collecting Lessons.

~ The Fragrance of my Mother ~ 1 Comment

“You’re not a failure… you’re collecting lessons.” – A ghost of my former life (aka my ex fiancé) 

As much as I really hate to admit it, He was right. 

I had a conversation recently with a dear friend who is walking with her child through a difficult time. It’s a road that I myself have walked. She asked me if there were any verses, sayings or anything that helped me.

This got me thinking. 

If I could go back and talk to a much younger me, knowing what I know now, what would I say?

Emilee,  

Hi sweet girl. This isn’t going to make much sense to you now, but as life unfolds before you, I hope you remember these words. 

Life is never certain. You can’t control it… no matter how hard you try. 

There will be moments of great joy. There will be moments of great pain. Cling to the moments of joy. Even if they are momentary. 

Loss is inevitable. And you are going to experience some significant losses. As much as I want to warn you so that you can prepare yourself,  no amount of warning can prepare you to lose someone you love. 

So cherish those you love. Be kind with your words, because the people you speak to may not remember them, but you will. 

Be a good friend. There will come a time when you truly believe that life is all about you. That you can do it on your own. But it’s not and you can’t. This is a tough lesson you’ll have to learn. And you’ll lose some friends along the way. But humility and honesty will bring you through. Admit when you’re wrong and don’t stop there. Take ownership of your actions and learn from your mistakes. Admission without change really means nothing. 

Never stop dreaming. Don’t be afraid of failure. Keep taking chances. 

You are going to embark on a journey to “find yourself.” I hate to break it to you, but you don’t find yourself in one attempt. Although this would be easier, it’s a lifelong process. You’re going to make mistakes along the way. Many, many mistakes. (Unfortunately, bangs will not be the worst of them. Not even close.) And that’s okay. You’ll learn.  

Don’t try to grow up too fast. Enjoy being a kid. Enjoy the simple things in life that you love. Sunsets. Fireflies. Staying outside in the summer until the streetlights come on. The smell of chocolate chip cookies in the oven. Laughing with your family in the backyard. Playing catch with your dad. Hiding in the neighbors yard with your brothers. Reading to your sister on the couch. Snuggling your mom. Savor those moments. 

Pay attention to the good. Because eventually, moments just become memories. 

“Cool” is underrated. Lead with your weirdness. There’s no use in trying to change that. It’s who you are. Eventually, you’ll see it as a good thing. 

Cherish your purity. Know that your value and your worth do not come from what anybody tells you or what you can give them. Also, you’re not going to find your husband in a bar… No matter how charming he is…

You can’t hide from your life. You can’t hide from your mistakes. You’ll have to face them eventually. This will be really hard, but you’ll get through it. 

Vulnerability isn’t weakness. In fact, it’s one of the greatest strengths someone can possess. Write everything down. Share your experiences and give them a voice. This will be crucial for you when you walk through some really hard things. 

Don’t let anyone tell you that because you are emotional, you’re crazy. Your emotions are actually going to be one of your greatest strengths. They will fuel your empathy and your compassion for others. Cherish these too and don’t try to shut them out. Learn from them. (And remember that emotions are in fact real, but they may not always be reality.)

Mental health is really important…  Especially for you. Depression is a real thing but there’s no shame in that. Find a good counselor. Talk about your pain. Talk about your goals and your dreams. BE HONEST. 

I would say don’t drink… but I already know this is a lesson you’re going to have to learn the hard way. You won’t listen to anyone else, so I know you won’t listen to me either. However, know that when it gets really ugly, and unfortunately it will, it will get better. 

Family is everything. When your family seems mad at you because of the choices you’re making, it’s not because they hate you, it’s because it scares them. They just don’t know how to say that. They actually love you very much and want the very best for you. Destructive choices hurt people. Losing you scares them just as much as it scares you. Remember that. 

Freedom isn’t what the world tells you it is. Booze, boys (and girls… you’ll face that someday too) and bars are going to seem like a lot of fun. They might be for a moment, but it doesn’t last. And getting drunk and sleeping around will leave you emptier than you can imagine. And the older you get, the less cute it is. “Hot mess” is not a good look.

Protect your heart. This doesn’t mean never being in a relationship or never letting people get close to you. Just be careful with who you give your heart to. Watch how they live their lives and listen to how they speak to and about people. It will be an indicator of how they will treat you when the guards come down. Maya Angelou said it best… “When somebody shows you who they are, believe them.” 

Find things that you love to do and don’t ever push them aside for someone else. If someone asks you to give up your passions for them, DONT. 

Lastly, but certainly not least. In fact it’s the most important thing. God is good… ALWAYS. He is faithful. ALWAYS. He will save your life, quite literally. So listen to Him. Spend time with Him. Tell him when you’re mad at him, because he already knows. But whatever you do, don’t turn your back on Him. He is the only one, who won’t fail you. Who won’t disappoint you. And he is the only one who will get you through those moments when life hits you so hard that you can’t breathe. 

Nothing worth having comes easily. You are going to have to fight for the good things in your life. But your life is worth fighting for. 

Because someday around 30, you’ll wake up one day a little older, a little wiser, a little chubbier and a whole lot happier than you’ve ever been and you’ll realize that God has given you an AMAZING life. 

So ask for help when you need it. Tell someone when you’re hurting. Pray ALWAYS. And remember that this life is precious. That your life is precious. Everyday that you’re alive is a gift. So take a breath, sit back and enjoy the crazy ride. It won’t look anything like you’re imagining now, but if you stick it out, it will be better than you can even believe. 

Dear Idols

~ The Fragrance of my Mother ~ 4 Comments

It’s been 2 years since I began my path of recovery. Incredibly difficult. Immensely rewarding. Mistakes have been made… Many mistakes. Questions have been asked. Words have been said… and unfortunately at times, screamed.  Flaws have been seen. Tears have been shed. Anger surfaced. Doubts, insecurities and lies exposed. But in all of the mess and ugliness of countless meltdowns, temper tantrums and a significant crisis of my faith and identity, there has been far more beauty than ashes. 

Laughs have been shared… Many laughs. Passions have been discovered. Lessons have been learned. Friendships have been formed. Changes have been made. Healing has begun. Fears have been conquered. Confidence has been built. Joy has been found. What would have been a tragic story of addiction, loneliness and depression ending in suicide was rewritten to one of hope, restoration and abundant life.

A life saved and forever changed. My life. 

In honor of these 2 years, I wanted to share the moment that changed everything for me.

I was reading through the tear soaked, barely legible pages of an old journal when I found it. The letter. I remember the moment vividly. My 29 year old self, sitting in a bunk bed in the tiny room I shared with 4 other grown women trying to piece their lives together just like I was. Earplugs in (because the aforementioned roommates were theorizing about who was stealing everyone’s coffee creamer and arguing about “how early is too early to set an alarm in the morning?”… Community living.) 

I cracked open my journal, as I did most nights, and I began to write a semi-satirical letter to “all the drinks that did me wrong” hoping that there would be some sort of cathartic release or at the very least, maybe a laugh. As I began to write,  a bible verse from Isaiah 44 came to mind that had been given to me months prior. The verse didn’t make much sense to me at the time I received it, so I didn’t really think about it again until that night when it crossed my mind.

 As I started that ridiculous letter, I couldn’t get that verse off of my mind. I stopped writing and was just still for quite some time. Thinking. As I did, I began to realize it wasn’t just the alcohol that I was addicted to. It was so much more than that. It was approval. Validation. Acceptance. Vanity. Money. Sex. Men. Women. The idea of success. And so much more. I lived for myself and no one else. I constantly and compulsively lied and manipulated to get what I wanted and I didn’t care who it hurt or affected. I was a borderline narcissist who was incapable of seeing outside of herself or taking ownership for any of her actions. 

I began writing again, but this time it was an entirely different letter. My hand was cramping from trying to keep up with how fast my thoughts were firing and tears were running down my face and soaking the pages of my journal from the overwhelming emotion of it all.  Finally I had come to terms with everything that had happened over the past 10 years. The person I had become. All of the trauma, grief, disappointment, failures, mistakes, doubts and horrible decisions that I had made and as a result, the consequences that I faced because of them.

I was 20 months into a 12 month treatment program (yes, you did read that correctly…) and I had had enough. Enough of myself. Enough of the constant voices that told me I wasn’t good enough. That I was never going to be able to change. Enough of the alcohol. Enough of the relapses. Enough of the shallow and sinful relationships. Enough of the lying. Enough of the selfishness. Enough of making stupid decisions. Enough of feeling like a failure. Enough of fighting and rebelling against the One who saved my life. Enough of all of the BS I had put up with and put myself through for my entire adult life.

What started off as a humorous coping mechanism quickly turned into the most important decision I’ve ever made, and it was anything but funny. Since that night, I’ve never looked back. Recovery is so much more than sobriety. It’s finding the courage and humility every single day to say yes to God and no to myself, no matter what the cost. (Which is so much easier said than done.)  

Today, I’m sober, healthy (mentally, spiritually and physically), full time interning in ministry, living in a city I love surrounded by people I love. My life is incredibly imperfect yet I am incredibly happy. I never could have imagined that my life would look the way it does now and I couldn’t be more grateful for that because I honestly don’t think I would have done it had I known what all this was going to entail. 

This letter was not just about alcohol and addiction but to everything that I put before God in my life and it is a declaration of who I am now and more importantly, who I belong to. This is where it all changed for me…. 

“The poor, deluded fool feeds on ashes. He trusts something that can’t help him at all. Yet he cannot bring himself to ask, ‘Is this idol I hold in my hand a lie?’”  Isaiah 44:20 

Dear Idols, 

I don’t know how to say goodbye to you. Most of you have walked alongside me for years now. My most consistent companions. I’ve cherished you, served you, listened to you and indulged you in every fantasy. I’ve played your games and worshiped you. I gave you a sacred place in my heart that truthfully, you neither earned nor deserved. I allowed you for far too long to lie to me and make promises to my heart that you could never fulfill. You promised comfort and gave me chaos. You promised love and broke my heart. You promised confidence and you made a fool of me. You promised satisfaction and I was always left empty. I want you to know that I see you now for what you are. A lie. A fantasy. A romanticized illusion of fulfillment – overpromising and under delivering every time. I exalted you to a position in my life that you were never worthy of holding. I thought that you were good, but I know now that you were nothing more than comfort. I thought what we had was intimacy, but I now know that it was just familiar. You were convenient. Easy. Shallow. I want you to know that you can no longer have this place or any place in my heart again. That place is meant for the only one who can rightfully rule my life. He doesn’t bring chaos or confusion. He doesn’t put me down or tell me lies. He doesn’t deceive, manipulate or control me. I’m not a slave to Him, but his lover and his friend. Although I believed that there was room in my life for Him and all of you, I was gravely mistaken.  So as of this moment, our relationship is over. The longing for you and the idealized perspective and rose colored lenses are shattered. I see you for exactly what you really are. And now, I see Him for exactly who He really is. The position of Lord belongs to Him and I am going to let him do the honors of dethroning each and every one of you Himself. So this is in no way an amicable and mutually respectful parting or goodbye. This is me declaring war back on you for all of the hell, confusion and destruction you’ve caused me. I want you to know that I DO NOT AND WILL NOT choose you. Your reign of death and terror in my life is over and you now are subject to the anger and vengeance of the One who conquered you once and for all, long ago on that third day; when he rose up and walked out of the grave he left and buried you in. I am done with you, in every way and you CANNOT have my attention, my affection or my imagination any more. We are done. For good. I am choosing life. I am choosing to walk on the side of truth and fight for all of those who are deceived and broken just like I was. I will not aid you in fanning the flames of lust, addiction, greed and impurity, but I will snatch those deceived and broken ones from the flames and show them The Way to life. I want to make myself explicitly clear. I no longer answer to my flesh. I only answer to the spirit of the living God and I will no longer be engaging your advances in any way. This is the end for us and I am never looking back. This abusive relationship is now over. I will no longer be answering when you call, responding to your invitations or entertaining any sort of engagement with you any longer. You no longer have a place in my life – you’ve taken far too much for far too long and honestly, you can keep it all because The One I belong to now is a giver of life and all things new. You will never be anything more than a cheap knock-off, fraudulently parading around as freedom and love, and you can no longer have any part of me or my life. This is it for us. Just know that from now on, if you try to reach me, you’ll have to go through my Father, my Husband and the Spirit of the Living God Himself. 

-E

Today.

~ The Fragrance of my Mother ~ 5 Comments

Today I’m starting a journey. 

A journey of transformation.

A journey of renewing my mind. Every day. Making every effort. Because you say I’m already equipped. 

A journey of awareness. Self Awareness. Awareness of your presence. 

My mind is powerful and I have lived under the weight and burden of negative thinking for far too long.

But it’s you who created my mind.

You are higher You are greater.

You say I have the mind of Christ. A partaker in the divine nature.

So today, I’m choosing a new path. A new way. I’m choosing you. 

I’m choosing to live presently. To dream. To have vision. To laugh. To cry.

To live free from the distractions and the noise that I get so easily entangled in.

Today I give myself permission to be and I give you permission to do.

Today I choose to reject fear and I choose to accept grace. 

Today I will make every effort to respond to your promises. 

Today I will patiently endure. 

Today I will trust. 

Today I choose purity. 

Today I will seek knowledge. 

Today I will  love. 

Today I choose self-control. 

Today I choose godliness. 

Today, my heart is postured toward courage. My mind is set on you. My purpose is your will alone. 

I will walk this new road with humility, in your ways, not my own. 

I am set and determined to open my eyes and see the beauty of your creation every day. I don’t want to miss a thing. 

I long to have a heart that hears you. To encounter you in all things. 

To live this life with you. To live believing that there is nothing that can separate me from your love. 

Today I relinquish all control.

I will wait with patience. I will listen with intention.  I will obey when you speak. 

You go before me and I will follow. 

I choose the road marked Holy Ground. You’ve paved the way and you will direct my every step. 

I will trust you today, not worrying about tomorrow. 

 I am not guaranteed even the next breath, so I will not waste it. I will no longer take this life for granted. 

I will not waste my life. 

I will live everyday believing that today is going to be the best day of my life. 

I wait expectantly for what you will do in this process. 

Thank you for today. 

Three Years…

~ The Fragrance of my Mother ~ Leave a comment

FullSizeRender.jpgThree years. It seems like forever, yet at the same time, it seems like just yesterday.

It’s been three years since I’ve heard your voice. Three years since I’ve heard your infectious laughter. Three years since I’ve called you at three in the morning and you let me come over and watch movies and you stayed up with me, just so I didn’t feel alone.

Three years breaks my heart. Three years makes me really appreciate the 23 years I got with you, however it seems so cut short. Three years feels like way too long to go without my Momma’s advice.

However, you left me with the legacy of your life. You reminded me that it’s one step at a time. You reminded me that God holds a light to our present steps and motions. You taught me that it’s okay to not know how the future is going to go, and it’s okay trust Jesus step by step.

More than anything, my Mom taught me that fear is only an emotion…. If we allow it to be. She taught me that all of us get scared, especially about the unknown, but her faith and her unwavering dedication to trusting God with such uncertainty showed me that even though life may not turn out how you want, God is ALWAYS good. He is ALWAYS sovereign. He is ALWAYS faithful.

My life looks nothing like I thought it would at 26 (or regardless of age, wherever I’m at). I’ve learned that heartache doesn’t dissipate. I’ve learned that there will always be reminders of heartache.

Forgiveness doesn’t wipe out the existence or the memory or hurt, it simply allows us to graciously accept our current circumstances. Healing is taking brokenness in stride. It’s understanding that the process of being mended is a delicate balance of joy and suffering.

In order to truly appreciate the journey of healing, you have to know where you started and came from. To see where God brought you to, or out of.  Learning to walk with faith doesn’t always mean walking without grief. But there is a sacred beauty in the joy that comes from that refinement. The scars we bear are beautiful because they reflect the scars of a man who took on what we couldn’t. Jesus. 

Ecclesiastes says that “Everything is made beautiful in it’s time.” There is a time for everything. When we hold onto pain, anger and hurt we miss SO much that is happening to us. When we graciously accept all of this as a tool of refinement, we are able to see past the emotion of heartbreak and see how God is using it to shape us.

In all the “times” that God speaks about love and hate, I’m reminded that when we hate, God is love. In our time of tearing, God is mending. In our time of quiet, God speaks louder than ever. In our time of grieving, God teaches us to dance.

This isn’t a post about having all or really any of the answers, it’s a post about being reminded of that fact that Jesus is sovereign over everything.  My Mom’s legacy reminds me to take every day as if you’re being lead by a lantern.

Every step is lit only one by one. I may not be able to see every step in my future or know where it leads, but I rest in that fact that it’s covered by Jesus. I may have my moments of questioning and doubting, but I am so  reassured of the grace of God. I feel freedom to ask what he wants to show me. I feel freedom to ask where he wants me to go and what He wants to do with my life.

All this to say, I feel like my Mom played such a huge role in me trusting Jesus. Her future was SO uncertain. Her life was ended much sooner than she (or any of us) had planned, but Jesus had planned something different and she rested so peacefully in that. She is my legacy. She is my reminder that Jesus is ALWAYS good. And most importantly, she is my reminder that what I do with my life is not of myself, but of Him.

The Unraveling

~ The Fragrance of my Mother ~ Leave a comment

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Todays thoughts: Being alone takes courage.

Whether by choice or not, both bring a different element of discipline. Being alone by our own design is courageous because it means actively quieting all the voices of desire that fuel expectation; both of our own or of everything and everyone around us. Making the deliberate choice to take pause and time for ourselves and our own lives, often isn’t the easy decision.

Being alone when it’s not our own choice is courageous because it means choosing patience to bravely stand alone over things that we can’t always control. Whether it’s something that has been stripped away or simply hasn’t presented itself yet and despite the longings in our hearts, it takes courage to wait faithfully. To trust that there still is hope, even though our futures may not look anything like we’ve imagined them to.

I find myself somewhere in the middle of these two positions. Sitting on the edge of complete uncertainty, yet intentionally making the decision to stay exactly where God has me. I’d being lying if I said it was my choice to be where I’m at in my life currently, but I can say, that it is my choice to accept it honestly and faithfully, and find grace in wherever that is. Grace towards everyone around me. Grace toward God and his radically different plans than my own. Grace to accept that my mom “should” still be here with me. Grace over the anger and emotion of my very flawed, human heart. Grace towards myself.

I fall prey to the feeling of unworthiness more than I’d like to admit. I believe the lies. I believe the thoughts of not being good enough. I believe that, even just at 26, I’ve made too many mistakes. I’ve messed up too many things and I’m truly not enough and seemingly, never will be.

Although through the eyes of humanity, those things at times may be true, but I have been so struck by the truth that God’s grace is enough. It’s such a simple truth, yet it’s filled with complexities that go so far beyond my human understanding. My grace fails all the time. Sometimes, I don’t always have the capability of displaying true grace. Grace to forgive. Grace to understand. Grace to be compassionate. Grace to be patient. Grace to be kind.

To stand alone in these realizations can be really hard. In my human mind, it often times comes across as I’m not enough. The really beautiful thing about that is that it’s true. The only thing that makes that not completely contradictory, is that we can admit that we’re not enough, and in that grace, we can stop apologizing for who we are and where we are, and accept exactly where we’re at but without shame. We can admit the things we’ve messed up and done wrong, but we don’t have to live in the fear of being completely unworthy.  

I’ve spent several days and nights quietly by myself recently and in those times, I’ve had a lot of time to really appreciate that time alone. I don’t mean that I’ve always been blissfully happy in the peace of my own home, because truthfully, many of those moments have come with tears, with heartache and trying to just figure out how to exist by myself for the foreseeable future. But in the midst of all of that, it’s come with understanding.

Suddenly, letting go of “who I should be”  or “where I should be” doesn’t seem so scary. I may still be scared of a future unknown, but I’m starting to have the courage to lean into that fear and face it without the shame of being unworthy. Instead of putting on a brave face, learning to live authentically, exactly as I am.

I’ve had the feeling my life was “falling apart” a lot recently. The more I’ve prayed and the more I’ve asked for God’s grace over the understanding of my life I’ve started to see it more as a beautiful unraveling. Although my life may be “coming apart” it doesn’t mean it’s not intentional. I believe that sometimes God pulls on the strings of our lives. Not as puppets, but as creations. Sometimes you have to pull something apart to put it back together, only better.

I was angry for a long time about this. I felt like God pulled the strings of my life more like I was a marionette doll. I felt like all these things were happening in my life and I was just supposed to “move how God tells us to move.” It made no sense to me because how I felt didn’t match how I was supposed to act.

It took awhile, but I eventually saw that God wasn’t pulling the strings of my will, He was pulling the strings of my circumstance and my heart. He could see what was loose and snagging, where I couldn’t.  He wasn’t trying to control me, He was trying to secure me. Where I was unraveling, He wanted to put me back together, the right way. Sometimes in order to do that, it requires being isolated.You would never catch a single snag in a sea full of threads.

God had to get me alone to really hear His voice. My heart has been so tired and I’ve felt so isolated, but I’ve found more courage in those solitary moments than I have ever before, so I’m thankful.

It by NO stretch, means that it’s been an entirely enjoyable experience, but I am still finding joy in present moments. I’m still finding strength that I didn’t know I had. In everything I’ve felt like I lost and in all of the angry moments of feeling alone, God has never been absent. He has never not been visible in the fabric of my life. It’s just a matter of if I choose to see past my present emotion and trust that my future will make more sense.

When the comforts around you disappear, even ones that you’ve maybe even depended on for years, and you stand alone, your heart learns to take courage. Courage to let your past be your past. Courage to be vulnerable. Courage to lean into the hurts of your heart all the while, leaning into a God that is bigger than all of those hurts combined. Courage to willfully still choose joy.

Despite being afraid, I’ve found that God grants us the courage to be brave in imperfection. We can live a life completely unraveled, and still be a perfect a mess of threads. A mess of human emotion. The beauty is that when we see a mess, or even a disaster, Jesus sees a lifetime of untangling.

To live and to love so fiercely, with such a raw vulnerability, with so little guarantee of the life that we’ve always pictured, is the ultimate picture of Jesus to me.

“To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody but yourself – means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight- and never stop fighting.” – E.E. Cummings

Slow Down, Little Girl.

~ The Fragrance of my Mother ~ 1 Comment

“Little girl, little girl, don’t grow up too fast. Before you know it, you’ll be wishing you could just go back. Don’t you know there’ll be plenty of time for that somewhere down the road? Yeah, it’s all gonna fly in the blink of an eye. You can’t slow down this thing called life. So take your time and let it last, Little girl don’t grow up too fast.”

Blog 3.1.18

I feel like everyone has, at one point or another, had that one teacher in school that just wanted to make it a point to really hammer home the lesson of “taking your time and following the directions.” I mean, I know that’s a pretty basic discipline that I’m sure most teachers try their best to convey to their students, but I feel like there’s always that one, that takes it a step further to really make a point.

It was just a normal day in the seventh grade. I went to my history class like I did every day; completely unprepared and hoping that I could just skim the chapter that I was supposed to read the night before and bull***t my way through the rest class on the general gist of whatever I had read in the 10 minutes previous to when my class actually started. Not really a recipe for success, but my Jr. High self seemed to think it was a good idea at the time.

Suffice it to say that no one ever accused me of taking school too seriously. I got to my class, chatted with my friends before the bell rang and proceeded to take my assigned seat in the very front and center of the classroom, which I can only assume was a pretty intentional move on my teachers part. I was never a huge fan of history at the time, so this class didn’t really appeal to me in anyway.

Class started, I opened my book and almost immediately was off in my own head, failing to listen to anything my teacher was talking about. He wasn’t one to ever give a quiz or a test without warning, so when I when I saw him set a stapled packet of paper face down in front on me, I immediately panicked. To be honest, it wasn’t unusual for me to be unprepared for a test that I knew full well was happening. You’d think that panicked feeling that I got, (without fail, every single time) would have taught me to maybe just take the time to study the night before, but it never did.

As he continued to pass the tests out to the rest my class, STILL, instead of listening, I went straight from thinking about what I can only imagine was something to do with the particularly cute boy that sat directly behind me, to focusing on the fear of having to answer questions that I was certain I didn’t have any of the answers too. I finally tuned in just in time to hear my teacher emphasizing to “read the directions carefully.”

In true Emilee fashion, I did…not. I quickly flipped over my test, and proceeded to skip directly over the instructions and started in. The deeper I got into this test, I realized that something wasn’t adding up. Some of the questions were worded in a way that was far beyond the comprehension of a seventh grader, and some of them had nothing to do with history at all, and still, I was so focused on how to just get by, that I didn’t take a second to just stop and look up.

I kept my head down to at least appear like I knew what I was doing, even though that couldn’t have been further from the truth. I got more and more anxious thinking about having to have yet another, “So what happened?” conversion with my parents after receiving back what I could almost guarantee would be a failing grade based on the fact that I had only legitimately answered one question. TOTAL.

After a while, I started to hear a collective group of snickers coming from different parts of the classroom, and when I finally looked up to see what was going on, everyone except for me and a handful of people, were just sitting with their arms crossed.

Long story longer, unbeknownst to me (and also the particularly cute boy sitting directly behind me), the directions clearly stated that the test was just a joke and to simply put your pencil down and wait quietly. Seventh graders can only sit quietly for a short period of time, hence the snickering taking place around the room. Although it was a humorous (and slightly embarrassing) lesson, it was something that I never forgot. Little did I know how applicable it would still be almost 15 years later.

I’m not, and have never been someone who likes to live my day to day life at a rushed pace. I like to take my time, savor and enjoy moments and kind of just float from place to place. I am this way in almost every area of my life except in the area where I probably should be most. Whether it was wanting to be older than I was, taller than I was,  impulsively taking on things way before I was ready, I was always looking 10 steps ahead of where I actually was, because I had this notion that everything was better down the road.

As a little girl, I was always playing dress up with my moms clothes because I wanted to be just like her. I used to fight her constantly on wearing the clothes she would pick out for me. The practical, comfortable clothes that allowed me to run and play. I wanted to pick out my own clothes. I wanted to decide for myself what I was going to wear, and if I had it my way, it would have been a princess dress, high heels and my pink lipstick from my favorite starter makeup kit that my grandpa got me, every day.

Don’t get me wrong, she let me do it sometimes, but only when it was it was the right time for it. Playing at home or going to a tea party at a friends house, sure, but going to the grocery store, probably not. She knew that about 5 minutes in, I would be complaining that my dress was too itchy, that my crown wouldn’t stay on my head and my little plastic dress up heels would be too hard to walk in.

She knew that ahead of me, lied years of enduring pain due to walking around in heels all day. She knew that there would be plenty of hours way down the road, of complaining about dresses that are too uncomfortable. (5 year old me thought the biggest problem a girl could face with a dress was that it was too itchy or that it wasn’t sparkly enough. It would be years before I would come to understand the struggle of trying to breathe in a dress.)

I would get so angry with my mom when she would tell me no. I was too young and didn’t have the perspective to even remotely understand that she was right. This carried on through every stage of growing up. Whether it was wanting to wear makeup way before I was old enough, go on a roller coaster before I was tall enough, stay at home by myself before I was responsible enough, I was always in such a hurry to be anywhere other than I was. I wanted to rush through everything just so I could get back to doing whatever it was that I wanted to be doing.

Instead of studying, I would rush through my homework. Because I wasn’t putting in the work in the first place, I wasn’t actually retaining anything, so I would fail tests and I would end up having to work with my teachers over recess instead of being able to play with my friends. It took me a long time to realize I was making things so much harder on myself by not just slowing down, listening to direction and taking the time to do it the right way in the first place.  

Today, those are just distant memories. It seems like such a long time ago. What’s funny is that now, at 25, I may be older, but I still look in the mirror and see glimpses of that little girl in the princess dress. I see her in decisions I make now. Decisions that have led me to the very moment of writing this. This has been one of the more interesting phases of my life. I have friends that are the exact same age as me, that are married and starting families. I also have friends that are the exact same age as me, that are still struggling to figure it out. I find myself somewhere in the middle.

I wanted to grow up so quickly, so badly, that I rushed the process. I thought I cheated the system. I thought that I could sidestep some of the incredibly essential life lessons and I am finding more and more just how wrong I was. Just as much as that 5 year old who wanted to live in a princess dress was no match for my mom, this 25 year old who wants to live her own life is certainly no match for my God.

The thing about serving a God that is so wildly boundless, is that we have to acknowledge that without Him, we can’t be. There is truly no freedom in living life with no direction(s). We will never be anything even remotely close to what we can be, when we summit to the will of God.

Although I understand this and truly believe this with all of my heart, adhering to this is something I really struggle with. Waiting on God and trusting His timing is incredibly difficult for me, especially when I’m surrounded by people who have so many of the things that I want for myself. It’s easy to think that we can just go out and get whatever sounds good in that moment, and in a lot of ways, in our day in age, that’s true.

However what happens when what we’re seeking isn’t necessarily what’s good for us? When we take something that maybe wasn’t ours to have in the first place? When we think we’ve found the things that will finally bring satisfaction to the missing pieces of our hearts but really we’ve just created a life filled with things and people, and it’s still not enough. I use this example because as I was dealing with hurt and grief, I literally did this.

My heart was breaking and I began to fill my heart and my home with everything I could find. Before I knew it, I was surrounded with a life that had everything I could have ever wanted or needed and I still felt like something was missing. I started to feel like I was living an unfamiliar home; I knew it was mine but I didn’t recognize anything in it.

God never fails to get my attention. Lately, it’s been reminding me that that little girl is still in my heart. The difference between her and the girl standing here 20 years later, is that even though that little girl didn’t like being told no, she obeyed. She obeyed for no other reason than she didn’t know not being obedient was even an option. She trusted her mom because even though she made her mad, she couldn’t help but feel the undeniable love she had for her. She didn’t know how to hold onto anger so she was able to listen to what she was being told. She wasn’t always able to understand, but she listened.

It’s not often that you hear someone say that they aspire to be the child version of themselves, but in a lot ways I do. I was able to obey without fear. I was able to listen with an open heart. I hadn’t known what it was to truly worry, because my parents always kept me safe. Being an adult is really, freaking hard sometimes.

In all the moments I’ve prayed that God would change certain aspects of my life, and I’ve gotten angry and impatient when things remained the same or when I’ve prayed that God would just leave my life alone and He’s completely turned my world upside down, there’s always been a reason. Love. A completely reckless, completely unabashed and completely condition free love.

I was feeling pretty lost the other day and I asked God to simply remind me who I am. As I sat in the silence, there were no words, but He simply brought the picture of that little girl playing dress up to my mind. I saw the little girl who didn’t need validation from anyone to believe she was the most beautiful girl in the world. I saw the little girl who experienced such a pure joy to be exactly where she was. I saw the little girl that wasn’t afraid of what anyone thought because she didn’t understand judgement herself. I saw the little girl whose only expectation in life was to just be herself.

 I truly believe God calls us to have the faith of a child for a reason. It’s crazy how we become so disconnected from those pure, innocent little people we once were.

My prayer for this season is that God would remind not only me, but all the women struggling with finding their purpose and fulfillment that there is hope. There is always hope. I have felt like there has been a huge attack on the hearts of women lately. I know I personally have been struggling through a lot and I know I have felt alone for a lot of that.

That’s what Satan wants. He wants isolation and he want us to believe that we will never be enough despite our best efforts. He wants us to believe that we need to strive in order to be valued or deemed worthy. For my life personally, I have had enough. I am done feeling like I’m not good enough, like my life will never amount to anything, like my sins and my struggles define who I am.

I believe, with all of my heart, that God is going to raise up a generation of fiercely faithful and fiercely bold women. Women who like myself, have made countless mistakes, fallen short countless times, felt like we weren’t beautiful enough, smart enough, good enough, capable enough, worthy enough. I refuse to continue living under that lie and I just want all you ladies who are struggling with those very same things to know, I am praying.

I am praying that God brings freedom from the constant expectations. Freedom from the lies that some of us have believed for years. Freedom from the chains that sometimes we’ve built ourselves and therefore think we’re not deserving of being set free from. I am praying that God would remind each of us, everyday, who we are. That we wouldn’t be afraid to be women of God and children of faith all at the same time.

Thank you to all the women who have come along side me recently and encouraged me when I desperately needed it. My heart is that even if it’s for just one person, that I would be able to offer the same encouragement and grace to someone that was extended to me . You are not alone in this and God is still good!! ❤

 

Through Waters Uncharted.

~ The Fragrance of my Mother ~ 1 Comment

through waters uncharted“Through waters uncharted my soul will embark, I’ll follow your voice straight into the dark. And if from the course You intend I depart, speak to the sails of my wandering heart.”

For the past few years, my Dad has been talking about chartering a boat, and taking our family on a “week long sailing excursion.” It’s important to note that neither my dad, nor any other member of my family has even a hint of sailing or boating experience, so naturally, the thought of this is absolutely terrifying to me. The thought of putting everyone I care about and love most into a boat, one in which none of us have any experience in doing and just hoping we somehow make it “somewhere” safely, seems like a really terrible idea. It raises so many practical questions that I think anyone would inevitably ask themselves… “Where are we going?” “What do we do and how do we do it?” “Will we make it somewhere or will we just float out to sea and get lost forever?” Shortly after these thoughts, and many more like them, go racing through my head, I immediately start envisioning myself in a Tom Hanks in Castaway type situation. All this to say that as much as I would love to have the same confidence my dad does for something he knows virtually nothing about, and have the faith to believe everything is going to be okay, I don’t. In fact, I am quite the opposite. I would love to have that fearlessness, but I tend to operate more within the confines of crippling fear most days.

I know this seems like more of a humorous anecdote than an actually meaningful thought, but all humor aside, that fear stops me from far more than a family sailing trip. That fear dictates much of what I do. It’s the same fear that was the reason I haven’t written in probably over a year. Reading back over everything from the past few years is bittersweet. I read those words and I am immediately taken back to that time and on one hand, I can see how much growth took place in the midst of everything that was changing in my life. I see Jesus in those pages and through those words. On the other hand, I can’t help but feeling a wave of sadness. The path I was on, the path of growing up and maturing; it doesn’t seem so clear anymore. Over the past 2 years, there’s been a lot of ups and downs. Fear seems to be the overwhelming theme as of lately, and it’s left a wake of destruction and isolation in it’s path. As terrible as this may sound, I used to find a bit of humor in the scene of Castway where Tom Hanks is trying to make his escape from the island and as he falls asleep, Wilson drifts off… not because I lack compassion, but because he’s yelling at a literal volleyball with a face on it. I watched that movie again last night, only this time it wasn’t so funny. I found myself relating to that very moment and my heart truly ached; the isolation, the desperate cry to hold onto the one thing that gave him reason to keep going and watching it slowly slip away, powerless to stop it, and the moment of complete and utter defeat before he was rescued.

I’ve had quite a few people reach out lately, asking me how I’m doing. To most all of you, I’ve said something along the lines of “I’m so great. Life is good.” I felt led to write this, not because I need sympathy from anyone, but because putting this out in the light, takes away its power. Being honest allows accountability and the more I’m willing to be open, I know the more freedom God will allow me to experience. I have a habit of trying to hide my weaknesses and play it off like everything is great. Without fail, God exposes my heart for where it truly is every time. Honestly, it sucks in the moment and it’s really hard to face your biggest insecurities and shortcomings head on, but I believe that’s the only way to find healing.

To all of you who have asked, the answer I should have given you is, life is hard right now. I have found that being in your twenties is one of the most tumultuous times, and I’m only halfway through them. For me, the biggest cause of this has been alcohol. I know this is something that people of all ages deal with, but there’s something about being in your twenties, that you feel almost an entitlement to drink as much as you want, and not have to answer for any of it, because you’re in you twenties, and it’s “just what everyone does.”  You hear things like this a lot, or at least I did, which could be due, in part, to the people I was surrounding myself with. What I failed to realize, is that its not actually what everyone does, and it does affect the people around you, especially when it gets out of hand like it did for me. I will be completely honest, I’m not writing this from a place of having learned my lesson or gotten past it, I’m writing this from step -5. I am in the heart of the monster that, for me, is alcohol.

The allure of drinking started when I was 21. I was in an incredibly vulnerable place in my life, and alcohol made me something I thought I couldn’t be on my own. It allowed me to be this confident, outspoken, beautiful, charming woman, when what I really felt like, was this shy, inadequate, purposeless, scared little girl. It started off great, or so I thought. It allowed me to live without consequence. When things were good, they were great, and if I drank too much, which happened way more than I ever cared to admit, I could get by with the excuse, “Oh well, I was drunk.” Far too many times did I use that as a reason to not be held accountable to things I said or did, and it became a lifestyle.

I read a book in which the author compared struggling with alcohol to an abusive relationship. Now when I first read that, it sounded like a bit of a stretch. To me, it’s apples and oranges, 2 completely different situations. But the more I read, the more I understood. I’m paraphrasing here, but she pointed out how at first it charms you, it draws you in and makes you feel warm and accepted. It gives you confidence and seems to squash any and all insecurities that you have. But the more you give into it’s power and allure, slowly it starts to break you down. Some people see the red flags right away, and are able to correct it and walk away. But for others, myself included, the more you try and walk away, the more appealing it becomes, and soon there after, it seems like it controls everything you do. You become isolated and dishonest, and before you know it, you don’t even recognize who you are anymore, yet somehow, you still feel like you can’t walk away; you need it.

Growing up, when I thought about who I would be at this point in my life, I never in a million years would have guessed that I would be battling with alcohol and consequently watching the relationships around me crumble, watching people that I love or have loved in the past consistently be hurt, friendships be torn apart, jobs be lost, attempts at school fall through, all because I let alcohol hold more value than the people I care about and the plans God has for me. It wasn’t until just recently that I finally hit a breaking point with all of this, and everything fell apart. God finally exposed the one thing I’ve been trying so desperately to hide and he brought it forth with the brightest light possible.

Having to finally be honest with my family, my best friends, and hardest of all, the love of my life, was the hardest moment of my life so far. Having to come clean about all the times I’ve lied about drinking, tried to cover it up, tried to diminish just how badly I was struggling with this for years now, and watching the hearts of everyone I shared this with break for me, broke my heart in a way that I didn’t know was possible. I finally came face to face with the hurt that’s been caused by this and finally saw just how deeply this affected everyone around me, and it was almost too much for me to handle.

For some of you that have known me, I’m sure this is coming as no shock to you. Some of you have even called me out on it, and I want you to know that even though I chose to ignore your words at the time, they weren’t lost on me. To others of you, this may be completely surprising. To share something so personal and something so private is nauseating beyond belief. I wish I could just snap my fingers and make it all go away. I wish with everything I have that I could take back every terrible drunken word or moment that’s caused hurt not only to myself, but to the people I care most about. In all my regret and all my fear of losing just about everything, I am reminded that God is still good. That no matter how far I’ve veered from the path He laid out for me, I was never, and am never out of his sight. I have a nasty habit of making things much harder for myself than they have to be, but I can’t help but feel like God knew exactly what He was allowing me to walk into the whole time. He had to allow me to lose myself so I could rediscover myself in Him. I’m not there yet, and I desperately wish I could say I was. What I do know is, and I firmly believe, is that even in my greatest weakness, God is made greater. That in my most sinful and shameful moments, He is still magnified.

For those of you who took the time to read all of this, I want to thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I truly believe God is going to bring good from all of this, some days more than others. I feel like I’m starting from square one again, which is sort of beautiful, because that’s where this all began. It began with me walking straight into the darkness of the unknown and doing my best to rely on His voice to carry me through. I’ve seen Him do it before and I wholeheartedly believe He will do it again. I believe that God desires so much more for us than to live in the shadows, to hide in the darkness in fear of judgement or shame. Thank you to everyone, past and present, who has come beside me and helped me start to move forward. I have no words to express how grateful I am for every one of you.

“Even when my strength is lost, I’ll praise you. Even when I have no song, I’ll praise you.
Even when it’s hard to find the words, louder then I’ll sing your praise. I will only sing your praise.”